ME jokes
My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.
Weird, he usually uses a sock.
my therapist told me that time heals wounds i stabbed him now we wait
What did Snow White say when she sat on Pinocchio? "Lie to me."
Call me a worn-out sweater because I’m hanging on by a thread.
That’s about to become a rope around my neck.
A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office and screams, “Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”
The doctor calmly answers, “Pay me in advance.”
Michael Jackson, who's terrified of adult women, once had a girlfriend, but broke it off with her. When she asked him why, he said, "It's not you, it's me-hee-hee."
I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.
I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"
My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."
I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."
My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.
I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.
What's the difference between me and a registered sex offender?
I am not registered.
Nobody: Aww, that's so sad!
Me: Just like me.
What's an orphan's favorite Roblox game?
Adopt Me.
My grandpa said, "You kids rely on too much electronics." I said, well we will see about that. *unplugging life support* me: *oops*
(some kid crying because hes an orphan and kids are bulling him) teacher:HEY i was a orphan to so if you bully him your basicly trying to bully me too me:OOF teacher:now is somebody not here? me:your parents
Me: Mom, the weight scale wants your weight, not your phone number!
Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
"Babe, is it in?" "Yeah." "Does it hurt?" "Uh-huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."
I was out to dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 47, had many people shouting at me and calling me a creep.
It really ruined our 10th anniversary.
You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.