ME jokes

Call me a worn-out sweater because I’m hanging on by a thread.

That’s about to become a rope around my neck.

My son came to me depressed, so I pointed to the spare bedroom and said, "Hang in here, son."

My dad told me a joke one time. When I realized the joke, the second tower was hit.

My girlfriend called me a cocksucker, but hey, 20 dollars is 20 dollars.

Dad: Son, do you want to play Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots?

Son: Sure, let me get it from the closet.

Dad: No, bring your sisters. Just like the game, they can’t move their legs.

Wanna hear a joke?

Me.

F*ck me!

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Q: What did Britney say to Kevin when they were in bed?

A: "Hit me baby one more time."

My friend wasn't open to the idea of me becoming a nudist.

I told him to stop being so clothes-minded.

My wife told me to contact more of my feminine side.

I crashed the car and fucked my trainer.

I've thought about suicide, but there's always been a part of me that knows I wouldn't be able to live with the decision.

My son came up to me and said, "Mom, where are your parents?"

I stared in confusion. I said, "In a far place."

He asked, "In an orphanage?"

My wife says sex is even better on holiday. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.

I am crying tears of joy rn.😭 I was wrongfully denied my visa. ☠️ They took me to the Q&A section, that I needed to answer one simple question for my visa to be granted.

The question was the original synonym of Bench. I shakily answered "Pristiano Penaldo" 😭. I was right guys ✅🛫

How to improve my beloved Penchester United in 5 easy steps:

1. Sell Casemeiro 🤑 2. Sell Pernandes 🤑 3. Sell Bencho 🤑 4. Sell Trashford 🤑 5. Terminate penaldo 🤑 6. Make Mctominay extend his deal 📝

These came down deep from my heart. Don’t let me down again, please.

Me: Kills the boss and takes his loot.

Everyone else in the office: 😱

How I Punch my Brother: Wooden Sword.

How he is telling Dad: Diamond Sword.

How hard my Dad is gonna punch me: Warden Punch.

This Native American won't stop talking bad about me, so I said, "Please stop acting like you first discovered this land belonged to your ancestors!"

Me: Dark humor jokes are like a mother's love.

Orphan: How come?

Me: You wouldn't get it.

Orphan: . . . .