Mortality jokes
I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.
Sometimes I get jealous when I see a gravestone.
The real reason Stephen Hawking died is because he tried to overclock his wheelchair.
How many dead children does it take to change the light in a basement?
More than ten, apparently.
1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.
2: I'm dying, finally.
3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.
On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/
Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.
Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?
-You have to be alive to have autism.
What’s the best way to get people to remember your birthday? Kill yourself.
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day.
Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."
She died in a fire.
85% of us are good at school, while the other 15% is good at suicide.
(Teach me your ways, 15%.)
You know every time we think of sex, an angel dies.
We ran out of dead people hundreds of years ago.
Friend: Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Friend: Your life.
Me: Ahhh, I wish!
*jumps off building*
Teacher: "What do you think is your purpose in our society?"
Me: "To reduce the population by one."
So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.
Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."
And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"
Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"
My jokes are like kids with cancer; they never get old.
At weddings, old people tell kids, "You're next!"
At funerals, little kids tell old people, "You're next!"
Why did the mailman die?
Because everyone dies.
Just noticed something: all celebrities die badly except for Elvis. He had a relief after Taco Bell.
Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.
We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.