Preventing suicide is best done by committing it.
Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.
The more suicidal people there are, the less suicidal people there are... Woah!
Doctor: I have bad news and really bad news.
Patient: What's the bad news?
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What's the really bad news?
Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday.
A man was walking with a young boy in the woods.
The boy looks at the man and says, "Mister, it's too dark and I'm getting scared."
The man replies with, "How do you think I feel? I have to come back alone!"
Did you know if you give a guy a plane ticket, he flies once, but if you push him out of a plane, he flies for the rest of his life.
Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
So you can watch the expression on their face.
So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.
Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."
And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"
Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"
What's funny about dead baby jokes? - They never get old.
1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.
2: I'm dying, finally.
3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.
On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/
"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"
"To the morgue."
"What? But I’m not dead yet!"
"And we’re not there yet."
My dad and cancer go into a fight. I never saw my dad after that.
Life lesson guys:
Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.
Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
Shit, I’m never gonna try to commit suicide again. I almost died!
Why can’t the T-Rex clap his hands?
Because he is DEAD.
I'd tell you a Kobe joke.
But I am afraid it wouldn't land well.
While I was out shopping, I tripped in a store and a lady would not stop staring at me. For fun, I said, "Sorry! It's been a while since I've possessed a body." She looked horrified.
Dads are like boomerangs... I hope!
Son: Dad, why is my name Experience? Dad: Son, Experience is the name we give our mistakes.
You won't eat a human, so why eat meat? Bold of you to presume I won't eat a person.
You know every time we think of sex, an angel dies.
We ran out of dead people hundreds of years ago.
These jokes are nearly as dead as Steven Hawkings.
