ME jokes

My girlfriend called me a cocksucker, but hey, 20 dollars is 20 dollars.

Dad: Son, do you want to play Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots?

Son: Sure, let me get it from the closet.

Dad: No, bring your sisters. Just like the game, they can’t move their legs.

Me yelling every gay slur to get suspended.

I’m in catholic school.

Me: Do you eat your cereal with water? You: No, why? Me: 'Cause your dad never came back with the milk!

All these people on here making me wish I knew them IRL.

Riddler: Riddle me this, are you scared of the big black?

Person: Big black what?

Riddler: ...

Person: I'm scared of what you mean because you won't tell me what you mean.

Me to friend: I'm homeschooled.

Friend: If I was homeschooled, I'd kms.

Me: Oh, I already tried that.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

My dad told me a joke one time. When I realized the joke, the second tower was hit.

My son came to me depressed, so I pointed to the spare bedroom and said, "Hang in here, son."

My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Are you a blanket? Because I love it when you’re on top of me.

My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.

Employer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: No, but I do a pretty good "Bohemian Rhapsody."

F*ck me!

Hey, wanna hear a joke?

Yeah, me too.

Wanna hear a joke?

Me.

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Me going to jail for telling the orphan he has 363 days because mothers and Father’s Day.

My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.