My jokes

Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

A man was asked by his 21 years old daughter, "Dad, how do you give a blowjob to a man that has a big dick?"

Her father replied, "Honey, you should have watched me last night. It was inside my mouth. Does it cycle now?"

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

What is the difference between a baby and a trampoline?

I take off my boots when I jump on a trampoline.

I woke up one night and it was really dark in my room. Then my TV started to float out the window. I said, "Drop it, nig-"

A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.

"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.

"Denise."

"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"

"Tom Junior."

Named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I can say, “Get down, Syndrome!”

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.

I didn't want to interrupt her.

What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.

So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

My Llama's cousin sucks at going on vacation.

He just stands there; "I'll pack uhhhh...."

"I hate when people make 9/11 jokes because my grandfather died during the Twin Tower attacks. He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia."

Today was a bad day. First, my ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.

Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".

My cock was in the book of world records...

The librarian told me to take it out.

Roses are red, my blood is too. I see a lot when I lost you.

My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.

My principal called my mom at school and said, "You should teach your son well." After coming back home, at first she taught me sex!

A blind woman told me I had a big penis yesterday.

I think she was pulling my leg.

Are you suicide? Because you are always on my mind.