My jokes

I went to see my dentist, and she warned me it was going to hurt. Then, she told me she was having an affair with my husband. Good news though...the cleaning didn't hurt.

A dad told his son never to hit girls, so the son replied, "I promise."

When the son got older, he was doing the dirty with "a girl," and the girl says, "Spank me, daddy..." and the son responds, "My dad said never to hit a girl."

Then the "girl" takes off the wig, and it's his dad, and the dad said, "Good job, son!"

Son:...... um

I have a short TRUE story of how I found out my brother was gay and did "it" with his best friend.

When my brother was 12-13 years old, he fucked his best friend and I saw it. I was like 4-5 years old, UNDERSTANDING what "it" stood for at the time. All I heard was "ahh" and "mmm". The only thing that traumatized me the most was when my brother moaned "daddy". I was so traumatized that I told my mother about it, she rolled her eyes and said, "He's probably playing a game with Evan". BULLSHIT... NO YOU DUMBASS. He was playing the game "SEX", more like "GAY SEX".

I even told my father and he said, "I don't understand what you're trying to say". I told him DIRECTLY that I heard my brother say "daddy" to his damn best friend!

I actually got so curious, I opened the door and saw them doing "69". I was blank white after I saw it. I will NEVER forget that he did "it" with his own best friend.. NEVER forget about it.

(just a btw, I still have the image stuck in my head and never forget how YOUNG he was..)

(He ain't no virgin anymore I guess lmfao.)

(MORE STORIES COMING SOON =D)

A note for my History Teacher:

Frick frack apple jack tic tac sick sack Mr. Khan and give him a big fat whack 'cause his teaching's got lack, his system I will hack and through the screen I'll give him a smack. I'll throw him on the clothing rack. On his seat I'll put thumb tacks, I'll break his momma's back... and he'll never come back.

I asked my daddy what sex was. He said, "Wanna cum and try it?"

Me, calls the police*

Me: Hey, I'm gonna commit suicide!

Cop on the phone: Please wait till we get there.

Me: Why, so you can then stop me?

Cop on the phone: No, we just want a murder, not a suicidal report on your paper... and we are all bored!

Me: Ok, my house number is *********************, ok!

Cop on the phone: Awesome! Just a sec. *whispers* Guys, I finally found someone who wants to get killed!

Kids are so ungrateful sometimes. I bought a wheelchair for my son. Did he say thank you? Nope! That mtf just sat in his wheelchair the whole time crying the whole day. 😐

What's 12 inches long, red, and when I force feed it to my wife, she cries?

Her miscarriage.

My dad died in 9/11. He was such a good pilot.

*bowl of dark grapes*

Friend 1: I like my grapes how I like my men.

Friend 2: Black? Good one.

Friend 1: 21 at a time.

What did the lady say to Michael Jackson at the beach?

"Excuse me, you're in my sun (son)."

How many dead slaves does it take to change a lightbulb?

Apparently, more than 6, because my basement is still dark.

My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds," so I stabbed him.

Now we wait...

My elderly relatives like to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"..

They soon stopped though, when I started to do the same to them at funerals.

I was speaking at my grandpa's funeral and I told everybody his last words: "You still holding the ladder?"

My uncle is a computer genius! The police even called him a PDF file!

To master puns, you got to relish them first. That's how I must(ar)d it. Who knows, maybe you will ketchup to my level.

My uncle died in the 9/11 attacks. He was the best pilot I had ever met.

In 2013, it was reported that China has lost around 28,000 rivers; over half of what they thought existed. Some say climate change is the cause, others say it’s their harsh, economic expansion that’s unapologetic to the environment.

My theory is that those 28,000 rivers were sold to underground river-sex trafficking.

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday. I asked her why. She said, "Because you're a pedophile." I replied, "Pedophile! That's a big word for an eight year old."