My jokes

I sleep in a castle once every 2 weeks.

It's my fort knight.

I wish the grass outside of my house was emo, because it would cut itself.

Today I told my sis, "Knock knock."

She said, "Who's there?"

I said, "I Eat eat my mop."

She said, "I eat mop poo instead of who."

My wife and I have reached the decision that we do not want children.

If anyone does, please comment your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

I called my dog J. They said, "Joné."

I actually want peace, not war.

That's what I always try reminding my girlfriend before beating her up.

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. What the fuck are you mad at me for? My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

The girl asks her boyfriend, "Are you jealous of my heart?"

He says, "No."

She says, "Because it's pumping in me and you're not."

"Pull down your pants, pull out my willy, stir your guts round like a hot bowl of chili."

Instead of the line, "This girl's on fire," my friend can relate to, "The baby in the oven's on fire, and I need to take it the f*ck out!"

My wife treats me like God!

She takes no notice of my existence until she wants something.

I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."

I’m going to open my own Mexican restaurant and call it boarder patrol.

I was thrown out of the charity food kitchen on my first night of volunteering.

All I said was, "Hurry up, some of us got homes to go to..."

I like my coffee like my women.

Amateur.

I was at my grandparents' and saw someone breaking into a car. I told my grandpa, "He's trying to break into the car!" He said, "No, ours is in the garden."

We found out my grandpa is addicted to Viagra. No one is taking it harder than my dad.

My girlfriend called me a cocksucker, but hey, 20 dollars is 20 dollars.

What does a Chinese guy say to his lover? “You’re the ying to my yang!”

I was walking down the hallway at my job when I saw a kid crying.

I asked him where his parents were, and he kept crying.

Man, I love working at the orphanage.