Military jokes
A German, a Swiss, and a Russian make a bet: whoever has the most forest area in their country wins about 10,000 euros.
First, they fly over Switzerland: 8,000 square kilometers of forest. The German starts getting cold feet, as he doesn't think he'll win. Next, they fly over Russia: 50,000 square kilometers of forest. The German realizes he doesn't stand a chance unless he cheats.
When they fly over Germany, they see 10,000 square kilometers of forest. The German seems to have won, but then the Swiss shouts: "That's a tree!" The German was accused of fraud.
The German is furious. He calls the head of the Bundeswehr: "Why did the tree move?!" The boss said, "I'll put the guy who moved on the line," and passed the receiver over.
"Why did you move?" the German asked.
The young man replied: "Okay, when a dog came along and peed on my trunk, that was still fine. But then a bear came along and rubbed against my trunk..."
Orphans might as well join the military or a gang because they have no family.
A girl kept looking through the window whilst the boys got changed!
I, as a boy, was getting annoyed, so I found an interesting magazine in the corner. So, what did I do? Reload and fire!
What is the difference between a zebra and a female NCO?
A zebra didn't have to suck and fuck to get its stripes.
What do you call autistic people with guns? Special forces.
Why does the Marine Corps have the best uniforms?
Because the Navy wants their bitches to look nice.
What does Marine stand for?
My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment.
What does Marine stand for?
Muscles Are Required, Intelligence Not Expected.
What does Army stand for?
Ain't Ready to be a Marine Yet.
What's the difference between a female NCO and a zebra?
A zebra didn't have to suck and fuck to get its stripes.
What do you call a person with Down syndrome in the military?
Special Forces.
Why do trannies suck at being soldiers? Because they have a 41% casualty rate.
What's the difference between a terrorist training camp and an orphanage?
I don't know, I just fly the drone.
Someone prank calls a general. The general hangs up and goes, "Kids these days have no respect for their elders. That's why I send them all to die."
What do you call an army of autistic people?
Special forces!
What's the fastest way to break up a bingo game in Baghdad?
You shout out, "B-52!"
American soldier: "Did you come here to die?"
Australian soldier: "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterdie."
What’s long and hard and full of semen?
A submarine.
What do you call a black man in the army in camo? Incogneggo.
ISIS recently brought out their own shampoo: HEAD AND SOLDIERS.