Military jokes

If you have an emo kid army, they'll kill themselves before they get to the field.

"If we don’t have a strategy, then the enemy will never know our strategy."

-Sun Tzu, Art of War.

Jim: My grandpa fought in the army during World War Two. He was an officer.

Me: Cool, what rank of officer?

Jim: SS.

Me:...

A male unexploded landmine was in love with a female unexploded landmine, and he said to her...

"Hey, baby, we should bang sometime!"

If you ever feel useless... Just remember that if you ever feel useless... Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with... the Taliban.

I took an hour-long shower. The German officers were looking at me kinda scared.

Babies are like airstrikes; they get aborted.

A German, a Swiss, and a Russian make a bet: whoever has the most forest area in their country wins about 10,000 euros.

First, they fly over Switzerland: 8,000 square kilometers of forest. The German starts getting cold feet, as he doesn't think he'll win. Next, they fly over Russia: 50,000 square kilometers of forest. The German realizes he doesn't stand a chance unless he cheats.

When they fly over Germany, they see 10,000 square kilometers of forest. The German seems to have won, but then the Swiss shouts: "That's a tree!" The German was accused of fraud.

The German is furious. He calls the head of the Bundeswehr: "Why did the tree move?!" The boss said, "I'll put the guy who moved on the line," and passed the receiver over.

"Why did you move?" the German asked.

The young man replied: "Okay, when a dog came along and peed on my trunk, that was still fine. But then a bear came along and rubbed against my trunk..."

What can't a sniper say to his wife?

"I missed you."

How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.

What is an army member's top drink?

WARter.

Why does the United States have such a good military? Because they learn to dodge bullets in school.

Shit, if somebody invades America, the Crips and the Bloods are gonna call a truce so that they can get the big toys out and call Geneva achievement. White women would ride into battle riding lions, tigers, and bears while claymore-strapped rhumbas swept the streets. There's a reason Putin keeps threatening to boom boom us with the boom booms and make you see x-rays before you go go.

We have freaking cannibals still. Hell, we have more guns than people. Dodging bullets has become a rite of passage. Just look at how we raise our kids on caffeine and M16s playing Call of Duty. Then we send them into the warzone known as the American public education system with no weapons. No means to protect themselves other than with their fists. Here Timmy, fight off the bullets with your bare fist and hope you can zig-zag. Hell, the quiet kids in this country start dropping bodies just cause you teased them. The fuck you think's gonna happen when Timmy can't get his damn chicken nuggets and you took his internet out?

Hell, the gangs in America would no longer make their money off the drugs illegally. They'd be our medics and taking bets on kill shots. Don't even get me started on the unhinged millennials the moment they can't get their mood stabilizers. War crimes would become an art form and we'd run around like we playing Pokemon. GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL! Americans would turn war crimes into an extreme sport while the military stands back and records it just so they can show the rest of the world the example of why not to fuck with us. Shit, Geneva Convention would turn into a to-do list on every American household fridge. We take that shit so seriously we'd have Comedy Central sending Kevin Hart to tell us rules for engagement. Racism in America would be single-handedly by ended as Billy Bob and Tyrone high five because they think they just unlocked the super secret duck hunt level with foreign paratroopers. Shit somebody please threaten us with a good time. Invade the United States. Let us show you why the first color in our flag is red.

Germany: As long as America stays out of the war, we should win.

Japan: *bombing Pearl Harbor* Cowabunga It Is!!

Why are the best used guns from France?

Because they have never been fired and they have only been dropped once.

9/10/01

Bush: “Ok, I got this. Just act surprised and pretend to be sad and declare war on Afghanistan.”

I kinda feel sorry for Hitler.

Looking back at some old photos of him, his friends always left him hanging when he went for a high-five.

Your momma's so fat that she's used goods, like the Russian tanks.

Bro, WW2 was just a joke.