My jokes

My grandpa personally killed 3 German pilots. He was the worst mechanic Luftwaffe had.

I'd tell ya a poop joke, but you're my favorite turd.

Guess how I got away from my mom saying I can't play Fortnite? I took my stuff and I ran to Iran.

I like my coffee the way I like jokes about my coffee, I don't.

If anyone's gonna be fuckin' my sister, it's gonna be ME!

My sister said the onion is the only vegetable that can make you cry...

So I threw a carrot at her.

My mom came to me and shouted, "Nobody is giving me a fuck." So I went forward and fucked her!

My young son saw Trump on TV. He asked, "Why is the man on TV painted orange?" I replied, "Son, when Russia pays that much for equipment, they don't want it to rust."

My friends hate when I make skeleton jokes. I guess I need to put more backbone into it.

The only difference between my grandma and the Twin Towers is that they collapsed faster than my grandma.

One day at school, I made fun of a girl who lost her hair from cancer, and my parents made me shave my head.

The next day at school, I made fun of an orphan.

What's the difference between my arm and legs? Nothing. I slit both of them.

Are you George Floyd?

'Cause baby, you take my breath away... OOF!

I lost my dog. I probably shouldn't have named him "rape."

My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.

As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.

Are you my pantry? Because you look like a snack ;)

Can I put my balls in your jaws?

I wouldn't call a Suicide Help-line even if my life depended on it.

Literally every movie:

"I love you." "I love you, too."

My life:

My 'friends': "Hey, Hailey likes you!" Him: "Wtf, I have a girlfriend, sorry not sorry." His friends: Spreads the word throughout the whole goddamn country. 😶

My dad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.