My Jokes

I was happy for once, and my family was happy I was happy, but that all changed when they found out I was thinking about bridges and humans.

Guys, this is so wrong. I'm an orphan and this extremely offends me. I'm telling my parents, um.......

What does my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.

I was going to tell my dad a joke, but he still hasn't come back with the milk yet.

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

The image shows a four-panel grid of Kermit the Frog in different states. In the first panel, he's sitting on a log fishing. In the second, he's sitting on a rock, looking thoughtful. In the third, he's leaning against a post. In the fourth, he's looking out a window on a rainy day. The text "that's how my whole year gone" is overlaid at the top of the grid.

My teacher: If you could go anywhere, where would you go?

Me: Demon Slayer.

My teacher: Why?

The quiet kid: TO GET EATEN BY A DEMON OR BECOME ONE!!!

My dad is so good at instruments, he said he loves to finger "a minor."

I was in a haunted house today. Nothing scared me until I reached the last room, where I saw the scariest Halloween ghost I've ever seen. He took my pens and ghosted. I was told that I saw Pristiano Penaldo and I was lucky enough to see him because he performs once in a blue moon.

Your teeth are so spread out my mom can drive her car through the gap in your teeth.

I was tickling my step brother's balls, and then it hit me: why is he laughing?

I was playing football with my friends, and I got tackled and got a penalty. Suddenly, the ground started shaking, and Penaldo emerged from the mud. He took the penalty, but since it wasn't Andorra, he missed. Shame on you, Penaldo!

Fatty told Skinny, "Do you have any food? My stomach is empty and I haven't eaten."

Skinny replied to Fatty, "Well, doesn't seem like you need food, you ate the whole universe instead!"

I like my women like I like my wine. 16 years old and locked in a basement.

Hickory dickory dock. My wife avoids my cock. She's losing her and having an affair. So I had to slap Chris Rock.

My therapist once said, "time heals all wounds." So I stabbed him. Now we wait...

My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.

My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.

Advertisement: "What's in your wallet?"

Me: "The same amount of money as there is my will to live... ;_)"

Once I tried to tell my friend a joke about dead people... but it went six feet underground...

I asked my mom what is dark humor. She said "see them boy over there in the wheelchair, ask him to walk." I said, "but I’m blind." She responded, "Exactly."