I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.
What's the difference between sleeping pills and my beating my meat?
Sleeping pills actually come with a prescription.
Q: What is the most expensive haircut? A: Chemo therapy.
Your loved one dies and you call the Coroner's office. They answer, "Hello, this is Benny from the Coroner's office, you stab 'em, we slab 'em, how may I be of service?"
Why did the skeleton die from laughter?
'Cause they broke all his "funny bones!"
We recently found out my grandpa is addicted to Viagra.
No one is taking it harder than grandpa.
Q: What's green and yellow and eats balls?
A: Gonorrhea.
Q: What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?
A: One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family bush.
There was a guy who got his whole left side shot off.
When he was at the hospital and he woke up, he asked the doctor if he was okay.
The doctor said, "You're all right now."
Mamma mia abortion clinic!
Your loss is our sauce.
A Make-A-Wish patient wanted to see Black Panther IRL, so I pulled his plug.
Did you hear about the story of the husband who told his wife she’d look sexier with her hair back?
Apparently, that’s not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
A young man cracked a joke about dementia to his friend on the bus. The old man sitting next to him politely asked, “Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?”
He replied, “Yes, I cancer.” Then he cracked tumor.
EMINEM: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy.
WebMD: Cancer.
Doc: Can I help you?
Girl: Doctor, I have pain in my heart.
Doc: When did it begin?
Girl: Right now (seeing him like a doll).
Doc: Hh...do you like me? I know I am handsome...
Girl: No, don’t get me wrong. You just look like someone I know.
Doc: Who is that? Is your boyfriend?
Girl: No, it’s my pet (rabbit), his name is Rokie.
Cancer jokes really grow on you--unlike the patients' hair.
You know your doctor is gay when he asks you to touch your toes, and then you feel a rub on your back and a tickle on your anus.
Q: How many more chemo treatments did the cancer patient need?
A: Tumor.
What job lets you kill the most people?
An abortion doctor.
A transgender woman with cancer of the tits only has to pay for half the operation.
Health commercials be like:
Serious side effects can cause:
Nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, chills, fever, cancer, diabetes, AIDS, chlamydia, lupus, Ebola, polio, leprosy, pulmonary edema, heart attack, heart failure, yellow fever, but worst of all, DEATH!
Why did the fish go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling “eel.”
