My Jokes

One day I was walking around, then saw this mom mad at her kid and screamed, "You're adopted!" He said, "Yeah, I know. My REAL mommy is still at home with daddy."

I'm not racist, my best friends are black for Halloween. :)

My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.

My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!

Remember what one of my gay friends told me: it's only cannibalism if you swallow.

My dream:

The image shows a text conversation between "My friend" and an unnamed person and then the description of the unnamed person's dream. The first part of the image says, "My friend: - I had a dream about my crush today! - And you?" The second part of the image shows a close-up of a Black man with wide eyes and his mouth open, wearing a white shirt with red stains. A cat with a grumpy face is visible in the center of the man's chest.

Hey, I know this is a classic joke but I found it pretty funny!

"My name is 4, four like the number," my friend said. "What, was 1 2 3 taken?"

I can even with it but I was bored and decided to share this.

I got fired from my job today at a banana factory. They said to throw away the bad ones, so I threw away the bent ones.

One day I got home and told my girlfriend, "I cheated on you." She replied with, "F**k you!" I then said, "But you won't, that's why I cheated on you."

My hair strainer is hotter than you.

There is nothing funnier than my life. (Evan 2020)

Teacher: "I'm sorry, but you got a 74 on the test."

Quiet Kid: "I'll show you my own 74."

Classroom: *visible panic*

Person: I broke my arm in three places.

Doctor: Well, don't go to those three places then.

Grew up playing Fruit Ninja on my iPad. Spent time with my online sister playing multiplayer.

Now I play it in school with an awesome small steel blade.

I’m not allowed my phone during school hours and I have to give it in at the start of the day...

Son: Dad, I had sex for the first time.

Dad: Would you like to talk about it?

Son: Sure.

Dad: Sit down and let's talk about it.

Son: I can't, my butt hurts.

My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.

My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"

I like my women the way I like my coffee, and I don't drink coffee.

I was in the mood for some dark meat, so I called my black friend.

My dad went out for milk. It's been 15 years and I still have to eat my cereal dry.

I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!