One day my friend said: "I want tacos from Katie's, you?" and I said no thanks and she left. I never saw her again. Today I remember that I saw her name on TV as one of the victims of suicide, then I remember her and my motto: "If I'm dying, you're dying with me, you got no choice." I NEVER ate tacos from Katie's again.
My Jokes
Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
My son asked for a swimming pool so I got him a ant 🐜🐜🐜 pool.
At weddings my mom always tells me I’m next. So I say the same to her, at funerals.
Me: Looks like a girl, sure as h3ll I don't sound like one.
Michael Jackson: Looks like a boy, sure as h3ll don't sound like one.
That [is] what we have i[n] commen, but if you mix up my gender I won't give a F about it. Michael Jackson not so much : )
You: Hey, Alexa, what is your gender?
Alexa: I identify as Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are...
Me: *hears it* And their pronouns are he/he.
I asked my French mate if he had a games console. He said, "Oui!"
I taught my dog how to play the trumpet on the London Underground over the weekend.
He went from Barking to Tooting in just under 20 minutes.
How did Michael Jackson challenge the victim's parents? "Then why won't you slap my face, because I'm bad?"
My sister bet me $100 that it was impossible for me to build a working car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!
I have to say my humor isn't the best, but I'll give this a go.
My science teacher always reminded us about kilometers per second. Now I want to kilometer per second.
You know those credit card inserters at Walgreens? I want to insert my credit card on my wrist.
I'll shut up now.
Ms. Katie: I heard about a Vegan baby.
Mom: Here’s your Happy Meal.
Ms. Katie: That’s not vegan, did you trick me?
Kids: Yeah!
Ms. Katie: That’s it, little baby Jimmy, I’m giving you shaking baby syndrome!
Mom: Please don’t hurt my son.
*Ms. Katie shakes Jimmy*
Mom: I’m secretly a cop, and you are arrested.
Someone in my class yelled "Jenga!" while watching a documentary about the Twin Towers.
What are the similarities between the twin towers and my ex?
They both went down on my dad.
Roses are red, the grass is greener, when I see you, I play with my wiener.
Wife: "Honey? What do you think about my teeth?"
Husband: "They remind me of stars... yellow and far apart."
I got an iPhone 14 for my brother? That was the best trade I ever made.
My friend dumped me, so I stole their wheelchair.
Have a guess who came crawling back?
I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!
I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.
