My jokes
The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."
What’s the similarities between a pillow and your mom?
They’re both in my bed.
My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.
I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.
My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...
So I threw a coconut at her.
Roses are red, my mental health is blue, Karen got no mom like you.
.o.
My grandpa said, "You kids rely on too much electronics." I said, well we will see about that. *unplugging life support* me: *oops*
I decided to take my mother-in-law out the other day. I love being a hitman.
My (at the time) boyfriend told our chemistry teacher that blood is corrosive to steel.
Anyways, my sharpener isn’t working because the blade has been too badly damaged from something else...
I like my women how I like my scotch: 11 years old and mixed with Coke.
I saw my wife at the dam yesterday, which sucks because I wanted her to flow further down.
One time my dad was an orphan, so I questioned where he learned to parent.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when I push my autistic brother down the stairs.
After an intense workout, I finally have the body I've always dreamed of.
It's in my basement.
John and Chloe are in school arguing about who has the more heroic grandfather.
Chloe says, "My grandfather killed 50 Nazis, he's so heroic!"
John says, "So what? My grandfather KILLED Hitler!"
My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*
Me: Yea-
My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*
Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-
My mom tells me to stop with the suicide jokes, and I replied with, "It's not that deep."
They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.
My fish died, and I didn't do anything. I just took my fish for a walk.
Me: Good night, everyone.
My friends and family: Night.
Me: *gets in coffin*
My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?
My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.
My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."