My Jokes

Instead of the line, "This girl's on fire," my friend can relate to, "The baby in the oven's on fire, and I need to take it the f*ck out!"

My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.

There's no Asian kids in my class, but it just happens to be the rice store and the pet store just ran out of stock...

My friend said an apple a day keeps the orphan away. I said only if you throw it hard enough.

Are you a playground? Because I want to put my kids in you.

You want a joke? My entire existence.

I like my women like I like my diving pools.

Wet and deep.

My sister is so annoying. She won $10,000 to go to hell.

"So you dropped my instruments on stage?"

"It was only the Bass!"

My bumper sticker says: "👋FORMER BABY ON BOARD."

"Mommy, mommy, where's my school dress... ewww!"

"Shut up and leave the bedroom."

My son came to me depressed, so I pointed to the spare bedroom and said, "Hang in here, son."

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I've never had a lentil on my face.

My Chinese friend died recently, So Yung.

My wheelchair-bound friend was getting bullied, so I told him to stand up for himself.

What does gum in my d*ck have in common?

Both get chewed on by little kids.

"My dick fell off in the shower!" suddenly a bright flash of white lights. You see God smiling at you. "Joseph, where is your wiener, little one?" He says, chuckling lightly.

I actually want peace, not war.

That's what I always try reminding my girlfriend before beating her up.

Roses are red, violets are blue.

My heart is dead because of you.

Actually, not because of you... because of your face.

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. What the fuck are you mad at me for? My grandpa didn’t even survive one.