My jokes

My grandpa unplugged the AC, so I unplugged his life support.

I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...

Me and my wife were out at dinner. Me being 48 and her being 19, people were screaming at us and calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

Everyone in my class: "I can't wait until I have a family, I can't wait to study for my dream job."

My friends: "What's your dream job?"

Me: "I'm going to die young :))"

So, I tell my friend a pun about Bach. She freaks out. Then I say, "I hope that wasn't too much to Handel. Don't let it Strauss you out."

For all of my musicians out there!

I’ll never forget my father’s last words...

Oh fuck, it’s a bus!

I had a dog with an eating disorder.

He wouldn’t eat any of my homework.

Bippity Boppity, I'm gonna shoot you off my property!

I've been trying to find jokes about gouging my eyes out, but I couldn't see any.

My dad told me to do what he did best, so I left.

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car, then didn't talk to her for the rest of the day for no reason.

I had sex with my boss's daughter.

I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with you parents soon." He said, "My parents died." I said, "I know...." I went for the cliffs.

Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?

I don't put my dick in a sandwich before I eat it.

My bitch as flat as her grannie's heartbeat.

I'm going to draw a picture. A picture with a twist. I'll draw it with a razor blade. I'll draw it on my wrist.

"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing, unless you're at a funeral.

My girlfriend is like treasure to me.

You need a shovel to find her.

My mother didn't want me to love my sister. That made me angry. But then, one day I found this quote: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." Since that day, I fuck my sister hard and my MOM harder!