ME jokes

What's the difference between me and my pencil sharpeners? Nothing, we're both broken.

One day my mom told me to take out the trash, and I did. The next day, mom asked me, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "A garbage truck took her." Mom started running to try and get the truck before it left.

My mom asked me if I was okay, so I replied, "I will be," and jumped out the window!

I work as an IT technician. The other day, I had to fix Cristiano Ronaldo’s laptop. He pointed to a message on the screen saying, “Do you consent to cookies?” He said that he doesn’t eat cookies and doesn’t know what consent means, so that’s why he called me.

My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!

*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*

"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"

My son, who is into astronomy, asked me how stars die. I said, "Usually from an overdose."

A teacher says, "If you have one dollar and your parents give you 5 dollars, how much do you have?"

Everyone raised their hands except for a little girl in the front, but the teacher called on her anyway.

The girl said, "My parents left me, so I would have one dollar."

Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimer's."

Boy: "What's that?"

Grandpa: "What's what?"

My mom tells me and my sister to stop fighting. "Mom! You and Dad need to stop!"

An emo tried to give me a high five...

I left him hanging.

All these suicide jokes are f***ing killing me.

Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone. I had no idea why though...

Then IT hit me.

Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there. Trust me, you won’t regret it.

The other day, I walked up to someone who looked lost and he had all scraggy clothes on. I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents, buddy."

I would tell a dad joke, but it already left me.

It is reported that when Churchill met Stalin at Yalta, they discussed their hobbies.

Churchill said: "I collect the jokes people tell me about me."

"That's a coincidence," said Stalin, "I collect the people who tell jokes about me."

I will remember my biker buddy's last words: "Why did you cut in front of me?"

I couldn’t understand why the baseball was getting bigger and bigger.

Then it hit me.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me :3

I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.