Military jokes

To avoid getting drafted, a young man slips into a nunnery to hide from some draft board agents who are after him. Desperate, he approaches a nun and asks her to hide him.

“Get under my robes,” says the nun. “No one will look for you there.” The nun lifts up her robes and the man says, “Hey, that’s a fine pair of legs you have there, sister.”

“Yeah, well if you look a bit higher you’ll see a fine set of balls,” replies the nun. “I didn't want to get drafted either.”

What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair? A TANK!

I kinda feel sorry for Hitler.

Looking back at some old photos of him, his friends always left him hanging when he went for a high-five.

What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?

Special forces.

What do you call a blind and illiterate military leader?

Winston Churchill.

"You may not rest, there are monsters nearby."

-Sun Tzu, The Art of War.

"If you want to win swiftly, camp the enemies' spawn."

- Sun Tzu

"If we don’t have a strategy, then the enemy will never know our strategy."

-Sun Tzu, Art of War.

A male unexploded landmine was in love with a female unexploded landmine, and he said to her...

"Hey, baby, we should bang sometime!"

What do you call a baby on the battlefield?

Free shield!

We destroyed two boats, and they dropped the sun on us twice!

America: "WE NEED MORE AMMO!"

Japan: "We are the ammo."

Q: How tall was Hitler's grass? A: *Hitler salute* about this high!

Soldiers, there is one thing you can be sure of: You will be at home with your families, in a jar on the mantelpiece.

My friend is gonna release an air strike. There has to be at least 20 confirmed toilet kills.

What do you call a black man in the army in camo? Incogneggo.

Jim: My grandpa fought in the army during World War Two. He was an officer.

Me: Cool, what rank of officer?

Jim: SS.

Me:...

"Our all-transgender brigade has suffered heavy casualties!"

"What? We haven’t even sent them to fight!"

"They’ve already lost 30% of the unit!"

Drop me in Afghanistan with a cigar, a Kobe jersey, a MAC-10, a Lambo Huracan with a bumper delete, and a Toyota Tacoma with an M249 on the back. Then I'll have Afghanistan as the 51st state by midnight.

Why is Afghanistan good at chess? They take the rooks out fast.

What is the biggest fear of an American soldier taking a piss in a bush during the Vietnam war? His manhood will be chopped off.