My jokes

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.

An emo kid walked to me holding a rope, and asked: "Do you want to join my family tree?"

My mom said she will slam my head into my computer if I don't get off it. I'm not too worried though, I think she is just joking.

A man comes home and hears his wife talking about having sex at the club. The man busts into the club with a revolver and says, "WHO TF FUCKED MY WIFE?" Well, everyone looks over and is quiet, and someone in the back says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets."

I wish my lawn was emo. Then it would cut itself.

I'll never forget my grandpa's last words.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

The teacher asked, "Why are you in school on a Saturday?"

I told her my mum told me to go to hell.

what's black and red and is a liquid?

my scars!

So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.

When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.

"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.

Then it clicked.

"Ah, so that's how you died."

What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass.

I'm telling my kids that in 2020 I survived world war 3, the zombie apocalypse, the invasion of the murder hornets, and the second American revolution.

So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."

Guys, we shouldn't make jokes about 9/11. My dad was a victim.

He was the best pilot in Arab.

1 like = 1 more child in my fryer.

What do you call a kid who's been kidnapped?

Well, her name's Sally, so I guess... Sally. My main concern is getting her out of the freezer.

I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.

So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!

My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed, but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.

I got fired from my job today at a banana factory. They said to throw away the bad ones, so I threw away the bent ones.