ME jokes
I asked the gym instructor,
"Can you teach me to do the splits?"
"How flexible are you?" he asked.
"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."
(some kid crying because hes an orphan and kids are bulling him) teacher:HEY i was a orphan to so if you bully him your basicly trying to bully me too me:OOF teacher:now is somebody not here? me:your parents
My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."
Me: Mom, the weight scale wants your weight, not your phone number!
What's an orphan's favorite Roblox game?
Adopt Me.
My grandpa said, "You kids rely on too much electronics." I said, well we will see about that. *unplugging life support* me: *oops*
An emo tried to give me a high five...
I left him hanging.
Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone. I had no idea why though...
Then IT hit me.
Bestfriend @3am: I love you.
Me: Love you too.
*wait whatttttttttttttttttttt*
I don't know if this is funny.
My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?
The Twin Towers remind me of an emote... bing, bang, boom.
All these suicide jokes are f***ing killing me.
Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there. Trust me, you won’t regret it.
Mom: I'm getting you a dog!
Me: OMG REALLY?!
Mom: Yeah, what gender do you want?
Me:...
Me: Bitch, please.
(There was a mommy tomato, a daddy tomato, and a baby tomato.)
Baby: Wait for me!
(Father tomato walks back toward the baby.)
(He squishes the child.)
Father: Ketchup!
The other day, I walked up to someone who looked lost and he had all scraggy clothes on. I said, "Are you an orphan?"
He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents, buddy."
One day my mom told me to take out the trash, and I did. The next day, mom asked me, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "A garbage truck took her." Mom started running to try and get the truck before it left.
My mom asked me if I was okay, so I replied, "I will be," and jumped out the window!
I work as an IT technician. The other day, I had to fix Cristiano Ronaldo’s laptop. He pointed to a message on the screen saying, “Do you consent to cookies?” He said that he doesn’t eat cookies and doesn’t know what consent means, so that’s why he called me.
Why am I still alive?
Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...