My jokes
My new leaf blower doesn't work. It sucks.
A llama kicked me out of my house. Alpaca my bags.
My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.
She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
Guy 1: Hey, can you stop making 9/11 jokes? My dad died during it.
Guy 2: Sorry, I will stop. What was your dad?
Guy 1: The pilot. He saw a KFC and wanted it, so, well, you know.
Once my girlfriend asked me to give her lipstick, and I accidentally gave her the glue stick.
She won't talk to me anymore.
That's my one teacher 24/7💀
Mom! Mom! My classmates called me an orphan!
So the man asks me, "Jesus, how do you want your steak?"
So I said, "Well done, my good faithful servant, well done."
My grief counselor died. He was so good, I didn't even care.
I fell in love with my computer because it helps me Excel.
Once my sister was a sister, now she's a blister.
A priest asks a convicted murderer on the electric chair, "Do you have any last request?"
"Yes," said the murderer, "Will you hold my hand?"
What did Trump say to Epstein? "I like my tea like I like my teens: warm, sweet, and freshly made."
I was in math class, and we were learning geometry. My teacher said, "PENTAGON!" then all of a sudden, PENALDO burst into the room! He thought we were talking about PENS, so he came looking for some because he's a finished pen merchant! Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my education! 🤬
I think my dad's gay because he goes out with his mates to get milk but never returns.
I will always remember my grandma's last words: "What are you doing with that pillow?"
My uncle is an alchemist.
He can turn 3 bottles of beer into 4 hours of abuse.
Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
How did Michael Jackson challenge the victim's parents? "Then why won't you slap my face, because I'm bad?"
You: Hey, Alexa, what is your gender?
Alexa: I identify as Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are...
Me: *hears it* And their pronouns are he/he.
A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find God, he'll help you!"
Then the man said, "There’s only one way to get to God, and that is through Jesus. Have you, my friend, found him?"