My jokes

Drunk

    • A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.

    Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'

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    • Cut

    • One day I walk up to an emo kid. I realized he had a fresh cut, so I grab my hand and slap his wrist and told him, "I like ya cut, G!"

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    • Garden

    • I found a chest of gold in my garden the other day. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

    Then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.

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    • Vagina

    • Your mum's vagina is so ravenous, that last night we both ended up on the living room floor, with her on top. She was eating my creamy young face off.

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    • Fat

    • Friend texting fat boy: I know you're on the group chat. I can see you looking at my texts.

    Me: I can only see fat.

    My memes

    Hand

    • It's weird being an autistic eugenicist.

    On one hand I want pussy and on the other hand I don't wanna pollute the white race with my genetic filth.

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    • Baby

    • How many dead babies does it take to clean my refrigerator?.....it gotta be more than 4 because the fridge is still dirty.

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    • Pickpocket

    • Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad.

    The three men broke into a conversation. The topic eventually reached the men's jobs, and why they were at the beach.

    "I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All year long I toil in the sun in very heavy clothes, so this seemed like the perfect vacation for me. If I can relax and do it naked, that's a win-win."

    "I'm an accountant," said the second man. "I just like how everyone here is dressed exactly the same."

    The first two men turned to the third, sad man. "What do you do?" they asked.

    "I'm a pickpocket," said the third man. "My doctor sent me here."

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    • Poop

    • Jeffy: "Daddy, Daddy, a monster said it’s gonna poop in your hat!"

    Marvin: "I don’t believe that."

    Jeffy: "But he said, 'Jeffy, I’m gonna poop in your Daddy’s hat!'"

    The next morning,

    Jeffy: "Daddy, a monster pooped in your hat!"

    *Marvin/Mario looks in his hat*

    Marvin: "Jeffy, I don’t believe you, you pooped in my hat!"

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    • Star

    • My son, who is into astronomy, asked me how stars die. I said, "Usually from an overdose."

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    • Plumber

    • Couldn't believe how much of a bad mood my work mate was in this morning. So I decided to ask him what was the matter and if everything was OK with his wife, Flo.

    He then broke down crying and said when he got home the night before, he caught his wife in bed with the plumber. I tried to console him as best as I could, but he just couldn't get over flow.

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    • Incest

    • how old are my girlfriends

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjBTsoYph48 oh and there my little sisters

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