Medicine jokes
What do you call a doctor that's a skeleton?
Doctor Bones.
My doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15. Problem solved!
Bro's chin looks like it's from that movie cartoon named Kronk. No wonder he got stung by a bee and took an ibuprofen to reduce the pain, but instead it grew longer.
Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?
Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
What part in the body does an adult not need but actually needs to live?
A KIDNey!
Why did he go to the chiropractors?
To get his spine fixed.
Don't say "stay positive" to the wrong doctor.
What do doctors say to patients who blow wind backwards?
DON'T PUT THE FART BEFORE THE FORCE!!
Meat stands for: M - monitoring, E - evaluating, A - assessing/addressing, T - treatment.
So when you're shoving meat up people's asses, then you're monitoring them, evaluating them, assessing them, and treating them.
Donald Trump is making hospitals so poor that they are using kidney beans for their transplants.
Your hairline is so bad man, I gave your doctor a breathalyzer.
I have nut cancer...
*Coughs roughly* Oh my God, it hurts so much. I can't see. It burns! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! *Weakly*
My hemorrhoids are so bad, I’ve had toilet bowls that looked like abortions.
What's the best thing about stage 4 cancer... no stage 5.
What is the perfect job for a pedophile?
A physical doctor for kids.
Regular depressed person: I'm depressed, so I'll go see a therapist.
Me: I'm depressed, so I won't do anything about it, work on many projects at the same time, destroying my sanity slowly while relying on caffeine and pills as my only way to take down my headaches, and making memes about it online to help myself cope with the pain.
What is a group of disabled people in a coma called?
A salad.
A father awaits the birth of his first child.
The obstetrician says, "Unfortunately, he has no arms."
The father says, "I'll love it all the same."
But the obstetrician adds, "It is also without legs, trunk, head."
The father says, "I'll love it all the same."
Then the obstetrician confessed to him, "I'm sorry, but only this ear was born."
The father says, "I'll love it all the same."
And the obstetrician says, "Talk to him closer: he's deaf!"