ME jokes

Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”

So, my girlfriend left me. I took her wheelchair, and she came back crawling.

I just saw people writing "Zoophile," "Ailurophile," and "Dendrophilia" in their bios. I thought this was cool, but when I wrote "Necrophile" and "Pedophile," I don't know why people started hating me as if I did something wrong. I was just trying to be cool like them, man.

My cousin asked me, "What do you think was going through Hitler's mind right before he died?"

I told him, "Probably a bullet."

People trying to stop me from being depressed: “Just cheer up!”

Me: “WOW, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT!”

What do you call an orphan if every other orphan gets picked?

Someone: Ugly?

Me: No, trick question, they are still an orphan.

What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?

My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.

People say that they can read people's faces; then how come nobody sees me breaking inside?

School teacher: "Hey kid, why don't you just go home to your family?"

Orphan: "My family never came back for me."

School teacher: "Your daddy must've really needed that milk."

I hope death is a woman That way she'll never look at me twice

My boyfriend accused me of cheating. I told him he reminded me of my girlfriend.

What did the kid say to the emo?

"Don't leave me hanging!"

Everybody loves guns!

Every time I show them mine, they give me free stuff.

Dad's secretary left her position, he told me I could take it if I want it. He also told me the job pays well but there is a lot to catch up on. He kept me under the pump all week.

Me: "What's the difference between an apple and an emo?"

Friend: "I don't know."

Me: An apple actually falls from the tree.

A guy walks to his friend's house. His friend asks, "Where is your girlfriend?"

The guy replies, "Meet me at the cemetery in a week, and you'll find out!"

Wife: (on phone) Hi. Husband: Hey, I didn’t know dishwashers talk and make me a sandwich.

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

What made you suddenly lose interest in someone you were pursuing?

When I found out they liked me back. Not interested in someone with poor judgment.