My jokes

My brother couldn’t wait for fall, so I tripped him.

My sister says, "Dad," and repeats it, and this is my dad: WOULD U STOP me? 😑

I'm still playing hide & seek with my dad.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Your mom.

Fuck you you rwind my life.

My new leaf blower doesn't work. It sucks.

Who's a pineapple? I'm a pineapple... Yass.

Teacher and kid.

Kid: Hey, teacher.

Teacher: Yes?

Kid: Would you punish me for something I didn't do?

Teacher: Of course not.

Kid: Well, I didn't do my homework!

A llama kicked me out of my house. Alpaca my bags.

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.

She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

What’s the difference between cancer and my brother?

My brother didn’t beat cancer.

I saw a black man riding a brand new bike, so I went home to check my garage. It’s all good because I still saw mine still chained to the floor begging for food.

I look at my girlfriend’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can.

Like it’s my next meal.

I went to see my dentist, and she warned me it was going to hurt. Then, she told me she was having an affair with my husband. Good news though...the cleaning didn't hurt.

I'm always willing to go down on a handicapped girl.

Momma always told me to eat my vegetables.

I always win arguments against my handicapped girlfriend; she can't stand for herself.

They call me Mr. Distracted, truly a spastic. Can't talk to my folks cause they say I'm pro- problematic. Really fantastic. Can't focus unless I take meds then it's magic. My brain is like traffic, always fucking active. But never at the right time, pretty fucking tragic it happens.

A dad told his son never to hit girls, so the son replied, "I promise."

When the son got older, he was doing the dirty with "a girl," and the girl says, "Spank me, daddy..." and the son responds, "My dad said never to hit a girl."

Then the "girl" takes off the wig, and it's his dad, and the dad said, "Good job, son!"

Son:...... um

A note for my History Teacher:

Frick frack apple jack tic tac sick sack Mr. Khan and give him a big fat whack 'cause his teaching's got lack, his system I will hack and through the screen I'll give him a smack. I'll throw him on the clothing rack. On his seat I'll put thumb tacks, I'll break his momma's back... and he'll never come back.

My family chastises me for MY job, but you should hear how my family provides "customer service" at their jobs. My mother works as a social worker and answers the phone like, "DYFS, you beat em, we treat em." My grandmother is a Medical Examiner and she answers the phone like, "City Morgue, you kill em, we chill em." These bitches have no class! I'm an actress and studio secretary. When you call the studio, I answer the phone professionally like, "Good afternoon. IHOP, International House Of Pussy. Creampie Cassie speaking."

I asked my daddy what sex was. He said, "Wanna cum and try it?"

Me, calls the police*

Me: Hey, I'm gonna commit suicide!

Cop on the phone: Please wait till we get there.

Me: Why, so you can then stop me?

Cop on the phone: No, we just want a murder, not a suicidal report on your paper... and we are all bored!

Me: Ok, my house number is *********************, ok!

Cop on the phone: Awesome! Just a sec. *whispers* Guys, I finally found someone who wants to get killed!