My jokes

Little Johnny sits on a chair. He notices he is sitting on something. Then he sees a plastic di**. He asks his mom, "What's that?" and Mom didn't know, so when his dad comes home from work, he sees him with the plastic di** and says, "Son, why you messing with my personal toy?"

Here’s another joke my friend told me.

What did the school shooter do when the librarian told him to be quiet? Pulled out a silencer.

My sister is so annoying. She won $10,000 to go to hell.

I wish the grass in my backyard was emo so it would cut itself.

What does my family and the Twin Towers have in common? We both played Jenga.

"Hey, don’t take my toy! What are you going to tell your parents?"

What is the difference between a woman and my fridge?

Only one moans when I put my meat in it.

My son came up to me and said, "Mom, where are your parents?"

I stared in confusion. I said, "In a far place."

He asked, "In an orphanage?"

My wife says sex is even better on holiday. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on technology. So I unplugged his life support. (ref)

The guy in the wheelchair at my gym can do so many pull-ups with the wheelchair on, but I said to him, "Don't skip leg day."

What did The Rock say to his dad?

"I'm gonna Rock Bottom my cock down your throat!"

My current love life is like a god. It’s not real.

How to improve my beloved Penchester United in 5 easy steps:

1. Sell Casemeiro 🤑 2. Sell Pernandes 🤑 3. Sell Bencho 🤑 4. Sell Trashford 🤑 5. Terminate penaldo 🤑 6. Make Mctominay extend his deal 📝

These came down deep from my heart. Don’t let me down again, please.

I will never forget my grandfather's last words:

"Can you hold the ladder correctly, damn it!"

I like my orphans how I like my wine, locked in my basement for ten.

My biggest joke: I’d show you, but I don’t have a mirror to show you.

I’m taken, taken my own life, bitch!

Things I would’ve missed if my suicide attempt didn’t fail in 2020.

My attempt in 2021.

And my attempt this year.

My dad went to get milk from Tesco’s.

He never came back.