ME jokes

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis.

A family of three, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”

“Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.

“Let me start,” says the son.

“Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.

“I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.

“Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games.” Says the mom.

“You’re right!” He replies.

“I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”

“Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom.” Says the son.

“The lie isn’t that you’re adopted,” says the dad.

Lol making jokes about cancer makes me feel better as a person that had cancer, it’s great!

The doctor told me I had aids. I said, "It's your fault, sister."

A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: Do you know how often people die from AIDS?

I said: Now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.

I don’t like to make jokes around dwarfs.

Simply because they look up to me.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

Guys, don’t let nobody hurt you with words.

Like someone once said, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

My girlfriend called me a "pedophile", and I said, "That's a big word for a 5-year-old."

Old people kept saying "you're next" to me at weddings, so I started saying it to them at funerals.

A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.

So in a triathlon, it would all come down to whoever can ride a bike the fastest.

"I always like walking in the rain, so no one can see me crying."

- Charlie Chaplin

My friend asked me why I know how to tie a noose.

I told them, "because I’m such a noose-ance."

My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Sometimes I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.

My dad told me to stop with the suicide jokes, so I said I’ll cut it out.

My kids found me in the family tree. I was hanging there for hours.

[Them]: "Don't you think you'll feel ashamed of all the suicide jokes you've made when you get older?"

[Me]: "When I what?" 0-0

You know the difference between me and a zebra? Me neither.

I wondered if becoming a furry could help me escape my crippling depression...

Unfortunately, the veterinarian insisted that he still wasn't going to euthanize me.

I was exploring a haunted mansion when I encountered a ghost named Pristiano Penaldo. He asked if I supported Burnley as he wanted to statpad against me. Luckily, I pulled out my trusty Liverpool shirt, and he disappeared. Shame on you, Penaldo.