Medicine jokes
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics!
A doctor walks up to a dying man and sadly says: "I'm sorry, the test shows you only have 10 more to live."
The man says "10!? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!!?"
The doctor calmly replies "Nine".
Doctor asks his patient, "What is your zodiac sign?"
Patient replies, "Cancer." Doctor says, "What a coincidence!"
What is better to have, autism, Down syndrome, or ADHD?
So, I was sitting with my little brother and talking about our dreams. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I asked him. He answered, "A doctor!" I wanted to tease him so I said, "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor like you." I was hoping he would get mad or something, but instead, he calmly replied, "Brother, I said doctor. Not a vet."
How do you help a constipated person?
You scare the shit out of them!
What do we want? A cure for obesity.
When do we want it? After lunch.
When you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove, but you realize both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders.
I'm a family doctor and I wish I could help but... you're an orphan.
You know I want an ADHD cure.
When?
Squirrel!
Man goes to the doctor. He has a banana sticking out of one ear, a carrot sticking out of the other ear, and a green bean sticking out of one nostril.
"Doctor, I'm not feeling well," the man complains.
"Well, it's no wonder," the doctor replies. "You're not eating right!"
Doctor: I’m sorry, I can’t see you today.
Orphan: Oh, how about tomorrow?
Doctor: No, I can’t ever see you.
Orphan: Why?
Doctor: Because I’m a family physician.
A man gets an email from his doctor.
"Sorry for the delay on getting your prescription, it'll be at your house tomorrow."
The man thinks to himself, "Oh shit! Then what have I been taking?"
Chiropractor: Final neck adjustment in 3, 2, 1. How did that feel?
Me: *silence*
AIDS?
If you drink hand sanitizer, does it only kill 99.9% of you?...........💀
What do kids with cancer and cancer jokes have in common?
They never get old.
What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?
For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.
What do you call frozen Ibuprofen?
A chill pill.
If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then the lethal dose would be a lifetime supply.