My jokes

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. What the fuck are you mad at me for? My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

My great grandfather died in 9/11.

He was such a good pilot.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

I hope you remembered my name since you’ll be screaming it later.

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.

I had a JFK joke, but it went right through my head.

What’s the difference between my ex and a unicycle?

A unicycle can only take one person at a time.

My sister said to roast her, but my mom said I'm not allowed to burn trash.

What's the hardest thing when working with the severely mentally handicapped?

My dick.

Yesterday, there was a blackout on my street.

So I sold them.

My 19-year-old girl killed a butterfly. I said no butter for you.

She then she killed a cockroach. I told her nice try.

My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11.

Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.

Call me a worn-out sweater because I’m hanging on by a thread.

That’s about to become a rope around my neck.

I’m going to open my own Mexican restaurant and call it boarder patrol.

I was thrown out of the charity food kitchen on my first night of volunteering.

All I said was, "Hurry up, some of us got homes to go to..."

The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."

My son came to me depressed, so I pointed to the spare bedroom and said, "Hang in here, son."

I taped a picture of Bill Cosby to my gun. Now it’s an assault rifle.

My dad told me a joke one time. When I realized the joke, the second tower was hit.

I went to the dump truck today, and my wife said, "Thanks for visiting."