ME jokes

I'm deaf. My deaf ex-wife cheated on me with a guy who I met on a deaf social trip who was also deaf. I guess I didn't see the signs at the time.

What did the plane say to the twin towers?

"Lmao, you twins don't know how to play Jenga. Here, let me show you how!" (BOOM) ;)

My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.

A pirate walked into a pub with a ship wheel attached to his balls. The bartender says, "What the hell is that?"

The pirate said, "I don't know but it's driving me nuts!"

Your sister: You're so ugly.

Me: But we look the same, so who's also ugly?

A joker held the door open for me the other day. It was a nice gesture.

Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."

Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."

Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."

Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."

I don't like Roblox Adopt Me. It reminds me of my past.

Stephen Hawking talks by clicks. Two clicks is "hi," and five is "dab me up."

I think about my life, and then I think about death. I prefer death. If you ask me, life is just a time when you die. Basically, death is life, meaningless 0-0.

Imagine this: You're at math class. The teacher asks you, "What's 11 * 11?" You say, "120." The teacher says, "Wrong!" You say, "How off was I?" The teacher says, "1."

Me rn: REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE WHERES THE RAGE TABLE or something like that.

My favorite dark joke is orphan jokes. For no apparent reason.

(If you see this joke with a blue "S" that's also me. I just have an acc now.)

I met a fat chick at the beach.

People started asking me what I use for bait, or do you want us to help throw the whale back in the water?

Kid: Wanna hear a joke?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Why diddncjcjcbfjcbcjdbbskzmzj b b j no?

Me:?

Two nuns walk into a liquor store, and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had.

The clerk replied, "Heck no sister, you nuns aren't supposed to drink that stuff!" The nun said, "Well my son, it is not for us, you see, it is for Mother Teresa," then the nun whispers, "She has the constipation."

The clerk said, "Oh, in that case, it's on the house. Here's the biggest jug we have." The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave. A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled, he goes over to them and says, "You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her constipation!"

One of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says "You wanna know something buddy? She sure will shit when she sees us!"

I told AI to talk dirty to me. It started describing my browser history.

My wife is an optimist. Our first night together, she handed me a Magnum XL condom. I didn’t know what to do, so I made her a balloon animal 🎈🦒.

Q. You know what really bugs me?

A. Insect puns.

A boy walks into class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks. The teacher says, "Where have you been?" The boy says, "On a peach hill."

Another boy walks in with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks. The teacher says, "Where have you been?" The boy says, "On a peach hill."

Then a girl walks in, and the teacher says, "And where on earth have you been?" The girl says, "Well, you see..." Then the teacher stops her and says, "Let me guess, on a peach hill?" The girl says, "No, on 2 big cucumbers."

When I was younger, I went to an Indian convenience store to pick up a lottery ticket. When the cashier handed me the ticket, she told me to "hold it properly." So I ripped the red dot right off of her forehead.