ME jokes

What's the difference between me and my pencil sharpeners? Nothing, we're both broken.

Call me an elevator, because I let people down.

I would tell a dad joke, but it already left me.

My son, who is into astronomy, asked me how stars die. I said, "Usually from an overdose."

It is reported that when Churchill met Stalin at Yalta, they discussed their hobbies.

Churchill said: "I collect the jokes people tell me about me."

"That's a coincidence," said Stalin, "I collect the people who tell jokes about me."

What did Snow White say when she sat on Pinocchio? "Lie to me."

I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.

My science teacher asked me what is found inside cells.

I guess "blacks" wasn't the right answer.

People have been telling me that you can get things for free now.

The other day I saw a sign saying "FREE PALESTINE."

There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."

What made you suddenly lose interest in someone you were pursuing?

When I found out they liked me back. Not interested in someone with poor judgment.

A gay couple walks into a Muslim bar. The tender flares up and says, “let me guess, a little blood on the rocks?”

What's the difference between me and a rope?

A rope will hang with you.

What do you call an orphan if every other orphan gets picked?

Someone: Ugly?

Me: No, trick question, they are still an orphan.

Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”

The match: "Ur my match." The thighs: "You light me up."

White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!

So, my girlfriend left me. I took her wheelchair, and she came back crawling.

People trying to stop me from being depressed: “Just cheer up!”

Me: “WOW, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT!”

My cousin asked me, "What do you think was going through Hitler's mind right before he died?"

I told him, "Probably a bullet."