Medicine jokes
Bro's chin looks like it's from that movie cartoon named Kronk. No wonder he got stung by a bee and took an ibuprofen to reduce the pain, but instead it grew longer.
Did you hear about the man who swallowed his watch?
He went to the doctor hoping he could give him something to help pass the time.
Why is it always cold in the hospital?
To keep the vegetables fresh.
Don't say "stay positive" to the wrong doctor.
Meat stands for: M - monitoring, E - evaluating, A - assessing/addressing, T - treatment.
So when you're shoving meat up people's asses, then you're monitoring them, evaluating them, assessing them, and treating them.
What part in the body does an adult not need but actually needs to live?
A KIDNey!
What do doctors say to patients who blow wind backwards?
DON'T PUT THE FART BEFORE THE FORCE!!
What can you do if you can't bear sharing the same blood as your father who raped you?
Have a blood transfusion.
Donald Trump is making hospitals so poor that they are using kidney beans for their transplants.
Your hairline is so bad man, I gave your doctor a breathalyzer.
My hemorrhoids are so bad, I’ve had toilet bowls that looked like abortions.
*Coughs roughly* Oh my God, it hurts so much. I can't see. It burns! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! *Weakly*
What's the best thing about stage 4 cancer... no stage 5.
I have nut cancer...
Regular depressed person: I'm depressed, so I'll go see a therapist.
Me: I'm depressed, so I won't do anything about it, work on many projects at the same time, destroying my sanity slowly while relying on caffeine and pills as my only way to take down my headaches, and making memes about it online to help myself cope with the pain.
What is a group of disabled people in a coma called?
A salad.
A father awaits the birth of his first child.
The obstetrician says, "Unfortunately, he has no arms."
The father says, "I'll love it all the same."
But the obstetrician adds, "It is also without legs, trunk, head."
The father says, "I'll love it all the same."
Then the obstetrician confessed to him, "I'm sorry, but only this ear was born."
The father says, "I'll love it all the same."
And the obstetrician says, "Talk to him closer: he's deaf!"
You hear about the Roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
Whenever the hungry cannibal performs amputations, he says,
"Thank you for your donation!"
I had to go to the doctor for a prostate exam. When he stuck it in, I started to squirm, so he held onto my shoulder.
I thought it was going well, until he grabbed my other shoulder as well.