ME jokes

Me: Mom, the weight scale wants your weight, not your phone number!

Do people even like me, C. A. S. N. O. V. A.?

I told my therapist I feel suicidal. He charged me in advance.

Call me a worn-out sweater because I’m hanging on by a thread.

That’s about to become a rope around my neck.

My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.

Weird, he usually uses a sock.

There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."

What made you suddenly lose interest in someone you were pursuing?

When I found out they liked me back. Not interested in someone with poor judgment.

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me.

On a related note, I suck at darts.

A gay couple walks into a Muslim bar. The tender flares up and says, “let me guess, a little blood on the rocks?”

What's the difference between me and a rope?

A rope will hang with you.

White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!

People trying to stop me from being depressed: “Just cheer up!”

Me: “WOW, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT!”

The match: "Ur my match." The thighs: "You light me up."

So, my girlfriend left me. I took her wheelchair, and she came back crawling.

Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”

What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?

My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.

People say that they can read people's faces; then how come nobody sees me breaking inside?

School teacher: "Hey kid, why don't you just go home to your family?"

Orphan: "My family never came back for me."

School teacher: "Your daddy must've really needed that milk."

I hope death is a woman That way she'll never look at me twice

My boyfriend accused me of cheating. I told him he reminded me of my girlfriend.