My jokes

Come, my children, to the bread cult!

Me: Good night, everyone.

My friends and family: Night.

Me: *gets in coffin*

My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?

My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.

For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

My math teacher asked me what a liked term was. I told her I couldn't say, never experienced it.

My fish died, and I didn't do anything. I just took my fish for a walk.

Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?

"I finished my job."

What about me?

My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.

Religious mom: FINALLY!

Me: Grabs a noose.

My wife said I had no sense of direction... so I packed my sh*t and left.

They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-

My mom tells me to stop with the suicide jokes, and I replied with, "It's not that deep."

I learned my dad got into a car crash this morning.

And my driver's license got revoked too.

I was in a motivational seminar about depression the other day, and she said I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind to it. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it, even if it's messy.

I have an exam next week, so I called my ex and asked if she had any cheating tips.

TEST QUESTION: what looks like half an apple?

My cousin: the other half.

Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake, but it ended up fulfilling the 5-year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.

I know the voices in my head aren't real, but man, do they have some good ideas.

One day my mom told me to take out the trash, and I did. The next day, mom asked me, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "A garbage truck took her." Mom started running to try and get the truck before it left.

My mom asked me if I was okay, so I replied, "I will be," and jumped out the window!

My cousin said being gay was such a pain in the ass and I asked him why and I said, "Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, I get made fun of." and I said, "Why? Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, turd." Then I said, "Wow, at least I'm not the one with real pains in my ass, bro."