My jokes

What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass.

I heard that my crush got kicked in the balls and when I thought of it...

One day I was walking around, then saw this mom mad at her kid and screamed, "You're adopted!" He said, "Yeah, I know. My REAL mommy is still at home with daddy."

My autistic son hates taking baths or showers.

I don’t blame him, I don’t like soggy vegetables either.

I only got one question wrong on my biology test yesterday.

The question was, "What is most commonly found in a cell?"

Apparently, "Black People" wasn't the right answer.

Grew up playing Fruit Ninja on my iPad. Spent time with my online sister playing multiplayer.

Now I play it in school with an awesome small steel blade.

I’m not allowed my phone during school hours and I have to give it in at the start of the day...

My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.

I got fired from my job today at a banana factory. They said to throw away the bad ones, so I threw away the bent ones.

My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!

Hey, I know this is a classic joke but I found it pretty funny!

"My name is 4, four like the number," my friend said. "What, was 1 2 3 taken?"

I can even with it but I was bored and decided to share this.

Remember what one of my gay friends told me: it's only cannibalism if you swallow.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I fucked a chimpanzee behind my local zoo.

One day I got home and told my girlfriend, "I cheated on you." She replied with, "F**k you!" I then said, "But you won't, that's why I cheated on you."

My hair strainer is hotter than you.

Teacher: "I'm sorry, but you got a 74 on the test."

Quiet Kid: "I'll show you my own 74."

Classroom: *visible panic*

There is nothing funnier than my life. (Evan 2020)

Person: I broke my arm in three places.

Doctor: Well, don't go to those three places then.

My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.

My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."

I hooked up with my German girlfriend. It was really distracting when she kept saying her age.