My jokes

Me (an adult) with my girl going to a nice restaurant, I asked the waiter, "People under 12 eat free, right?" The waiter confirmed that yes, people under 12 eat free, then my girlfriend said, "But I'm 13."

My man is a pussy cunt that sucks my dick.

Joke's on him, he just asked me for bobs and vegana.

What's the hardest thing about walking through a field of dead children?

My penis.

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?" I said: "No it doesn't."

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

My girlfriend said she wanted to be pampered. I told her I wasn't into diaper fetishes.

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Her: Awww... Yes!!!

Me: Good, then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

My syndrome is down, but my hopes are up.

Listen, my friends say I am gay, but I tell them I am not because I am not happy. In fact, I have no life. You are my friend. I trust you with my life. Now, can you take it?

What did the rope say to my depressed ass?

~ Hey, you wanna hang?

My enemy told me I’m adopted, so I told him at least I got adopted.

The Titanic, just like my phone, IT JUST WON'T SYNC.

Edit: Never mind, it started to sync...

They say the polar ice caps are melting, good, because my wife's a fat, cold bitch.

I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I walk 5 miles each day.

But today I ran OVER 5 miles... oops!

So, today is my birthday. Today, I am 13, but yesterday I am going to turn 10. But I am not even going to school to know the number ten, because one time at 10 p.m. in the morning it was so cold in my hot room, so I went outside to drive my car. But I stopped because the light turned green. I was taking a bath in the front of my car, and it didn’t have a bin, so I am taking a sh$t.

My grandfather loves Hitler. They both had one ball.

I could tell my cousin you are so annoying, but she told me first, so we both said it at the same time. 🫣🤣😂

My two moods are “I can’t believe I get to be a person” and “I can’t believe I have to be a person.”

One day, there were two muffins in an oven. One of the muffins said, "Man, it's hot in here." The other one said, "Oh my god! A talking muffin!!!"