My jokes

It squirted in my eye, God dammit!

What did the lady say to Michael Jackson on the beach?

"Excuse me sir, but you're in my sun."

Guys, don’t let nobody hurt you with words.

Like someone once said, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

An orphan finds a genie.

Orphan: "My first wish is to be rich."

Genie: "Of course."

Orphan: "My second wish is to be famous."

Genie: "Done."

Orphan: "I wish my parents could come back!"

Genie: "I told you I can't bring people back from the dead!"

I pulled a prank on my friend the other day. I painted a portrait of the backrooms blueprints while he was sleeping. Still had some extra space.

Me: Are you okay?

Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out," I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.

She be hubba on my bubba till I gum.

My friend entered a pun contest. He entered ten, figuring at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.

Grew up playing Fruit Ninja on my iPad. Spent time with my online sister playing multiplayer.

Now I play it in school with an awesome small steel blade.

I’m not allowed my phone during school hours and I have to give it in at the start of the day...

I laughed when I realized that my suicide letter is way longer than my sibling's college essay.

My life, ha ha funny!

Are you a hotdog stand? 'Cause you make my hotdog stand ;)

What’s the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus?

They’re both saying “Oh my god my mom’s gonna kill me!”

Jeffy: I need a new butt. My old one has a crack in it.

If you want to see my foes, bring a shovel and bring a map and a getaway car just in case we get caught.

What do you call a mix of nuts, bolts, and my ex?

A roTHOT.

So I was playing on my phone, and my mom said to go and take the trash out, so I pick up my sister and threw her in the garbage bin and said, "Mom told me to." And when I came back in, my mom said not to do that ever again, but then I told her that she says not to lie, so I was doing the right thing. 👍

My penis is longer than one inch.

My girlfriend's sister told me to write her a poem. This is what I came up with:

roses are red, violets are blue, if you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.

A teacher says, "If you have one dollar and your parents give you 5 dollars, how much do you have?"

Everyone raised their hands except for a little girl in the front, but the teacher called on her anyway.

The girl said, "My parents left me, so I would have one dollar."