ME jokes

I'm sorry, orphans, that you're getting bullied. Oh, I have to go, my MOM's calling me. We're going on a road trip to go to a FAMILY reunion!

My wife told me I could never, ever build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

"Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head."

- JFK

Two boys were at a lake, and they went to a bush and saw a naked lady.

One ran away, the other one followed the one who ran and asked why he ran. The boy answered, "My mum told me if I saw a naked lady I would turn to stone. I ran away because I felt something get hard."

Mom asks, "Why are you are THIS show??? It's DISTRACTING you from SCHOOL!!!!!"

The child says, "Don't you mean SCHOOL is distracting ME from this AWESOME show?"

Mom whispers, "Oh, you DEAD."

My friends:

Maya: I only get 9 hours of sleep.

Josh: 9 hours? I get 7 hours of sleep.

Noah: You get 7? I get 4 hours of sleep.

Me: You guys are getting sleep...

Hey guys, how was your day?

If you ask me the same question, here's the answer: depressing.

I still haven't made any friends on this app. All I do is read and comment on old jokes or opinions.

Money and women are kind of the same thing for me; it comes and goes very easily.

Crack me, break me, love me, and you ate me--egg.

What is it called when an orphan is having a family reunion?

Me time.

"When your mom is pregnant and your best friend learns dad jokes."

Me:.....

Me: Kills the boss and takes his loot.

Everyone else in the office: 😱

How I Punch my Brother: Wooden Sword.

How he is telling Dad: Diamond Sword.

How hard my Dad is gonna punch me: Warden Punch.

Me: Dark humor jokes are like a mother's love.

Orphan: How come?

Me: You wouldn't get it.

Orphan: . . . .

I am Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon.

Neil before me.

Do you mix concrete for a living? Because you’re making me hard.

I asked the orphan if he wanted to watch all the Tom Holland Spider-Man movies with me, and he started crying.

My mom: If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you?

Me: No.

Attack on Titan music starts playing in my head.

Me: Bro, I don't think the Twin Towers will ever order pizza again.

Friend: Why?

Me: Because when they ordered pepperoni, all they got was plane.

Me to bully: You are so fat that when the satellite took the picture, you were considered as an island.

Bully: (Speechless)