My jokes

Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake, but it ended up fulfilling the 5-year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.

My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.

Religious mom: FINALLY!

Me: Grabs a noose.

Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?

"I finished my job."

What about me?

in can re;ate to this its always going through my mind

John and Chloe are in school arguing about who has the more heroic grandfather.

Chloe says, "My grandfather killed 50 Nazis, he's so heroic!"

John says, "So what? My grandfather KILLED Hitler!"

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-

My mom tells me to stop with the suicide jokes, and I replied with, "It's not that deep."

Me: Good night, everyone.

My friends and family: Night.

Me: *gets in coffin*

My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?

My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.

For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

My math teacher asked me what a liked term was. I told her I couldn't say, never experienced it.

My fish died, and I didn't do anything. I just took my fish for a walk.

I learned my dad got into a car crash this morning.

And my driver's license got revoked too.

My homework was to watch as much porn as I can... and tell my teacher the details so he won't get in trouble for watching it during class.

My wife said I had no sense of direction... so I packed my sh*t and left.

They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.

Ever seen the show Naked and Afraid? That’s what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.

My mom tells me and my sister to stop fighting. "Mom! You and Dad need to stop!"

A teacher says, "If you have one dollar and your parents give you 5 dollars, how much do you have?"

Everyone raised their hands except for a little girl in the front, but the teacher called on her anyway.

The girl said, "My parents left me, so I would have one dollar."

Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."

(demons in my head) I laugh to meet them...