Mortality jokes
My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."
I said, "You wanna bet?"
Bam, a gunshot!
How many dead children does it take to change the light in a basement?
More than ten, apparently.
What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
What's the difference between life and a rape joke?
Life fucks you until you stop breathing, a rape joke fucks you until it's not funny anymore.
What is the difference between Betty White and Paul Walker?
Betty didn’t reach 100 before she died.
Memes
What is worse than 16 babies in 16 dumpsters? One baby in 16 dumpsters.
What's the difference between a child and a book?
One doesn't scream when you snap its neck.
My jokes are like kids with cancer; they never get old.
"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"
"To the morgue."
"But I'm not dead yet!"
"But we're not there yet."
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.
What's so great about dead baby jokes? They never get old.
Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last long if you're fat.
An apple a day, or you'll die anyway.
Q: Give a man a day of therapy, he'll be sad for then and on.
A: Give a man a noose, he'll be sad for the rest of his life.
The cemetery is so crowded, people are just dying to get in.
My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*
Me: Yea-
My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*
Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-
Why am I still alive?
Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...
If someone burns to death, do they get a discount at the crematorium?
What’s the best way to get people to remember your birthday? Kill yourself.
My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.
Religious mom: FINALLY!
Me: Grabs a noose.
Preventing suicide is best done by committing it.