My jokes

My fortune cookie said, "Your existing plans will succeed." Not necessarily, since I'm suicidal...

I was working for Space X. I was instructed to control a satellite's orbit rotation when suddenly the screen went black. I investigated and found out one of Penaldos penalty had hit and destroyed the satellite. Shame on you Penaldo for ruining my dream job!

I bought a silencer for my gun, but I don't think it works.

My victims still scream.

"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"

If I don't find a reason to live soon, my ceiling fan isn't the only thing that's gonna be hanging from my ceiling.

Recently I visited a restaurant in Crotone. When I was done eating, I told the waitress I was “Penaldo” with my food. She instantly knew that I was finished with my food.

What do 3-year-old boys say after going to confession?

"My bum hurts!"

The people at 9/11 must have been able to read fast. If I explain it, it won't be funny. This is an old joke my friend told me.

My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.

I’ll be hanging with them for a while.

My dad went to go buy milk, but he walks as slow as my grandmother.

My grandmother is paralyzed in the legs.

If my phone battery lasted as long as my relationship, I would never be able to play on my phone.

What is an orphan's excuse to leave a party?

"I'm gonna make like my parents and run."

You: Find a time clock that can change time.

Your friend the next day: Hey, can I borrow yo' house?

You: No, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME!

Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again.

My sister thinks she's so smart. She said only an onion can make you cry, so I brought the belt out, and she started crying.

My depressed body would look great hanging from a tree...

Tell me a joke.

My life.

I remember my dad's last words: "I met your father."

My short friend called me a scrub, even though he was the one below me.

My sister reminds me of 911: one moan of "OMG" got everyone's attention.

I remember my uncle's last words:

"I don't think we're going shooting today."