My jokes

I like my women like I like my diving pools.

Wet and deep.

My sister is so annoying. She won $10,000 to go to hell.

"So you dropped my instruments on stage?"

"It was only the Bass!"

My bumper sticker says: "👋FORMER BABY ON BOARD."

"Mommy, mommy, where's my school dress... ewww!"

"Shut up and leave the bedroom."

My son came to me depressed, so I pointed to the spare bedroom and said, "Hang in here, son."

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I've never had a lentil on my face.

My Chinese friend died recently, So Yung.

My wheelchair-bound friend was getting bullied, so I told him to stand up for himself.

What does gum in my d*ck have in common?

Both get chewed on by little kids.

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. What the fuck are you mad at me for? My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

What did the parent say to Michael Jackson?

"Get off my kid!"

What’s the similarities between a pillow and your mom?

They’re both in my bed.

"My dick fell off in the shower!" suddenly a bright flash of white lights. You see God smiling at you. "Joseph, where is your wiener, little one?" He says, chuckling lightly.

I actually want peace, not war.

That's what I always try reminding my girlfriend before beating her up.

My dog is called Syndrome. He jumps up at me and I shout, "Down, Syndrome! Down, Syndrome!"

The girl asks her boyfriend, "Are you jealous of my heart?"

He says, "No."

She says, "Because it's pumping in me and you're not."

My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.

Weird, he usually uses a sock.

What's the difference between a joke and the Twin Towers? People don't laugh at my jokes.

Son: Dad, I have black skin and you have white skin, are you sure you're my parents?

Dad: Oh... well I never thought it would come to this, or to your head that you were kidnapped...

Son: Am I kidnapped?

Dad: Well, you're adopted, and if you want to see your biological parents, they’ll be waiting for you in heaven.