My jokes

My friend made this joke (so I’m going steal it). I’m surrounded by fat people, oh wait... it’s just one.

When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.

Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."

The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"

What's the difference between an American school and a shooting range?

My dick doesn't get hard at the shooting range.

One day, there were two muffins in an oven. One of the muffins said, "Man, it's hot in here." The other one said, "Oh my god! A talking muffin!!!"

"And then I said, \"Knife to meet you.\""

"You stabbed my brother!"

"It's okay, I'm in stable condition!"

My mum's a carrot.

My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."

I decided to take my mother-in-law out the other day. I love being a hitman.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I've got a bouquet in my pants for you.

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-

My mom tells me to stop with the suicide jokes, and I replied with, "It's not that deep."

in can re;ate to this its always going through my mind

John and Chloe are in school arguing about who has the more heroic grandfather.

Chloe says, "My grandfather killed 50 Nazis, he's so heroic!"

John says, "So what? My grandfather KILLED Hitler!"

Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?

"I finished my job."

What about me?

Don't you just hate it when your grandmas always complaining about things getting stuck between her false teeth, like my foreskin?

My son, who is into astronomy, asked me how stars die. I said, "Usually from an overdose."

What did Trump say to Epstein? "I like my tea like I like my teens: warm, sweet, and freshly made."

"You raise me up to stand on mountains," said the dwarf pornstar on my penis.

What's the difference between me and my pencil sharpeners? Nothing, we're both broken.