My jokes

My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."

She died in a fire.

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

Call me a worn-out sweater because I’m hanging on by a thread.

That’s about to become a rope around my neck.

One time my dad was an orphan, so I questioned where he learned to parent.

My daughter has been writing letters asking Satan for gifts. Imagine my shock when I realized she has dyslexia.

You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.

I like my women how I like my scotch: 11 years old and mixed with Coke.

The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."

What’s the similarities between a pillow and your mom?

They’re both in my bed.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday, which sucks because I wanted her to flow further down.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when I push my autistic brother down the stairs.

My great grandfather died in 9/11.

He was such a good pilot.

I will remember my biker buddy's last words: "Why did you cut in front of me?"

A scarecrow said this job isn't for everyone.

But hay! It's in my jeans!

My grief counselor died just the other day.

He was so good though, I didn't care.

My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!

*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*

"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"

I asked my lab partner for sodium hypobromate, but he said, "Na Br O."

My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...

So I threw a coconut at her.

my therapist told me that time heals wounds i stabbed him now we wait

Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night, she’s back in bed.