My jokes

Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.

My worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.

The biggest inconvenience in 2001, I thought, was my brother. Turns out it was 9/11. I guess the planes saw him be born and died from how ugly he was. Aluh aluckbar.

I like my women the way I like my sandwiches... A little meat between their buns.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

How did the burglar get into my house?

Intruder window.

Me- *crying in the shower*

Also me- *why is my toaster in here?*

If it’s called the “living room,” why did my grandma die there?

This guy looked down the aisle and asked, "Hey, are those kids all yours?" And I replied: "No, I work for a condom company, and these kids are just all of my complaints."

Roses are red, violets are blue, my mom and dad died, next you'll be gone too.

Today was a bittersweet day...

Bad news is my friend was assaulted. Good news is I successfully sneak attacked someone!

My friend said, "Why do you have depression? There is so much happiness in the world." And I said, "Why do you have asthma? There is so much air in the world."

Joe mama so fat, she could not walk the stairs of heaven.

Credits: to my friend.

Me: Are you okay?

Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out," I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.

I always win arguments against my handicapped girlfriend; she can't stand for herself.

So, I took a poop outside. When I was done, I wiped and got it on my finger. After that, I had Nutella, and I thought the poop on my hand was Nutella, and I licked it. I said, "Daddy chill, what in the heck is this crap?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you... You have my Word.

Mother: How is my little cookie doing?

Doctor: Your cookie is feeling crummy right now.

Mother: Really?

Doctor: But don’t worry. Things are about to get batter.

Mother: 😁♥️🍪

What does Santa say about my mom? HO HO HO!

I am never letting Elsa take care of my dog again. Last time she just let it go.