My jokes
My young son saw Trump on TV. He asked, "Why is the man on TV painted orange?" I replied, "Son, when Russia pays that much for equipment, they don't want it to rust."
So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster... Now it doesn't work.
Literally every movie:
"I love you." "I love you, too."
My life:
My 'friends': "Hey, Hailey likes you!" Him: "Wtf, I have a girlfriend, sorry not sorry." His friends: Spreads the word throughout the whole goddamn country. 😶
So I was digging in the garden and I found some treasure. I was gonna tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging in the garden.
Are you my pantry? Because you look like a snack ;)
Memes
My dad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What's the difference between my arm and legs? Nothing. I slit both of them.
I lost my dog. I probably shouldn't have named him "rape."
Are you George Floyd?
'Cause baby, you take my breath away... OOF!
Today I found out that my cat got hit by a car accident. Well, I guess I'm gonna play ninja fruits on my hands again. It's not like anyone will notice.
My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.
As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.
Can I put my balls in your jaws?
What's the difference between a Lambo and 200 children in my basement? One screams; the children don't.
There is this cute Russian girl in my class, yet she hasn't asked me out for vodka.
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.
Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting "9"!
That’s the best I’ve done so far.
My friends hate when I make skeleton jokes. I guess I need to put more backbone into it.
I went to a stand up show with the person who made my life a joke.
My eggs are just like my dad... nonegg-istent.
Mom: You need to grow up. You're so immature.
Me: *glares* Get out of my castle....
Mom: It's a pillow fort.
Me: Why can't I have an imagination! ?
Mom: You're almost 19 years old.
Me: Not good enough... OUT!
Me and my grandpa went on a road trip, and he died. That was the last thing we did together, and I will never forget his last words: “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS!”