My Jokes

Mom told me to get more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car.

What did the female rapist say at her hearing?

"Well that boy's dick was inside me and you know what you metoo people say, 'my body my choice.'"

My cousin is in a wheelchair and wanted to battle.

So I went up a step and said, "It's over Anakin, I have the high ground!"

I will never forget my grandpa's last words: "You still holding the ladder, son?"

My friend said, "Why do you have depression? There is so much happiness in the world." And I said, "Why do you have asthma? There is so much air in the world."

HOLD UP

A chat conversation between two people. One person asks not to make 9/11 memes because their dad died in 9/11. The other person apologizes. Then, the first person says their dad was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia. Below the chat is an image of a cartoon figure with the text "hold up".

I like my women the way I like my sandwiches... A little meat between their buns.

What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?

I take my boots off before jumping on a trampoline.

How did the burglar get into my house?

Intruder window.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Joe mama so fat, she could not walk the stairs of heaven.

Credits: to my friend.

So, I took a poop outside. When I was done, I wiped and got it on my finger. After that, I had Nutella, and I thought the poop on my hand was Nutella, and I licked it. I said, "Daddy chill, what in the heck is this crap?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Me: Are you okay?

Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out," I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you... You have my Word.

What do my parents have in common with Nemo? They can't be found.

There are 206 bones in my body.

When I look at you, it becomes 207.

A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." "What do you expect?" he says, "You're in a fucking wheelchair!"