My jokes

My ceiling fan isn't the only thing that's going to be hanging tonight.

I wish my nails were emo so that they would cut themselves.

A man robs a bank and asks a woman, "Did you see that?"

She says, "Yes." So the man shoots her.

He leaves the bank and sees a couple. He asks, "Did you see that?" The husband said, "No, but my wife did!"

My BFF asked me: "You know why it took Carlos 3 days to move on?"

I said: "Why?"

My BFF says: "Well, it's because he was already cheating!"

I said: "KNEW IT!"

God, my dad got so pissed during 9/11.

All that work wasted.

I asked my mom why dad was so pale and sick. She said, "Shut the fuck up and keep digging!"

My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.

What did the emo kid say to the cashier? ... "Scan my wrists."

An orphan asked if they could move into my house yesterday. I said, "Don't you have a family?"

My friend showed me his broken finger, and I said, "JESUS!" He said his name is Jake.

What's big, bounces, and makes little kids cry?

My donation to the orphanage :)

What do you call a kid named Caitlyn?

My best friend.

What's overcrowded and uncomfortable?

My mind.

ROBERT LEWANDISNEY SONG

Give me freedom. Give me fire. Give me contract, Or I retire.

Jog all day, Out of UCL now. FC Barcelona, I need you now.

Villarreal defenders, They surround me. Big submarines, All around me.

I get upset. Call my agent. I want money. I’m impatient.

Guys, don’t put the Holocaust books in the fiction section, it was the worst mistake of my life!

I watch my parents sleep with a knife in my hands. Only got caught once.

My friend said they were going to make a comeback. I told them to do it at the back of the throat.

Things I would’ve missed if my suicide attempt didn’t fail in 2020.

My attempt in 2021.

And my attempt this year.

What does my family and the Twin Towers have in common? We both played Jenga.

I’m taken, taken my own life, bitch!