My jokes

I wish my nails were emo so that they would cut themselves.

A man robs a bank and asks a woman, "Did you see that?"

She says, "Yes." So the man shoots her.

He leaves the bank and sees a couple. He asks, "Did you see that?" The husband said, "No, but my wife did!"

ROBERT LEWANDISNEY SONG

Give me freedom. Give me fire. Give me contract, Or I retire.

Jog all day, Out of UCL now. FC Barcelona, I need you now.

Villarreal defenders, They surround me. Big submarines, All around me.

I get upset. Call my agent. I want money. I’m impatient.

Guys, don’t put the Holocaust books in the fiction section, it was the worst mistake of my life!

I watch my parents sleep with a knife in my hands. Only got caught once.

My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.

My BFF asked me: "You know why it took Carlos 3 days to move on?"

I said: "Why?"

My BFF says: "Well, it's because he was already cheating!"

I said: "KNEW IT!"

God, my dad got so pissed during 9/11.

All that work wasted.

I asked my mom why dad was so pale and sick. She said, "Shut the fuck up and keep digging!"

Say "crack my finger" backwards.

My wife and I just decided we don't want to have children.

So if anyone wants them, our contact information is below.

"Sticks and stones break my bones."

A crowbar does it so much quicker.

Little Johnny sits on a chair. He notices he is sitting on something. Then he sees a plastic di**. He asks his mom, "What's that?" and Mom didn't know, so when his dad comes home from work, he sees him with the plastic di** and says, "Son, why you messing with my personal toy?"

My first name is Al and my last name is Coholic :) #yuengling.f/wat

My ceiling fan isn't the only thing that's going to be hanging tonight.

My grandad broke his legs.

To cheer him up, I bought him a Walkman.

I’m taken, taken my own life, bitch!

An orphan asked if they could move into my house yesterday. I said, "Don't you have a family?"

What do you call a kid named Caitlyn?

My best friend.

I will never forget my grandfather's last words:

"Can you hold the ladder correctly, damn it!"