My jokes

I had sex with my boss's daughter.

I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.

My dad told me to do what he did best, so I left.

Bippity Boppity, I'm gonna shoot you off my property!

Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!

What does a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus have in common? They're both thinking; "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me!"

Some girl just walks into my 6th period geography class. The first thing I think is, "Oh shit! It's mini Regina George without titties!"

My wife called me a pedo. That's a big word for a 6 year old.

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car, then didn't talk to her for the rest of the day for no reason.

I was crying when my dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

My sister told me a joke.

All she said was "my life."

A favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, that is until my mom took the urn away from me.

I bought my cousin a trampoline, she started crying. She was in a wheelchair.

Me: brags about my 30 kill streak.

The jury: O.o

doctor: you need to eat healthy.

me: no.

doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.

me: oh my goodness.

doctor: in a plane crash.

me: that sounds unrelated.

doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!

My life is the joke.

Crispy, Juicy, Tender, I just put my new-born son in a blender.

POV: Someone stole Michael Jackson's baby: "He he stole my bab(y), he he."

"This morning, I came out my front door to see my neighbor frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray-painted on his front window."

"What's been going on, John?" I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

The dirty bastard!

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."

I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...