My jokes are like kids with cancer; they never get old.
"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"
"To the morgue."
"But I'm not dead yet!"
"But we're not there yet."
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.
What's so great about dead baby jokes? They never get old.
Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last long if you're fat.
An apple a day, or you'll die anyway.
Q: Give a man a day of therapy, he'll be sad for then and on.
A: Give a man a noose, he'll be sad for the rest of his life.
If someone burns to death, do they get a discount at the crematorium?
What's a dying person's least favorite app? TikTok.
My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.
One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.
Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?
-You have to be alive to have autism.
God: You're gonna have 2 parents.
Orphan: Double it and give it to the next person.
My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."
She died in a fire.
Why am I still alive?
Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...
My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*
Me: Yea-
My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*
Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-
My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.
Religious mom: FINALLY!
Me: Grabs a noose.
What’s the best way to get people to remember your birthday? Kill yourself.
Whenever I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, and it can be quite annoying, making it hard for the patients to sleep, so I unplug them.
Sometimes I get jealous when I see a gravestone.
The cemetery is so crowded, people are just dying to get in.
What does Michael Jackson have in common with Kmart?
They're both dead...
