My jokes

I can barely remember the last words my uncle told me.

"Let go of my nose!"

In fright, I saw my faceless soul! Never imagined it could run that fast!

How are Xbox servers like hookers? First they take my money, and then they go down on me.

I like my women how I like my wine: 12 years old and locked in a cellar.

I was watching my son play at the park, and a lady asked me, "Which one is yours?" And for fun, I said, "I don't know, I'm still choosing."

One day I was at school, and this girl had the nerve. She told me to go to the back of the line. I was looking behind me, and she said, "What are you looking for?" I said, "To who [are] you talking to, boo boo?" Like, is you you my momma?

What does Santa say about my mom? HO HO HO!

Uranus has a lot of poop. Yeah. That is my joke.

I'm so depressed that when I smile my Face ID won't work.

What's the difference between a Lambo and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Lambo in my garage.

My cousin: “How’s the lemonade stand supposed to run when you’re at softball practice?!”

Me: “Lemonade stands can’t run, dufus.”

What's the difference between my girlfriend and my sister?

There is no difference.

I can't sit down anymore... My dad went too far this time.

I was swimming in a pool on my vacation when a fan of mine approached me. He said he wanted an autograph and gave me a pen to sign it. I accidentally dropped the pen in the pool. Suddenly, Penaldo came out of NOWHERE and dove to save it. He said he always dives for pens.

When I was 11, my mom came home from the bar super drunk that night, and I just wanted to know if they knew where the cat was because I heard a noise. We had a loooooooong talk the next morning.

Mom said drugs are my enemies. God said love your enemies. What do I tell her?

What's the difference between a T-Rex and your sister? I can't stick my dick in a dinosaur.

To whomever stole my anti-depression pills, I hope you're happy now.

A man walked into a bar with an AK-47 with a 50-round mag and yelled out, "Who the fuck fucked my wife?" Everyone was quiet.

One man at the back stood up and called, "Sorry mate, but I don't think you have enough bullets."

I left my dog at home once, and when I came home it was a mess. Let's just say I was in a RUFF situation.