My jokes

I call my sister a "fat cow," and she asks me, "Want to hear a joke?" I say, "Sure." She says, "You are the joke!"

My daughter is super smart! She pours her own drinks on the floor.

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.

A man wakes up in the hospital and says, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"

"Of course," the doctor says. "I amputated your arms."

Guess what I got from my uncle this Christmas? Herpes.

My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait.

Someone locked me out of my house today... At least the children in my basement aren't my problem anymore.

Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.

That made my father very mad, as we didn't have a fireplace.

So my best friend’s boyfriend broke up with her, and she started to cry.

So I told her a ‘single’ joke. Then she said, "Go and f***ing die, you insensitive bitch!"

I later said, "Ugh, fine, as your BFF I will break his body for you. Happy now?"

She said, "Sniff, yes."

So my mom said, "Did you do your homework?" Well, I say yes, and in the hour, I yelled, "This is fake, not real!" 😅😅😅

Daddy, I really miss you. Mummy changed my name to Tickle Timpson. Anyway, daddy I forgive you for abusing me.

I find it best to screw people with memory loss. I mean, what's my grandma gonna do? Describe me to the cops?

Over summer, I shot up my school and left a note saying, "I could have done this anytime!"

Some dude: Water you thinking?

Me: You're drowning in my head.

I told my sister to make a noise and hear what she said... "Cuckoo coo chew." #Owl🦉

One time I broke a leg and I was using a wheelchair.

My parents thought I was a disappointment and put me up on eBay, the Ohioan Black Market, and the nearest adoption center.

Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?

My friend: To get to the other side?

Me: No, to get to the idiot's house.

My friend: Oh.

Me: Knock knock.

My friend: Who's there?

Me: The chicken.

Kid's uncle: "Your mum said you can have your friends round tonight! But I'm gonna have to baby sit today."

Kid: "OK THANK YOU."

(AT BED TIME)

Kid: "Please may you stop touching my leg BEN!"

Ben: "I'm not."

(Turns light on) Kid: "UNCLEEEEE STOP SPILLING MILK OVER ME!!!"

Yo mama so stupid, she said, "Where are my gifts?" on Father's Day.

A goat drank my Red Bull, so now it's a Baphomet!