My jokes

After an intense workout, I finally have the body I've always dreamed of.

It's in my basement.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when I push my autistic brother down the stairs.

What’s the similarities between a pillow and your mom?

They’re both in my bed.

My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...

So I threw a coconut at her.

My science teacher asked me what is found inside cells.

I guess "blacks" wasn't the right answer.

I was diagnosed with a terminal disease. The doctor says my days are numbered.

Now I'm terrified of airports.

I used to think that I had a Japanese friend, but it was just my imagi-asian.

What’s something you can say about vacation, but not about your girlfriend?

Next time I’m bringing all my friends.

I got, I got, I got royalty inside my penis, or however the song goes.

I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.

My girlfriend went to the doctor for a broken arm, and they told her it should be better in about two months. I asked her what they said. She said, "It should be better in about two months." I then asked her, "What did the dentist say?"

I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"

my therapist told me that time heals wounds i stabbed him now we wait

Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night, she’s back in bed.

I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’

I hope you know CPR, because you are taking my breath away!

My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.

Religious mom: FINALLY!

Me: Grabs a noose.

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.

I like my women how I like my scotch: 11 years old and mixed with Coke.

One time my dad was an orphan, so I questioned where he learned to parent.