My jokes

The pie tasted weird today.

Then I realized that my mother likes cooking pie with human flesh from C town.

Whenever a woman files a rape accusation, it’s obviously fake. Even the cows at my farm are more likely, at least they aren’t flat.

My foot itches.

Dentist: Open up, sir.

Me: So... I hate my life, my family, my sisters, my dog, my cat, and I tried to take a bath with my toaster, but my dog took it. That's why I hate my dog. And my cat died trying to chew my rope; it choked... Yea.

Dentist: I... meant your mouth... so I can clean your teeth.

Me: :O Ohhhh, my bad.

Dentist: Do you need help??

Me: Yep.

Dentist: ...

Me: ....

My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.

Religious mom: FINALLY!

Me: Grabs a noose.

Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?

"I finished my job."

What about me?

Damn, that beat dropped harder than my grandma falling down the stairs.

My cousin’s friend spelled “racist” wrong and when my cousin showed me, the first thing I said to my cousin’s friend is “Go to Grammarly. They REALLY teach you spelling.”

You look like something I drew with my left hand.

You're so ugly that when you were born, your mother asked, "How does my little treasure look?", and the doctor replied, "I think we should bury it immediately."

Do you know what organ remains warm even after a woman dies?

My penis (or rather my neutron laser priming its firing sequence).

Don't turn the toaster sideways, worst mistake of my life.

My mom said my sister was an angel, but when I threw her out the window, she didn't fly.

I lit my girlfriend on fire. I guess you could say I ignited her fire.

I asked my girlfriend if we could try my rape fantasy last night. She said no. It was the best night of my life.

Are you my depression, because I’m falling for you?

I spy with my little eye something starting with, actually I have TWO normal eyes.

I had a very long dream that I was eating the most juiciest, tastiest meal I'd ever eaten in my life. Then when I woke up, my wife was gone.

Two boys were at a lake, and they went to a bush and saw a naked lady.

One ran away, the other one followed the one who ran and asked why he ran. The boy answered, "My mum told me if I saw a naked lady I would turn to stone. I ran away because I felt something get hard."

My mum said take out the trash, so I took my sister.