My jokes

Ninety percent of your beauty can be removed with a Kleenex.

Oh, were you talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.

Hold still, I am trying to imagine you with a personality.

Did anyone get my joke? It probably flew over your heads, oops I meant through.

My poem, roses are red, violets are blue. I will die very soon. 🔪

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.

I was making sandcastles with my Nan, then my mum came in the room and took away the urn.

My mom said she will slam my head into my computer if I don't get off it. I'm not too worried though, I think she is just joking.

I wish my lawn was emo. Then it would cut itself.

The teacher asked, "Why are you in school on a Saturday?"

I told her my mum told me to go to hell.

what's black and red and is a liquid?

my scars!

So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.

When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.

"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.

Then it clicked.

"Ah, so that's how you died."

A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.

"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.

"Denise."

"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"

"Tom Junior."

So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."

1 like = 1 more child in my fryer.

What do you call a kid who's been kidnapped?

Well, her name's Sally, so I guess... Sally. My main concern is getting her out of the freezer.

I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."

What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass.

I heard that my crush got kicked in the balls and when I thought of it...

One day I was walking around, then saw this mom mad at her kid and screamed, "You're adopted!" He said, "Yeah, I know. My REAL mommy is still at home with daddy."

Grew up playing Fruit Ninja on my iPad. Spent time with my online sister playing multiplayer.

Now I play it in school with an awesome small steel blade.

I’m not allowed my phone during school hours and I have to give it in at the start of the day...

My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.