ME jokes

One day my mom told me to take out the trash, and I did. The next day, mom asked me, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "A garbage truck took her." Mom started running to try and get the truck before it left.

My mom asked me if I was okay, so I replied, "I will be," and jumped out the window!

What's the difference between me and my pencil sharpeners? Nothing, we're both broken.

Treat me like a joke, and I will leave you like it's funny.

My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.

Religious mom: FINALLY!

Me: Grabs a noose.

Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?

"I finished my job."

What about me?

What did the plane say to the tower?

"Give me a kiss."

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

My mom tells me to stop with the suicide jokes, and I replied with, "It's not that deep."

I asked the gym instructor,

"Can you teach me to do the splits?"

"How flexible are you?" he asked.

"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."

Me: Good night, everyone.

My friends and family: Night.

Me: *gets in coffin*

My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?

My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.

For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

My math teacher asked me what a liked term was. I told her I couldn't say, never experienced it.

Christopher Walkin: "This is a literal universal remote! It actually controls your life! You can pause, you can rewi-"

Me: power button.

What was Michael Jackson's favorite word to say to parents and tabloids? "Leave me alone."

They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.

Mom: You will make me kill myself.

Me who has cut first: I'll kill myself ✨first✨!

My mom tells me and my sister to stop fighting. "Mom! You and Dad need to stop!"

A teacher says, "If you have one dollar and your parents give you 5 dollars, how much do you have?"

Everyone raised their hands except for a little girl in the front, but the teacher called on her anyway.

The girl said, "My parents left me, so I would have one dollar."