Mortality jokes

My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.

One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.

What's a dying person's least favorite app? TikTok.

My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."

She died in a fire.

God: You're gonna have 2 parents.

Orphan: Double it and give it to the next person.

Sometimes I get jealous when I see a gravestone.

What’s the best part about stage four cancer?

There’s no stage five.

I have a question: Does aging affect corpses, too?

Just asking to know if I still count as a pedophile or not!

Leave a man on a plane, and he flies for a day.

Throw a man off a plane, and he flies for the rest of his life.

Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.

The more suicidal people there are, the less suicidal people there are... Woah!

Doctor: I have bad news and really bad news.

Patient: What's the bad news?

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What's the really bad news?

Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday.

A man was walking with a young boy in the woods.

The boy looks at the man and says, "Mister, it's too dark and I'm getting scared."

The man replies with, "How do you think I feel? I have to come back alone!"

Did you know if you give a guy a plane ticket, he flies once, but if you push him out of a plane, he flies for the rest of his life.

Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?

So you can watch the expression on their face.

So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.

Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."

And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"

Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"

What's funny about dead baby jokes? - They never get old.

1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.

2: I'm dying, finally.

3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.

On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/

"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"

"To the morgue."

"What? But I’m not dead yet!"

"And we’re not there yet."

My dad and cancer go into a fight. I never saw my dad after that.

Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.