ME jokes

My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger sister.

Me vs. the emo kid: we go to high-five a tree. I get a high five; the emo kid is left hanging.

Do you mix concrete for a living? Because you’re making me hard.

I asked the orphan if he wanted to watch all the Tom Holland Spider-Man movies with me, and he started crying.

Two boys were at a lake, and they went to a bush and saw a naked lady.

One ran away, the other one followed the one who ran and asked why he ran. The boy answered, "My mum told me if I saw a naked lady I would turn to stone. I ran away because I felt something get hard."

Mom asks, "Why are you are THIS show??? It's DISTRACTING you from SCHOOL!!!!!"

The child says, "Don't you mean SCHOOL is distracting ME from this AWESOME show?"

Mom whispers, "Oh, you DEAD."

My wife told me to treat her like a princess, so I got drunk and drove through the tunnel.

People have been telling me that you can get things for free now.

The other day I saw a sign saying "FREE PALESTINE."

This Native American won't stop talking bad about me, so I said, "Please stop acting like you first discovered this land belonged to your ancestors!"

I'm sorry, orphans, that you're getting bullied. Oh, I have to go, my MOM's calling me. We're going on a road trip to go to a FAMILY reunion!

My wife told me I could never, ever build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

"Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head."

- JFK

Me: Kills the boss and takes his loot.

Everyone else in the office: 😱

How I Punch my Brother: Wooden Sword.

How he is telling Dad: Diamond Sword.

How hard my Dad is gonna punch me: Warden Punch.

I saw a kid on the curb while I was on a walk, and he was in baggy clothes, and I said, "Are you an orphan?" He said, "Yeah." And the orphan said, "What gave me away?" I said, "Ur parents."

My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.

My BFF asked me: "You know why it took Carlos 3 days to move on?"

I said: "Why?"

My BFF says: "Well, it's because he was already cheating!"

I said: "KNEW IT!"

They call me an elevator because I let people down.

ROBERT LEWANDISNEY SONG

Give me freedom. Give me fire. Give me contract, Or I retire.

Jog all day, Out of UCL now. FC Barcelona, I need you now.

Villarreal defenders, They surround me. Big submarines, All around me.

I get upset. Call my agent. I want money. I’m impatient.

My friend showed me his broken finger, and I said, "JESUS!" He said his name is Jake.