My jokes

My worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.

Mom! Mom! My classmates called me an orphan!

I'm related to diarrhea; it runs in my jeans.

So the man asks me, "Jesus, how do you want your steak?"

So I said, "Well done, my good faithful servant, well done."

"I’m on a hunt for my wife’s murderer, have been for years."

"Oh my God! Your wife’s been murdered?!"

"No no, you misunderstand. I’m still looking for him."

Today was the worst day ever. My ex got ran over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.

Dmitri! Where's my vodka?

What did the woman say to Michael Jackson at the beach?

"Excuse me, sir, you're in my son."

One of my friends named Jill had a drug overdose.

She didn’t have any of that drug after that. For the rest of her life, she acted very high. When she died, it was because of natural causes, not the drug. So this proves that a lethal dose is also a life time supply.

I walked to the milk store and did not see my dad.

I asked my orphan friend to come to my house. He said he was confused because he didn't know what that is.

Why am I so fat? When I was younger my mother said I should be the bigger person.

Someone at my school the other day said that whoever killed Hitler was a hero. Who's going to tell him?

Gwen, if you're reading this, the link I sent is for you and your boyfriend to chat and stuff. No one shall bother you! Pinky pinky!

Btw, do you know how I am cause if do then I am related to Kenya and my name starts with T? Don't worry, just chat with your boyfriend.

I told my deaf mom to be nice to the neighbors. She didn't listen...

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.

I got the joke from my brother.

Mom told me drugs are my enemies.

Jesus said to like your enemies.

Yay, I can like drugs then!

Hey! My name is Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?

The last time I had flying lessons, I hit some building in Manhattan. Then my Uncle got shot in 2008. Darn...