My jokes

A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find God, he'll help you!"

Then the man said, "There’s only one way to get to God, and that is through Jesus. Have you, my friend, found him?"

My uncle is an alchemist.

He can turn 3 bottles of beer into 4 hours of abuse.

My grandma unplugged the internet cable, so I unplugged her life support.

Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

Man #1: Pretend your age is a level, I am Level 20.

Man #2: My son died at level 4.

Man #1: Lol, your son is a noob.

Today was a bittersweet day...

Bad news is my friend was assaulted. Good news is I successfully sneak attacked someone!

My Dad said he got me from the shops, and I remembered what Grandpa said about him.

My mom and I went to a bank. Hard to say I never heard of it. The name is "Addison Banks."

LOL

Hey Jorden Calerendiá, your last name sounds like a sea food shop that I get my fish from.

Your roasting is trash just like you. Boy, stop roasting on Addison and Gwen and others; you're probably 5 years old trying to dislike that. That roasting is like from 1920, get a life.

The more I light my lighter, the lighter my lighter gets, until it's too light to light.

Well, at least my adoption fee cost more than you.

I always wanted to go to the store as a kid because I always wanted to look for my dad that went to go get the milk, but I could never find him.

My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love."

I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."

My grief counselor died. He was so good, I didn't even care.

I copied my friend's work. It's not like the teacher can tell my parents.

My grandpa died in 9/11. He crashed a plane.

Why did my dad cross the road?

To get to the nearest building so he wouldn't die in the crippling smoke of the most terrifying and only terrorist attack on American soil.

Everyone else seems to have met my dad. I only have the mugshots.

My dad died in the 9/11 attack. He was a good pilot.

Me: Hey, do you want to meet my grandma?

Friend: Yeah, sure.

Me: *pulls out gun*