My jokes

Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad. His dad said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's dad said, "That's Mr. Wiggles." Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom. Timmy's mom said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's mom said, "That's my garden." Timmy's mom said, "Don't look up." Timmy looked up. Timmy said, "What are those?" Timmy's mom said, "Those are her headlights." Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents. His parents said, "Don't look under the covers." Timmy looked under the covers. Timmy yelled, "MOMMY, MOMMY, MR. WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!"

I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.

When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"

I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."

Q: What’s the difference between me and you?

A: I’m not wasting my time reading this joke.

I like my cigars like I like my women: 7 years old and in a burlap sack from Cuba.

Ok, not really racist but still funny.

Francis Pope, Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and a little boy were on a falling airplane. There were 3 parachutes. Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps off the plane saying, “The world needs my leadership!” Barack Obama grabs a parachute and says, “I need to help make choices for our world,” so he jumps off the plane. At this point, the Pope and the little boy are on the plane. The Pope says to the boy, “take the last parachute, I am too old and I’m going to die soon one day.” The little boy says, “actually there are two, you see, Donald Trump took my backpack.”

My crush: "I cut 4 inches off my hair yesterday." Me: "So?" My crush: "4 inches is a lot!" Me: "Oh yeah?"

What do my clothes and a depressed person not have in common?

My clothes don't hang themselves...

Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

What is the difference between a baby and a trampoline?

I take off my boots when I jump on a trampoline.

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

I woke up one night and it was really dark in my room. Then my TV started to float out the window. I said, "Drop it, nig-"

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.

I didn't want to interrupt her.

Roses are red, my blood is too. I see a lot when I lost you.

Named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I can say, “Get down, Syndrome!”

So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

My Llama's cousin sucks at going on vacation.

He just stands there; "I'll pack uhhhh...."

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.

Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".

Today was a bad day. First, my ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.

"I hate when people make 9/11 jokes because my grandfather died during the Twin Tower attacks. He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia."

My cock was in the book of world records...

The librarian told me to take it out.