My jokes
School Rizz:
You are my exam. I am always thinking about you but never making a move.
My friend Josh made a joke about Liam's hairline, even though his ears are so big and his face looks like a monkey... if they were white.
My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.
I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't stand for the pledge. She was in a wheelchair.
A man comes home, and the wife says, "My ex just died by getting hit by a bus." And the husband said, "I lost my job as a bus driver."
Memes
My wheelchair-bound friend was getting bullied, so I told him to stand up for himself.
A kid named Timmy said to his dad that he had sex with his teacher, and his dad was proud of him and gave him a bike.
The kid said, "I can't use it; my butt hurts!"
My friend said an apple a day keeps the orphan away. I said only if you throw it hard enough.
Are you a playground? Because I want to put my kids in you.
What did the parent say to Michael Jackson?
"Get off my kid!"
Whatβs strong enough for a man, but made for a woman?
The back of my hand.
I actually want peace, not war.
That's what I always try reminding my girlfriend before beating her up.
My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.
Weird, he usually uses a sock.
The girl asks her boyfriend, "Are you jealous of my heart?"
He says, "No."
She says, "Because it's pumping in me and you're not."
"Pull down your pants, pull out my willy, stir your guts round like a hot bowl of chili."
I like my coffee like my women.
Amateur.
My wife treats me like God!
She takes no notice of my existence until she wants something.
I told my therapist I feel suicidal. He charged me in advance.
I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."
I was at my grandparents' and saw someone breaking into a car. I told my grandpa, "He's trying to break into the car!" He said, "No, ours is in the garden."