My jokes

My mom: If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you?

Me: No.

Attack on Titan music starts playing in my head.

My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger sister.

My great-great-great grandpa killed Hitler.

What part of "Another One Bites the Dust" do you sing to a disabled person to make fun of them? "I'm standing on my own two feet."

I asked my orphan friend what his movie is, he said "Spiderman: No Way Home." I said, "Probably because it's so relatable, right?" He started crying. I don't know why.

My friend wants to do martial arts, but he's disabled, so I guess it’s partial arts.

My son came up to me and said, "Mom, where are your parents?"

I stared in confusion. I said, "In a far place."

He asked, "In an orphanage?"

My wife says sex is even better on holiday. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.

I am crying tears of joy rn.😭 I was wrongfully denied my visa. ☠️ They took me to the Q&A section, that I needed to answer one simple question for my visa to be granted.

The question was the original synonym of Bench. I shakily answered "Pristiano Penaldo" 😭. I was right guys ✅🛫

How to improve my beloved Penchester United in 5 easy steps:

1. Sell Casemeiro 🤑 2. Sell Pernandes 🤑 3. Sell Bencho 🤑 4. Sell Trashford 🤑 5. Terminate penaldo 🤑 6. Make Mctominay extend his deal 📝

These came down deep from my heart. Don’t let me down again, please.

Cremation is my only hope for a hot, smoking body.

Elmo in 2022 is called "Tickle My Balls Elmo."

How I Punch my Brother: Wooden Sword.

How he is telling Dad: Diamond Sword.

How hard my Dad is gonna punch me: Warden Punch.

You look good now, but you’d look better hanging from my ceiling. ;)

What is the difference between a woman and my fridge?

Only one moans when I put my meat in it.

My current love life is like a god. It’s not real.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on technology. So I unplugged his life support. (ref)

I wish the grass in my backyard was emo so it would cut itself.

"Hey, don’t take my toy! What are you going to tell your parents?"

My wife and I have reached the decision that we do not want children.

If anyone does, please comment your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.