My jokes

What did Trump say to Epstein? "I like my tea like I like my teens: warm, sweet, and freshly made."

Ever seen the show Naked and Afraid? That’s what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.

My mom tells me and my sister to stop fighting. "Mom! You and Dad need to stop!"

"You raise me up to stand on mountains," said the dwarf pornstar on my penis.

Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake, but it ended up fulfilling the 5-year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.

I know the voices in my head aren't real, but man, do they have some good ideas.

One day my mom told me to take out the trash, and I did. The next day, mom asked me, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "A garbage truck took her." Mom started running to try and get the truck before it left.

My mom asked me if I was okay, so I replied, "I will be," and jumped out the window!

What's the difference between me and my pencil sharpeners? Nothing, we're both broken.

Why can't orphans go to the hospital? Because it is a family hospital. Sorry for the long break in between my jokes. I just had some family stuff, but I am back.

when you see a depressed kid, you walk up and say "wassup my lil barcode"

TEST QUESTION: what looks like half an apple?

My cousin: the other half.

I have an exam next week, so I called my ex and asked if she had any cheating tips.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's my tractor?!"

My name is Ethan, and I don't find this funny.

Person 1: “Hey, today was great!”

Person 2: “What happened?”

Person 1: “I ran into my ex today.”

Person 2: “What’s so great about that?”

Person 1: “I was in my car.”

I hope Stephen Hawking's an organ donor because I need new parts for my go-cart.

My cousin said being gay was such a pain in the ass and I asked him why and I said, "Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, I get made fun of." and I said, "Why? Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, turd." Then I said, "Wow, at least I'm not the one with real pains in my ass, bro."

A scarecrow said this job isn't for everyone.

But hay! It's in my jeans!

Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."