My jokes

My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.

One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.

My dad and I were fishing one day.

That’s where he met my stepmom.

A teacher says, "If you have one dollar and your parents give you 5 dollars, how much do you have?"

Everyone raised their hands except for a little girl in the front, but the teacher called on her anyway.

The girl said, "My parents left me, so I would have one dollar."

A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie!

I was in a motivational seminar about depression the other day, and she said I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind to it. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it, even if it's messy.

"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.

“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.

My wife made electric eel for supper. I was shocked!

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

Guys, help! I need advice to confess to my crush. I'm being for real right now, guys, help!

My friend had an allergic reaction after he ate a peanut.

We got his EpiPen to help him when Penaldo appeared because he heard the word "PEN". He tried stealing the pen, but I said, "No pens for you," and "Brentford". He cried and ran away. Shame on you, Penaldo the fraud!

Hey, my grandfather was part of WWII. Yeah. He killed Hitler!

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas.

He said it was the most violent book he ever read.

You look nice, and you seem like good fun, so if I give you this flower, will you finger my bum?

All these jokes really hijacking my mind.

There was a little kid crying in the park today. I asked him where his parents were. Now I realize, man, I love my job.

Come, my children, to the bread cult!

Don't you just hate it when your grandmas always complaining about things getting stuck between her false teeth, like my foreskin?

Ever seen the show Naked and Afraid? That’s what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.

My mom tells me and my sister to stop fighting. "Mom! You and Dad need to stop!"

"You raise me up to stand on mountains," said the dwarf pornstar on my penis.