My jokes

A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.

The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."

The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."

My grandad broke his legs.

To cheer him up, I bought him a Walkman.

When I see James Charles, my popcorn goes pop pop.

I called my dog J. They said, "Joné."

My wife and I have reached the decision that we do not want children.

If anyone does, please comment your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

"So you dropped my instruments on stage?"

"It was only the Bass!"

I like my women like I like my diving pools.

Wet and deep.

You want a joke? My entire existence.

My sister is so annoying. She won $10,000 to go to hell.

My bumper sticker says: "👋FORMER BABY ON BOARD."

"Mommy, mommy, where's my school dress... ewww!"

"Shut up and leave the bedroom."

My friend wasn't open to the idea of me becoming a nudist.

I told him to stop being so clothes-minded.

Did you see that Chinese man with no legs?

No, I'm blind.

Stop ruining my jokes.

Isn't that the Chinese man with no legs' fault?

It's not like He Go Ann Hi Weh.

(True story) Today I was bringing some tortilla chips upstairs for some chips and dip, and I dropped them, so my mom goes “Oh, now they’re broken.”

And I took an opportunity to make a pun, so I said, “No, they’re just chipped.”

She be hubba on my bubba till I gum.

There's no Asian kids in my class, but it just happens to be the rice store and the pet store just ran out of stock...

Girlfriend: "Would you still love me if I was a figment of your imagination?"

My schizophrenic ass: Of course I would.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Kid: *runs down the street* HELP ME!

Officer: You OK, kid?

Me: Don't worry! He's my nephew, there was a big spider.

Officer: Oh, OK, ma'am. *walks off*

When officer leaves:

Me: *gets whip* What did I say about leaving the basement?

It's horrible to make jokes about 9/11, but it's not funny when I found out my mate's mum jumped from the 21st floor.