My jokes

I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"

I hope you know CPR, because you are taking my breath away!

I went to the tattoo shop and asked for a skull.

A Jewish guy behind me said, "A skull? Back in my day, we could only get numbers!"

I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’

I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"

He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."

Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.

My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...

So I threw a coconut at her.

Roses are red, my mental health is blue, Karen got no mom like you.

My (at the time) boyfriend told our chemistry teacher that blood is corrosive to steel.

Anyways, my sharpener isn’t working because the blade has been too badly damaged from something else...

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.

What did Adam say when he saw Eve?

Answer: "Woman!"

Do you want to buy my Hoover?

I mean... it's just collecting dust.

I will remember my biker buddy's last words: "Why did you cut in front of me?"

I asked my lab partner for sodium hypobromate, but he said, "Na Br O."

A scarecrow said this job isn't for everyone.

But hay! It's in my jeans!

My grief counselor died just the other day.

He was so good though, I didn't care.

Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night, she’s back in bed.

My grandpa said, "You kids rely on too much electronics." I said, well we will see about that. *unplugging life support* me: *oops*

My dad died in 9/11.

He was the best pilot I ever knew.

my therapist told me that time heals wounds i stabbed him now we wait

My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.

What a weird way to start a conversation!