Military jokes

Why does Hitler wear glasses? Because he can Nazi without them.

Commander: "Fire a warning shot."

Soldier: "Sir, this is a M32 grenade launcher."

Commander: "Potato, potato, just fire."

Soldier: *fires M32 grenade launcher near a pre-school*

Commander: "They're trying to run, TAKE THEM DOWN!"

Chuck Norris one-shot down a German fighter plane by pointing his finger at it and yelling "bang!"

Q: What do Mexicans love to wear in the air force?

A: Air Force Juans.

Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

Do you know why you should never let a blonde handle grenades?

They'll end up only throwing the pin.

what do you call an autistic police officer? special forces

What is the strongest weapon in India?

The red button (this is a fact).

What do you call an army of disabled people?

Special forces.

The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:

"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."

The commander starts answering:

"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"

"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"

"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"

After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:

"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"

If you have an emo kid army, they'll kill themselves before they get to the field.

What do you call a wheelchair person with a gun? Special ops.

What did the kamikaze instructor say to the students?

"Okay guys, watch very carefully because I can only show you this demonstration once."

American soldier: "Did you come here to die?"

Australian soldier: "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterdie."

Why don't Japanese people like iPhones?

Because they are afraid of American airdrops.

Babies are like airstrikes; they get aborted.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because North Korea's long-range missiles can't reach that far.

My uncle died on nine eleven... he was the best pilot in Iraq.

I think the military shouldn’t allow trans people, because all they'd do is switch sides.

What is your arm's favorite military branch? The army.