Son: Dad, I have black skin and you have white skin, are you sure you're my parents?
Dad: Oh... well I never thought it would come to this, or to your head that you were kidnapped...
Son: Am I kidnapped?
Dad: Well, you're adopted, and if you want to see your biological parents, they’ll be waiting for you in heaven.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he got hit by a car.
Did you hear about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.
Whenever I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, and it can be quite annoying, making it hard for the patients to sleep, so I unplug them.
What's the difference between life and a rape joke?
Life fucks you until you stop breathing, a rape joke fucks you until it's not funny anymore.
Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?
-You have to be alive to have autism.
Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:
Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.
I wish death was in the form of a woman.
That way, it would never come for me.
My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."
She died in a fire.
Grandma: Most people your age have a family and are married. Why aren’t you?
Grandchild: Most your age are dead. Why aren’t you?
I've thought about suicide, but there's always been a part of me that knows I wouldn't be able to live with the decision.
Why did the Emo Chicken cross the road?
To get hit by a car.
I have a question: Does aging affect corpses, too?
Just asking to know if I still count as a pedophile or not!
I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.
God: You're gonna have 2 parents.
Orphan: Double it and give it to the next person.
How are you and an orphan similar?
Both of your fathers are invisible.
Sometimes I get jealous when I see a gravestone.
Life is like a box of chocolates... It ends sooner for fat people.
Hey, are you suicide? Because I want to do you!
I told a crippled guy he is immortal because he can't kick the bucket.
