My jokes
I don't know what an HD is, but my doctor says I have 80 of 'em'.
Why did my foot cross the road?
Because your ass was on the other side.
Me: My grandpa killed 100 nazis in WWII.
My Friend: Well my grandpa killed Hitler.
Me: *Realizes*
I copied my friend's work. It's not like the teacher can tell my parents.
My grandpa died in 9/11. He crashed a plane.
My dad died in the 9/11 attack. He was a good pilot.
I'm just like my LEDs, I'm meant to be hung.
Me: Hey, do you want to meet my grandma?
Friend: Yeah, sure.
Me: *pulls out gun*
What's the difference between my dad and cancer?
My dad didn't beat the cancer.
My grandpa said my generation relies too much on technology.
Then I unplugged his life support. :)
Everyone else seems to have met my dad. I only have the mugshots.
I like my women like I like my traction control: disabled.
What is the only video game to be ever made in Africa?
Where's My Water?
Today was the worst day ever. My ex got ran over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
Dmitri! Where's my vodka?
I'm related to diarrhea; it runs in my jeans.
"I’m on a hunt for my wife’s murderer, have been for years."
"Oh my God! Your wife’s been murdered?!"
"No no, you misunderstand. I’m still looking for him."
What did the woman say to Michael Jackson at the beach?
"Excuse me, sir, you're in my son."
My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.
Man #1: Pretend your age is a level, I am Level 20.
Man #2: My son died at level 4.
Man #1: Lol, your son is a noob.