ME jokes

My son came to me depressed, so I pointed to the spare bedroom and said, "Hang in here, son."

Your sister: You're so ugly.

Me: But we look the same, so who's also ugly?

What did John Cena say to the blind kid? "You can't see me."

Me: Hey, are you an orphan?

Orphan: Yeah, what gave me away?

Me: Your parents.

A priest says to me, "Come up, my child." Then I said, "Do I know you? Because you're not my father."

(Bully) Boy, you ugly!

(Me) Boy, shut up, that's why your hairline start at the back of your head.

Girlfriend: "Would you still love me if I was a figment of your imagination?"

My schizophrenic ass: Of course I would.

Are you a blanket? Because I love it when you’re on top of me.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

My dad told me a joke one time. When I realized the joke, the second tower was hit.

My wife told me I could never, ever build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

You are able to travel to the anime world, believe me, Michael Jackson did it.

Kid: *runs down the street* HELP ME!

Officer: You OK, kid?

Me: Don't worry! He's my nephew, there was a big spider.

Officer: Oh, OK, ma'am. *walks off*

When officer leaves:

Me: *gets whip* What did I say about leaving the basement?

Mom asks, "Why are you are THIS show??? It's DISTRACTING you from SCHOOL!!!!!"

The child says, "Don't you mean SCHOOL is distracting ME from this AWESOME show?"

Mom whispers, "Oh, you DEAD."

Two boys were at a lake, and they went to a bush and saw a naked lady.

One ran away, the other one followed the one who ran and asked why he ran. The boy answered, "My mum told me if I saw a naked lady I would turn to stone. I ran away because I felt something get hard."

I am Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon.

Neil before me.

Do you mix concrete for a living? Because you’re making me hard.

This Native American won't stop talking bad about me, so I said, "Please stop acting like you first discovered this land belonged to your ancestors!"

My wife told me to treat her like a princess, so I got drunk and drove through the tunnel.

I asked the orphan if he wanted to watch all the Tom Holland Spider-Man movies with me, and he started crying.