My Jokes

What did Adam say when he saw Eve?

Answer: "Woman!"

Do you want to buy my Hoover?

I mean... it's just collecting dust.

I will remember my biker buddy's last words: "Why did you cut in front of me?"

I asked my lab partner for sodium hypobromate, but he said, "Na Br O."

A scarecrow said this job isn't for everyone.

But hay! It's in my jeans!

The image is a split panel. The top part shows a conversation in the game Among Us between an orange character named Seby, who says "The impostor is pretty good," and a green character named Tv, who says, "Thx". The lower part of the image shows a still from a movie with the character Seby on the left, and the character Tv in the background. The text on the bottom says, "In case you haven't noticed, you've fallen right into my trap."

My grief counselor died just the other day.

He was so good though, I didn't care.

Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night, she’s back in bed.

My grandpa said, "You kids rely on too much electronics." I said, well we will see about that. *unplugging life support* me: *oops*

My dad died in 9/11.

He was the best pilot I ever knew.

my therapist told me that time heals wounds i stabbed him now we wait

My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.

What a weird way to start a conversation!

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”

And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.

My grandpa is a great hero. He's the one who shot Hitler.

I had a cake for my gender reveal party. I cut it, and the inside was yellow...

My dad died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

My mum said take out the trash, so I took my sister.

Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”

What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?

My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine! Lol.