My jokes

Today was the worst day ever. My ex got ran over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

Dmitri! Where's my vodka?

My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.

She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

Once my sister was a sister, now she's a blister.

I fell in love with my computer because it helps me Excel.

My grief counselor died. He was so good, I didn't even care.

I was in math class, and we were learning geometry. My teacher said, "PENTAGON!" then all of a sudden, PENALDO burst into the room! He thought we were talking about PENS, so he came looking for some because he's a finished pen merchant! Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my education! 🤬

I copied my friend's work. It's not like the teacher can tell my parents.

My grandpa died in 9/11. He crashed a plane.

Me: Hey, do you want to meet my grandma?

Friend: Yeah, sure.

Me: *pulls out gun*

Why did my dad cross the road?

To get to the nearest building so he wouldn't die in the crippling smoke of the most terrifying and only terrorist attack on American soil.

Everyone else seems to have met my dad. I only have the mugshots.

What's the difference between my dad and cancer?

My dad didn't beat the cancer.

What did the woman say to Michael Jackson at the beach?

"Excuse me, sir, you're in my son."

What is the only video game to be ever made in Africa?

Where's My Water?

I walked to the milk store and did not see my dad.

Man #1: Pretend your age is a level, I am Level 20.

Man #2: My son died at level 4.

Man #1: Lol, your son is a noob.

Well, at least my adoption fee cost more than you.

My Dad said he got me from the shops, and I remembered what Grandpa said about him.