My jokes

What's the hardest thing when working with the severely mentally handicapped?

My dick.

My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11.

Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.

What does gum in my d*ck have in common?

Both get chewed on by little kids.

My wife told me to contact more of my feminine side.

I crashed the car and fucked my trainer.

Me and my friend (rope) like hanging out.

She be hubba on my bubba till I gum.

There's no Asian kids in my class, but it just happens to be the rice store and the pet store just ran out of stock...

Kid: *runs down the street* HELP ME!

Officer: You OK, kid?

Me: Don't worry! He's my nephew, there was a big spider.

Officer: Oh, OK, ma'am. *walks off*

When officer leaves:

Me: *gets whip* What did I say about leaving the basement?

Are you a playground? Because I want to put my kids in you.

School Rizz:

You are my exam. I am always thinking about you but never making a move.

"So you dropped my instruments on stage?"

"It was only the Bass!"

You want a joke? My entire existence.

My bumper sticker says: "👋FORMER BABY ON BOARD."

"Mommy, mommy, where's my school dress... ewww!"

"Shut up and leave the bedroom."

My grandad broke his legs.

To cheer him up, I bought him a Walkman.

My friend wasn't open to the idea of me becoming a nudist.

I told him to stop being so clothes-minded.

A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.

The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."

The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."

I like my women like I like my diving pools.

Wet and deep.

My sister is so annoying. She won $10,000 to go to hell.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.