My jokes

Mom told me drugs are my enemies.

Jesus said to like your enemies.

Yay, I can like drugs then!

I told my deaf mom to be nice to the neighbors. She didn't listen...

One of my friends named Jill had a drug overdose.

She didn’t have any of that drug after that. For the rest of her life, she acted very high. When she died, it was because of natural causes, not the drug. So this proves that a lethal dose is also a life time supply.

I asked my orphan friend to come to my house. He said he was confused because he didn't know what that is.

Why am I so fat? When I was younger my mother said I should be the bigger person.

I walked to the milk store and did not see my dad.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Your mom.

Fuck you you rwind my life.

The last time I had flying lessons, I hit some building in Manhattan. Then my Uncle got shot in 2008. Darn...

My sister says, "Dad," and repeats it, and this is my dad: WOULD U STOP me? 😑

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.

She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.

So I had him bring my wife.

What’s the difference between cancer and my brother?

My brother didn’t beat cancer.

I saw a black man riding a brand new bike, so I went home to check my garage. It’s all good because I still saw mine still chained to the floor begging for food.

My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2.

He never talks about it.

I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket: "Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!"

Once my girlfriend asked me to give her lipstick, and I accidentally gave her the glue stick.

She won't talk to me anymore.

I don't know what an HD is, but my doctor says I have 80 of 'em'.

Guy 1: Hey, can you stop making 9/11 jokes? My dad died during it.

Guy 2: Sorry, I will stop. What was your dad?

Guy 1: The pilot. He saw a KFC and wanted it, so, well, you know.

I'm always willing to go down on a handicapped girl.

Momma always told me to eat my vegetables.