My jokes

Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

I was playing laser tag with my ex, but I (wink) didn't realize I had a real gun.

I was walking down the hallway at my job when I saw a kid crying.

I asked him where his parents were, and he kept crying.

Man, I love working at the orphanage.

I had a JFK joke, but it went right through my head.

I like my coffee like my women.

Amateur.

What does gum in my d*ck have in common?

Both get chewed on by little kids.

My wife told me to contact more of my feminine side.

I crashed the car and fucked my trainer.

"Pull down your pants, pull out my willy, stir your guts round like a hot bowl of chili."

My great grandfather died in 9/11.

He was such a good pilot.

My dad told me a joke one time. When I realized the joke, the second tower was hit.

My sister said to roast her, but my mom said I'm not allowed to burn trash.

What's the hardest thing when working with the severely mentally handicapped?

My dick.

I got LEGOs for Christmas, and my friend got her father's headstone.

What’s the difference between my ex and a unicycle?

A unicycle can only take one person at a time.

I actually want peace, not war.

That's what I always try reminding my girlfriend before beating her up.

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. What the fuck are you mad at me for? My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.

Weird, he usually uses a sock.

I like my girlfriend's new secondary school uniform, I guess, but doesn’t beat her old primary school one. 😀

I went to the dump truck today, and my wife said, "Thanks for visiting."

Son: Dad, I have black skin and you have white skin, are you sure you're my parents?

Dad: Oh... well I never thought it would come to this, or to your head that you were kidnapped...

Son: Am I kidnapped?

Dad: Well, you're adopted, and if you want to see your biological parents, they’ll be waiting for you in heaven.