My jokes

What do my clothes and a depressed person not have in common?

My clothes don't hang themselves...

Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

I woke up one night and it was really dark in my room. Then my TV started to float out the window. I said, "Drop it, nig-"

What is the difference between a baby and a trampoline?

I take off my boots when I jump on a trampoline.

A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.

"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.

"Denise."

"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"

"Tom Junior."

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.

I didn't want to interrupt her.

What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.

Named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I can say, “Get down, Syndrome!”

Roses are red, my blood is too. I see a lot when I lost you.

So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

My Llama's cousin sucks at going on vacation.

He just stands there; "I'll pack uhhhh...."

Today was a bad day. First, my ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.

"I hate when people make 9/11 jokes because my grandfather died during the Twin Tower attacks. He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia."

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.

Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".

My cock was in the book of world records...

The librarian told me to take it out.

Are you suicide? Because you are always on my mind.

My sister asked me what is dark humor. I asked what does a cannibal call a pregnant woman? "Kinder Surprise!"

My dad's the oldest, and when he was young, he shot my grandpa's balls off, but I thought about it. How does my dad have younger brothers?

I got caught masturbating in the bath by my mum!

I said, "Mum, I’ll wash it as hard and fast as I want!"