My jokes
I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
Me: Doctor, can I get a new butt? My old one has a crack in it.
Doctor: I told you a billion times already. Everyone's butt has a crack in it.
Me: How do you know that?
My girlfriend gave me the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.
When you say, "I wish I could cut off these bumps on my neck." (Your mom walking to you with a knife.)
Explain Bear is my favorite.
My best friend was recently gunned down in a drive-by shooting and died a virgin, but he wasn’t buried one.
Was busy robbing a house as quietly as possible and saw a woman catching me in the act, decided to get her in on the act and gave away my location from the noise.
What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?
Both are thinking, “Oh no! My mom’s gonna kill me!”
One of my students asks, "Can I have a bookmark?"
A year of school and they still don't know my name is Danny.
Lol, I keep stealing my dad's medication money, and the best part is he never remembers.
Wanna touch my shirt? It's made of boyfriend/girlfriend/partner material.
Alright, my sister is ALWAYS dancing randomly all the time, and what I say is, "Go get you boyfriend, dude!"
A school shooter enters a kindergarten classroom. Little Timmy says, “He’s my daddy!”
The teacher, Mr. Mortez, screams. Little Timmy then says, “Mr. Mortez, my daddy says you’re a big fat whale and he wants to roll you all the way to Canada!” *pushes Mr. Mortez* Little Timmy says, “Hail f**king Canada!”
I used to think all Americans were racist.
Now I've changed my mind. They DID elect an orange president.
You’ve got something on your face. Wait, no, it’s just missing something. My dick.
My dad died in the attacks. He was the best pilot for Pakistan.
My dad owns a countertop store and sometimes he'll barter.
A lot of the time he will take things for granite.
A lot of counter-offers were made.
Celebrating Mother's Day is confusing, says my cousin.
My ex keeps missing me. But her aim is steadily improving...