My jokes
My wife called me a pedo. That's a big word for a 6 year old.
POV: Someone stole Michael Jackson's baby: "He he stole my bab(y), he he."
Crispy, Juicy, Tender, I just put my new-born son in a blender.
Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.
When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"
I said, "I shit you not."
"This morning, I came out my front door to see my neighbor frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray-painted on his front window."
"What's been going on, John?" I asked.
"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.
The dirty bastard!
me calling my friend to play roblox
My grandpa unplugged the AC, so I unplugged his life support.
Everyone in my class: "I can't wait until I have a family, I can't wait to study for my dream job."
My friends: "What's your dream job?"
Me: "I'm going to die young :))"
I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...
Bippity Boppity, I'm gonna shoot you off my property!
Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!
My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.
I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.
I had sex with my boss's daughter.
I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.
I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome. I told my mom I wanted my first time to be special.
My mom was 19 when she was pregnant with me, My mom was 39 when she was pregnant by me!!!
My sister told me a joke.
All she said was "my life."
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car, then didn't talk to her for the rest of the day for no reason.
My dad told me to do what he did best, so I left.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words...
Oh fuck, it’s a bus!
I had a dog with an eating disorder.
He wouldn’t eat any of my homework.
So, I tell my friend a pun about Bach. She freaks out. Then I say, "I hope that wasn't too much to Handel. Don't let it Strauss you out."
For all of my musicians out there!