My jokes

I got fired from my job today at a banana factory. They said to throw away the bad ones, so I threw away the bent ones.

My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!

Hey, I know this is a classic joke but I found it pretty funny!

"My name is 4, four like the number," my friend said. "What, was 1 2 3 taken?"

I can even with it but I was bored and decided to share this.

Remember what one of my gay friends told me: it's only cannibalism if you swallow.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I fucked a chimpanzee behind my local zoo.

My mother was so sad after my grandpa's death, she went into the bathroom with my uncle, and I could hear their moans of sorrow. She then surprised me later on, saying that she was pregnant.

One day I got home and told my girlfriend, "I cheated on you." She replied with, "F**k you!" I then said, "But you won't, that's why I cheated on you."

My hair strainer is hotter than you.

Teacher: "I'm sorry, but you got a 74 on the test."

Quiet Kid: "I'll show you my own 74."

Classroom: *visible panic*

There is nothing funnier than my life. (Evan 2020)

Person: I broke my arm in three places.

Doctor: Well, don't go to those three places then.

My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."

I hooked up with my German girlfriend. It was really distracting when she kept saying her age.

Son: Dad, I had sex for the first time.

Dad: Would you like to talk about it?

Son: Sure.

Dad: Sit down and let's talk about it.

Son: I can't, my butt hurts.

I tried to high-five my emo friend, but he just left me hanging.

Help, my ADHD is so bad that not even I can focus in a concentration camp.

My dick was in the book of world records.

But then the librarian asked me to take it out.

I asked a kid at my work where his parents were. He started crying. Man, I don't know what I did. I'll ask another kid at the orphanage.

Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.

I said, "a smile."

They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.

My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.

Going to school is mandatory in this country.

Can you guess my plan?

My initials are K.M.C.

Which could also stand for "Kill Main Character".

Which I am planning to do in this book I’m writing.

I’m writing an autobiography.