Medicine jokes

What did the cancer doctor say?

You just got a new Christmas present—cancer!

Do this on a calculator.

There was this girl who was (13) but she wanted to be (84) but she was (45) but the doctor said (0). He said take these tablets (2x) a day, but she took them (4x) a day, and she ended up boobless.

Why do people consume "Laxatives"?

Answer: So that they can take a "Shit", STUPID!

Know why they call gonorrhea gonorrhea?

'Cause once you have it, everyone is gone.

My wife is pregnant with a 3-year-old, so I gave her medicine, but now she’s pregnant with a 5-year-old.

The best part about being a medical student is, you will never run out of jokes.

"Cancer gives you weed. It’s not healthy."

Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn't "peeling" well!

I used to be a doctor, until a girl came in to get a kidney transplant, but I had to give her anal resizing surgery first.

Cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer.

Cancer?

Cancer

What goes in and out and saves your life but is not sexual?

Diabetes.

What is better, autism or Down syndrome?

Well, I was gonna make a joke about drunk people, but that would be good for the health.

What's an asthma patient’s least favorite vegetable?

An arti-“choke”!

What do dentists call their x-rays?

Tooth picks.

Cancer cancer cancer cancer. (joke speaks for itself)

My brackets are so high on my teeth, they must be smoking something.

What is a neonatal's first time in the world?

What do you call a frozen Band-Aid?

Cool-Aid!