My jokes

I got a new Lego airplane set from my friend... oddly, there were also two towers included in the box as well.

My wife told me to treat her like a princess, so I got drunk and drove through the tunnel.

"Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head."

- JFK

I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't stand for the pledge. She was in a wheelchair.

A man comes home, and the wife says, "My ex just died by getting hit by a bus." And the husband said, "I lost my job as a bus driver."

My wheelchair-bound friend was getting bullied, so I told him to stand up for himself.

A kid named Timmy said to his dad that he had sex with his teacher, and his dad was proud of him and gave him a bike.

The kid said, "I can't use it; my butt hurts!"

Did you see that Chinese man with no legs?

No, I'm blind.

Stop ruining my jokes.

Isn't that the Chinese man with no legs' fault?

It's not like He Go Ann Hi Weh.

Are you a playground? Because I want to put my kids in you.

What did the parent say to Michael Jackson?

"Get off my kid!"

People ask me if my friend jumps off a bridge, will I go as well? Of course not. I am a leader; I will go first, my friend will jump after me!

Girlfriend: "Would you still love me if I was a figment of your imagination?"

My schizophrenic ass: Of course I would.

(True story) Today I was bringing some tortilla chips upstairs for some chips and dip, and I dropped them, so my mom goes “Oh, now they’re broken.”

And I took an opportunity to make a pun, so I said, “No, they’re just chipped.”

The wheelchair kid laughed at my test score, so I told him to stand up to the anthem.

A priest says to me, "Come up, my child." Then I said, "Do I know you? Because you're not my father."

Me and my friend (rope) like hanging out.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Kid: *runs down the street* HELP ME!

Officer: You OK, kid?

Me: Don't worry! He's my nephew, there was a big spider.

Officer: Oh, OK, ma'am. *walks off*

When officer leaves:

Me: *gets whip* What did I say about leaving the basement?

My friend said an apple a day keeps the orphan away. I said only if you throw it hard enough.

The guy in the wheelchair at my gym can do so many pull-ups with the wheelchair on, but I said to him, "Don't skip leg day."