I called a suicide hotline in Iraq...They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck
How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
During WWI and WWII, the infantry would use shovels as weapons and to dig trenches. I bet they really dig that weapon!
Q: What does Pakistan love to do with India when they go to war?
A: Surrender their 93,000 soldiers.
Germany: As long as America stays out of the war, we should win.
Japan: *bombing Pearl Harbor* Cowabunga It Is!!
What is an army member's top drink?
WARter.
Why did the Drill Sergeant get in trouble?
He got caught playing with his Privates!
Why are we still fighting in darkness?
"Mission failed, soldier, we will get 'em next time."
Why did Joe Biden pull out of the Afghanistan war?
Because it was over 18 years old.
I wanted to buy some camo pants, but I couldn't find any.
Two of my grandpas died in WW2.
Their tower fell over.
What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?
When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.
One time, Little Johnny heard his parents "wrestling" in their bed. So the next morning, he went to rape all the little girls in school. This then led to his demise.
No girls told on him, but when he grew up, he was a raper. He never stopped. In total, "little" Johnny had over 31 sons that he didn't know about. When he was sentenced to jail, he raped all the inmates despite his small figure. He was then sent to the death sentence, "eagle wing" torture style.
His parents were happy he died, and the morbid rapist was put down, never to return again. However, all the sons had his genes, including his MINDSET. They then became a cult and shot down 2014 cops, 471 military members and 72951 males and females. The kids, you ask? Only the males were spared, and taught how to operate the guns. All but 419 females were killed. They soon became the world's strongest empire. No one could stop Little Johnny's sons. NO ONE.
Why was the soldier reading the Geneva convention?
To-do list.
Yo, if Russia comes to the USA, just know their reboot cards don't expire.
My grandpa was the best soldier ever. He gunned down over 100 soldiers in his bunker during D-Day.
My friend was in Afghanistan when he saw someone got shot, and then they bombed him. Now he called them the "Talkwakers."
Yo hairline so large, you could land a fighter jet on it.
Your hairline is so bad that they used it as trenches in the World War.
I could have sworn while watching anime I saw an American Boeing B-29 Superfortress in the background dropping bombs!
