My jokes

Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

My Chinese friend died recently, So Yung.

Four men were asked if they could have something with their cousin for €500.

The first replied: "For 500€? Of course!"

The second said: "I'd do it for free!"

The third replied: "I would even give her 200€!"

The fourth replied: "With my ex? Never!"

What's the difference between the milkman and my dad?

Nothing, they are both one thing except he never returns with milk.

(I've been eating cereal with water COMBINATION!)

I asked my friend what the best gay joke is, and she said "You."

I was playing laser tag with my ex, but I (wink) didn't realize I had a real gun.

What’s strong enough for a man, but made for a woman?

The back of my hand.

I had a JFK joke, but it went right through my head.

What did the parent say to Michael Jackson?

"Get off my kid!"

My friend Josh made a joke about Liam's hairline, even though his ears are so big and his face looks like a monkey... if they were white.

My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.

(True story) Today I was bringing some tortilla chips upstairs for some chips and dip, and I dropped them, so my mom goes “Oh, now they’re broken.”

And I took an opportunity to make a pun, so I said, “No, they’re just chipped.”

Girlfriend: "Would you still love me if I was a figment of your imagination?"

My schizophrenic ass: Of course I would.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

You know it's so hard to clean my sex toys.

Thank you, Jesus, for creating holy water!

What do you call a person with a flip flop?

My dad.

My friend said an apple a day keeps the orphan away. I said only if you throw it hard enough.

I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't stand for the pledge. She was in a wheelchair.

A man comes home, and the wife says, "My ex just died by getting hit by a bus." And the husband said, "I lost my job as a bus driver."

My wheelchair-bound friend was getting bullied, so I told him to stand up for himself.