"What do you give a man that has everything? Penicillin."
I work on medicine; my job is to smell it to see if it's bad :)
Did you hear about the man who swallowed his watch?
He went to the doctor hoping he could give him something to help pass the time.
Donald Trump is making hospitals so poor that they are using kidney beans for their transplants.
Your hairline is so bad man, I gave your doctor a breathalyzer.
My hemorrhoids are so bad, I’ve had toilet bowls that looked like abortions.
I have nut cancer...
What's the best thing about stage 4 cancer... no stage 5.
Regular depressed person: I'm depressed, so I'll go see a therapist.
Me: I'm depressed, so I won't do anything about it, work on many projects at the same time, destroying my sanity slowly while relying on caffeine and pills as my only way to take down my headaches, and making memes about it online to help myself cope with the pain.
What is a group of disabled people in a coma called?
A salad.
A father awaits the birth of his first child.
The obstetrician says, "Unfortunately, he has no arms."
The father says, "I'll love it all the same."
But the obstetrician adds, "It is also without legs, trunk, head."
The father says, "I'll love it all the same."
Then the obstetrician confessed to him, "I'm sorry, but only this ear was born."
The father says, "I'll love it all the same."
And the obstetrician says, "Talk to him closer: he's deaf!"
You hear about the Roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
Whenever the hungry cannibal performs amputations, he says,
"Thank you for your donation!"
"Jack and Jill went home because he was sick because of the virus in town, gave him a frown, and his arms were pricked."
Cancer is so easy to beat. I'm already at stage four!
My sister got in a car crash a couple days ago. When she got to the hospital, the doctor told her that she needed to get metal mechanics in her leg.
She got really scared and yelled at the doctor, telling them that, “I will not get those implanted in my leg.” I guess she just doesn’t associate with knee gears.
Why doesn't Africa have pharmacies?
Because you can't take drugs on an empty stomach.
Why do pills work?
Because they are white.
A lady sees a doctor about a tummy ache. After her check up, the Doctor said, “Looks like you’ll be needing nappies in about 9 months time.”
The lady asks, “Am I pregnant?” To which the Doctor replied, “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
A man once went to a doctor because his leg was turning blue.
The doctor said that his leg had to be amputated as it was getting poisonous.
The man then got plastic prosthetics.
Next day even the prosthetics started turning blue.
After much examination, the doctor found that the patient's pants were shedding color.
