My jokes

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."

Me and my wife were out at dinner. Me being 48 and her being 19, people were screaming at us and calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

Some girl just walks into my 6th period geography class. The first thing I think is, "Oh shit! It's mini Regina George without titties!"

What does a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus have in common? They're both thinking; "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me!"

A favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, that is until my mom took the urn away from me.

I bought my cousin a trampoline, she started crying. She was in a wheelchair.

My life is the joke.

Crispy, Juicy, Tender, I just put my new-born son in a blender.

I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...

Everyone in my class: "I can't wait until I have a family, I can't wait to study for my dream job."

My friends: "What's your dream job?"

Me: "I'm going to die young :))"

My grandpa unplugged the AC, so I unplugged his life support.

I had a dog with an eating disorder.

He wouldn’t eat any of my homework.

So, I tell my friend a pun about Bach. She freaks out. Then I say, "I hope that wasn't too much to Handel. Don't let it Strauss you out."

For all of my musicians out there!

I’ll never forget my father’s last words...

Oh fuck, it’s a bus!

Bippity Boppity, I'm gonna shoot you off my property!

My dad told me to do what he did best, so I left.

My sister told me a joke.

All she said was "my life."

I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.

So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!

"This morning, I came out my front door to see my neighbor frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray-painted on his front window."

"What's been going on, John?" I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

The dirty bastard!

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with you parents soon." He said, "My parents died." I said, "I know...." I went for the cliffs.