My jokes

I’m happy to be with my EA when I go to school.

My girlfriend called me a pedophile, I said that's a big word for a seven year old.

Can we stop talking about 9/11? I lost my dad in it.

He was a great pilot.

I would make a joke about your mom, but cows are sacred in my country.

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.

Roses are red, violets are blue, my heart is dead, I'm such a fool. -Juice Wrld

What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.

Me to my friend: I only date suicidal girls.

My friend: Why?

Me: Because that pussy is limited edition.

Don’t cry when you attend my funeral, I was dead long ago so why cry now?

My grandpa personally killed 3 German pilots. He was the worst mechanic Luftwaffe had.

How many babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

More than 10, since my basement's still dark.

My mother was suffering from menstrual pain. So I fucked her for 7 hours to ease her pain. I continued to do so for the next 6 days. Even after fucking her 51 times during her 7-day period, I fucked her 5-6 times a day for the next three months and stopped her period for 9 months! Only her son can understand and ease the pain of a mother.

My 2 year old Asian baby cant do calculus Look who in sweatshop now

My dad told me that his dreams were shattered a few years ago.

Then I asked him how many years ago.

He replied with, "When were you born?"

I like my women like how I like my cocaine, smuggled and cut clean.

I like my women how I like my fridge.

In the kitchen.

I like my women like I like my microwaves.

Hot, ready to go when I am, and able to kill any baby I put in her.

I was walking down Main Street when I saw a child.

I told him, "I will give you 20$ if you get my balls back from the vet."

He replied, "Why did they take your balls sir?"

"Beer plus going to the vet does not work well for everybody, especially when you're a furry."

So my sister was eating Now&Laters, and I continuously heard smacking sounds. So I told her, "Can you stop smacking? It's annoying." Then she said, "I can't, it's a juicy type of candy." So I said, "I can stop the candies from making that sound." Then she said, "How?" So I smacked her. :)

A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him, "Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude." The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it.

The genie says, "This is your last wish so really make this one count." The guy says, "Well, I've always wanted to drive out to the Hawaiian islands, because airplanes scare me to death, so I would want a highway that could stretch from here all the way to the islands." The Genie says, "That is asking for quite a lot and I'm not sure if I can pull that off, is there anything else you'd want?" The guy says, "Well, I've been married and divorced three times, and I just can't understand what I've been doing wrong. I've given my ex-wives all the love and care that I could, but in the end it was never enough. I would want to have the ability to understand women." The genie thinks for a few moments and says, "Do you want a three or four lane highway?"