My jokes

I want to die in my sleep, like grandpa did, not screaming and crying like the people on the bus he drove.

My father left me at a young age.

He was only five.

These two cannibals are sitting by the campfire having dinner. One says, "I can't stand my mother-in-law." The other says, "So, just eat the potatoes."

I will always remember my dad's last words....

"15 dollars and I'll jump."

What's red, 6 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I feed it to her?

Her miscarriage.

I just finished my fourth round of baby back ribs. For some reason, everyone else at the abortion center is staring at me.

Why the f was my shooting joke removed? It was funny, and this is obviously a website for morbid humor. WTF, I mean, worstjokesever.com. Come on...

I like my women like I like my wine: 12 years in a basement.

My grandpa said I was too reliant on technology when he saw me on my phone. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

My sisters ask me, "Are you really a virgin?" I say, "That's nun of your business!"

I wish I didn't have depression because all my friends have "BBC Bitch be crazy" disease.

I will never forget my girlfriend's last words... "Get off of me! STOP!" *slurp*... Dead.

When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm stroking my dick and thinking of you.

My friend made this joke (so I’m going steal it). I’m surrounded by fat people, oh wait... it’s just one.

Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."

The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"

One day, there were two muffins in an oven. One of the muffins said, "Man, it's hot in here." The other one said, "Oh my god! A talking muffin!!!"

My mum's a carrot.

What's the difference between an American school and a shooting range?

My dick doesn't get hard at the shooting range.

"And then I said, \"Knife to meet you.\""

"You stabbed my brother!"

"It's okay, I'm in stable condition!"