My jokes

I was making sandcastles with my Nan, then my mum came in the room and took away the urn.

I wish my lawn was emo. Then it would cut itself.

I'll never forget my grandpa's last words.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

My mom said she will slam my head into my computer if I don't get off it. I'm not too worried though, I think she is just joking.

A man comes home and hears his wife talking about having sex at the club. The man busts into the club with a revolver and says, "WHO TF FUCKED MY WIFE?" Well, everyone looks over and is quiet, and someone in the back says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets."

The teacher asked, "Why are you in school on a Saturday?"

I told her my mum told me to go to hell.

what's black and red and is a liquid?

my scars!

So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.

When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.

"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.

Then it clicked.

"Ah, so that's how you died."

What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass.

I'm telling my kids that in 2020 I survived world war 3, the zombie apocalypse, the invasion of the murder hornets, and the second American revolution.

So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."

1 like = 1 more child in my fryer.

What do you call a kid who's been kidnapped?

Well, her name's Sally, so I guess... Sally. My main concern is getting her out of the freezer.

I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.

There is nothing funnier than my life. (Evan 2020)

Teacher: "I'm sorry, but you got a 74 on the test."

Quiet Kid: "I'll show you my own 74."

Classroom: *visible panic*

I've been trying to find jokes about gouging my eyes out, but I couldn't see any.

Person: I broke my arm in three places.

Doctor: Well, don't go to those three places then.