My jokes

My girlfriend called me a pedophile, I said that's a big word for a seven year old.

I was hunting at night for deer, and then I found one and shot it. I realized the deer I shot was actually my ex...

What did the lady say to Michael Jackson on the beach?

"Excuse me sir, but you're in my sun."

I asked my friend if they will show me something retarded. He said, "Go look in a mirror." I said, "Thank you."

What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can’t be found.

My sister said the onion is the only vegetable that can make you cry...

So I threw a carrot at her.

If anyone's gonna be fuckin' my sister, it's gonna be ME!

I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"

I got a phone call from a guy labeled "assassin" saying my life will end soon. I seriously doubt that he w- *gunshot*

My dad died in 9/11.

But he was the pilot.

I'd tell ya a poop joke, but you're my favorite turd.

Guess how I got away from my mom saying I can't play Fortnite? I took my stuff and I ran to Iran.

I like my coffee the way I like jokes about my coffee, I don't.

My young son saw Trump on TV. He asked, "Why is the man on TV painted orange?" I replied, "Son, when Russia pays that much for equipment, they don't want it to rust."

When you know that everyone thinks you're a hoe.

WHEN Y'ALL ARE MY HOES!

So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster... Now it doesn't work.

One day at school, I made fun of a girl who lost her hair from cancer, and my parents made me shave my head.

The next day at school, I made fun of an orphan.

I lost my dog. I probably shouldn't have named him "rape."

What's the difference between my arm and legs? Nothing. I slit both of them.

The only difference between my grandma and the Twin Towers is that they collapsed faster than my grandma.