My jokes

What's the difference between my arm and legs? Nothing. I slit both of them.

Are you George Floyd?

'Cause baby, you take my breath away... OOF!

I lost my dog. I probably shouldn't have named him "rape."

My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.

As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.

Are you my pantry? Because you look like a snack ;)

Can I put my balls in your jaws?

I wouldn't call a Suicide Help-line even if my life depended on it.

Literally every movie:

"I love you." "I love you, too."

My life:

My 'friends': "Hey, Hailey likes you!" Him: "Wtf, I have a girlfriend, sorry not sorry." His friends: Spreads the word throughout the whole goddamn country. 😶

My dad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

So I was digging in the garden and I found some treasure. I was gonna tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging in the garden.

Today I found out that my cat got hit by a car accident. Well, I guess I'm gonna play ninja fruits on my hands again. It's not like anyone will notice.

A policeman just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous! My dogs don’t even own bikes!

What's the difference between a Lambo and 200 children in my basement? One screams; the children don't.

Mom: You need to grow up. You're so immature.

Me: *glares* Get out of my castle....

Mom: It's a pillow fort.

Me: Why can't I have an imagination! ?

Mom: You're almost 19 years old.

Me: Not good enough... OUT!

There is this cute Russian girl in my class, yet she hasn't asked me out for vodka.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting "9"!

That’s the best I’ve done so far.

My eggs are just like my dad... nonegg-istent.

I went to a stand up show with the person who made my life a joke.

Me and my grandpa went on a road trip, and he died. That was the last thing we did together, and I will never forget his last words: “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS!”

How many dead babies does it take to put in a new light bulb? Not thirteen, cuz my basement is still dark. Let's try fourteen.