My jokes

I told AI to talk dirty to me. It started describing my browser history.

Why does my dad hate me? Really, please tell me, I'm tired of the constant abuse and pain.

"In my opinion, JFK was the best president."

"Why?"

"He was very open-minded!"

My dad and I were fishing one day.

That’s where he met my stepmom.

My new stepfather told me that I'm his new son, so I said okay.

My stepfather said that my and your mom have a few things in common. I said, "Yeah, like what?" My stepfather said, "Well, you came out of your mother's pussy; I eat your mother's pussy. You used to suck on your mother's tits; now I suck on your mother's tits. Your mother used to smack you in the ass when you act up; now I smack your mom in the ass now. Your mother calls me daddy; now I am your new daddy."

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

My ex-wife was smoking pot with Snow White, when the 7 dwarfs saw them they sang...

"Look at those high Ho's! Hiiiiiiii Hoooooo'sssss!!!!"

What’s the difference between my ex and a unicycle?

A unicycle can only take one person at a time.

My friend's dad went to jail. He's just surprised because he can finally find him!

It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.

"Kidnapping is just surprise adoption, congrats! You are now all my children! Just hop into the portal that leads to the Lust Ring in Hell!"

My wife made electric eel for supper. I was shocked!

You’ll need a bib when you’re done eating my ribs.

A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

Patient: Oh, doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.

What's the difference between a gun and my will to live? None, they are both absent.

I love my new phone.

OWWWWWWWWWWW I JUST GOT A CUT ON MY BUTT. Oh wait, that’s always been there.

Oh, sh**! I'm late for my interview! Do you know where the nearest sex offender registry is?

I get so many things stuck in my head, though, unfortunately none of them were a bullet.