Military jokes
What do you call a retreat in war?
A backup plan.
What is the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani primary school?
I don't know... I just fly the drone.
We destroyed two boats, and they dropped the sun on us twice!
American soldier: "Did you come here to die?"
Australian soldier: "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterdie."
Why does Hitler wear glasses? Because he can Nazi without them.
Commander: "Fire a warning shot."
Soldier: "Sir, this is a M32 grenade launcher."
Commander: "Potato, potato, just fire."
Soldier: *fires M32 grenade launcher near a pre-school*
Commander: "They're trying to run, TAKE THEM DOWN!"
Chuck Norris one-shot down a German fighter plane by pointing his finger at it and yelling "bang!"
Q: What do Mexicans love to wear in the air force?
A: Air Force Juans.
Why don't Japanese people like iPhones?
Because they are afraid of American airdrops.
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Do you know why you should never let a blonde handle grenades?
They'll end up only throwing the pin.
what do you call an autistic police officer? special forces
What is the strongest weapon in India?
The red button (this is a fact).
What do you call an army of disabled people?
Special forces.
I think the military shouldn’t allow trans people, because all they'd do is switch sides.
The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:
"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."
The commander starts answering:
"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"
"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"
"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"
After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:
"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"
Q: How tall was Hitler's grass? A: *Hitler salute* about this high!
What do you call a wheelchair person with a gun? Special ops.
If you have an emo kid army, they'll kill themselves before they get to the field.
Babies are like airstrikes; they get aborted.