My jokes

Crispy, Juicy, Tender, I just put my new-born son in a blender.

Me and my wife were out at dinner. Me being 48 and her being 19, people were screaming at us and calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

So, I tell my friend a pun about Bach. She freaks out. Then I say, "I hope that wasn't too much to Handel. Don't let it Strauss you out."

For all of my musicians out there!

I had a dog with an eating disorder.

He wouldn’t eat any of my homework.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words...

Oh fuck, it’s a bus!

Bippity Boppity, I'm gonna shoot you off my property!

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let’s make this interesting."

So we stopped playing chess.

Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!

I had sex with my boss's daughter.

I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with you parents soon." He said, "My parents died." I said, "I know...." I went for the cliffs.

Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.

I'm not racist, my best friends are black for Halloween. :)

What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?

I don't put my dick in a sandwich before I eat it.

My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.

My principal called my mom at school and said, "You should teach your son well." After coming back home, at first she taught me sex!

I'm going to draw a picture. A picture with a twist. I'll draw it with a razor blade. I'll draw it on my wrist.

"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing, unless you're at a funeral.

My girlfriend is like treasure to me.

You need a shovel to find her.

I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.

Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.

It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.

Why did Susie get cut from the soccer team? She has no legs!

Who broke into my house by kicking down my door? Not Susie... But she still is in my basement, since she can't run!