My jokes

Kid: But, Mom, I don't want to go to the movies.

Mom: SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND CLEAN MY ROOM! YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE!

Maybe if the grass on my front lawn had depression, It would cut itself.

I was at a friend's place yesterday, and... There was a mother, father, three sons, and a daughter.

That night the mother and father started fucking each other. I yelled and told them there are innocent children in this house.

An hour later, they started up again. I walked to their room and they were asleep, so I looked in the brothers' room and all three brothers were fucking the sister.

I sighed at this. "Incest aside, you guys make a cute family." I started, "So Anna, when am I gonna have nieces and nephews?" They stopped instantly and went to sleep. "Thank you," I replied before walking back to my room they let me sleep in and I passed out for the rest of the night.

So here's Uranus, where's my anus?

Ninety percent of your beauty can be removed with a Kleenex.

Oh, were you talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.

Hold still, I am trying to imagine you with a personality.

What did I say to my friend, "Job, your new name is Jojo Siva?"

Ok, this is a texting joke. This isn't my joke; I found it on Google.

Mom: SON YOURE G-MOM JUST PASSED AWAY lol

Son: Mom, how is that funny?!?! I hope you're not laughing!

Mom: OH NO I THOUGHT LOL MEANT LAUGHING OUT LOUD

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

My mom said the only way to cure depression is to do what she does. She's dead.

Little Johnny's sister, Suzy, sees her mom in the shower and asks, "What is that between your legs?" Her mom responds, "That is my garage." The next day, Suzy sees her dad in the shower and says, "What is that between your legs?" Her dad answers, "It is a motorcycle that gets parked in mommy's garage." The next day, Suzy came to dinner with blood all over her hands. Her mom asks, "Why is there blood all over your hands, Suzy?" Suzy says, "Well... little Johnny tried to put his motorcycle in my garage, so I ripped its wheels off."

Don't make Iran jokes. My mom died by a rocket launcher. She was the best sharp shooter in the Iranian army.

Hi, I'm Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are hee/hee.

My brother is ugly. One time he stuck his head out the window. The police arrested for mooning.

I told my wife her eyebrows were too high.

She looked surprised.

My mom has a policy where if you kill a butterfly, no butter for a week, and if you kill a grub, no grub for a week. She killed a cockroach today. I have some bad news for her.

A piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.

"Oh, Bunsen, my flame," the sodium swooned. "I melt whenever I see you!"

The Bunsen burner replied, "Calm down. It's just a phase you're going through."

I walked in on my dad fucking my little brother. I don't know what was worse: the fact that he was fucking my brother, or the fact that the abortion clinic let my parents take the fetus home....

I told my mom that I have a crush. She replied with: "So you like girls?" I said: "Uhm no no no." BUT I'm lesbian. Someone help, how do I tell her without her hitting me with a belt?

What's the difference between my wife and her sisters?

Her sisters ate hotter, and I married the grenade.

My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.

So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"

I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"

My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.