My jokes

Little Johnny sits on a chair. He notices he is sitting on something. Then he sees a plastic di**. He asks his mom, "What's that?" and Mom didn't know, so when his dad comes home from work, he sees him with the plastic di** and says, "Son, why you messing with my personal toy?"

My first name is Al and my last name is Coholic :) #yuengling.f/wat

Here’s another joke my friend told me.

What did the school shooter do when the librarian told him to be quiet? Pulled out a silencer.

I went to self-checkout at a store and I scanned my products, but the scanner wouldn't scan the barcode on my arm.

"Sticks and stones break my bones."

A crowbar does it so much quicker.

My ceiling fan isn't the only thing that's going to be hanging tonight.

I asked my mom why dad was so pale and sick. She said, "Shut the fuck up and keep digging!"

I wish my nails were emo so that they would cut themselves.

My BFF asked me: "You know why it took Carlos 3 days to move on?"

I said: "Why?"

My BFF says: "Well, it's because he was already cheating!"

I said: "KNEW IT!"

God, my dad got so pissed during 9/11.

All that work wasted.

I watch my parents sleep with a knife in my hands. Only got caught once.

A man robs a bank and asks a woman, "Did you see that?"

She says, "Yes." So the man shoots her.

He leaves the bank and sees a couple. He asks, "Did you see that?" The husband said, "No, but my wife did!"

ROBERT LEWANDISNEY SONG

Give me freedom. Give me fire. Give me contract, Or I retire.

Jog all day, Out of UCL now. FC Barcelona, I need you now.

Villarreal defenders, They surround me. Big submarines, All around me.

I get upset. Call my agent. I want money. I’m impatient.

Guys, don’t put the Holocaust books in the fiction section, it was the worst mistake of my life!

Things I would’ve missed if my suicide attempt didn’t fail in 2020.

My attempt in 2021.

And my attempt this year.

What does my family and the Twin Towers have in common? We both played Jenga.

What did The Rock say to his dad?

"I'm gonna Rock Bottom my cock down your throat!"

My biggest joke: I’d show you, but I don’t have a mirror to show you.

An orphan asked if they could move into my house yesterday. I said, "Don't you have a family?"

My friend showed me his broken finger, and I said, "JESUS!" He said his name is Jake.