ME jokes

My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...

So I threw a coconut at her.

The doctor told me I'm color blind...

Me: That's out of the purple!

My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me :3

I will remember my biker buddy's last words: "Why did you cut in front of me?"

I couldn’t understand why the baseball was getting bigger and bigger.

Then it hit me.

I am Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon.

Neil before me.

There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."

Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”

What do you call an orphan if every other orphan gets picked?

Someone: Ugly?

Me: No, trick question, they are still an orphan.

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

So, my girlfriend left me. I took her wheelchair, and she came back crawling.

People trying to stop me from being depressed: “Just cheer up!”

Me: “WOW, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT!”

The match: "Ur my match." The thighs: "You light me up."

People say that they can read people's faces; then how come nobody sees me breaking inside?

I hope death is a woman That way she'll never look at me twice

What did the kid say to the emo?

"Don't leave me hanging!"

My boyfriend accused me of cheating. I told him he reminded me of my girlfriend.

School teacher: "Hey kid, why don't you just go home to your family?"

Orphan: "My family never came back for me."

School teacher: "Your daddy must've really needed that milk."

Me: "What's the difference between an apple and an emo?"

Friend: "I don't know."

Me: An apple actually falls from the tree.