ME jokes

A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: Do you know how often people die from AIDS?

I said: Now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.

My girlfriend called me a "pedophile", and I said, "That's a big word for a 5-year-old."

You know the difference between me and a zebra? Me neither.

[Them]: "Don't you think you'll feel ashamed of all the suicide jokes you've made when you get older?"

[Me]: "When I what?" 0-0

I wondered if becoming a furry could help me escape my crippling depression...

Unfortunately, the veterinarian insisted that he still wasn't going to euthanize me.

I don’t like to make jokes around dwarfs.

Simply because they look up to me.

My dad told me to stop with the suicide jokes, so I said I’ll cut it out.

My kids found me in the family tree. I was hanging there for hours.

My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Sometimes I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.

"I always like walking in the rain, so no one can see me crying."

- Charlie Chaplin

I was exploring a haunted mansion when I encountered a ghost named Pristiano Penaldo. He asked if I supported Burnley as he wanted to statpad against me. Luckily, I pulled out my trusty Liverpool shirt, and he disappeared. Shame on you, Penaldo.

I have the brains of an old man and the heart of a child. If you don't believe me, I can pop my trunk.

A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.

So in a triathlon, it would all come down to whoever can ride a bike the fastest.

My friend asked me why I know how to tie a noose.

I told them, "because I’m such a noose-ance."

Me: "Comment if you love yourself and give me a reason."

Friends: comments give reason.

Me: "Notice how I commented nothing."

Day later:

Mom: Let me see your TikTok.

Me: Shows her the video.

Mom: calls suicide.

JK, she just beat me for posting a video on her.

Old people kept saying "you're next" to me at weddings, so I started saying it to them at funerals.

I was in a library and a black guy came up to me.

"Where's the coloured printer?" he said.

"Mate, it's 2025, you can use any printer you want," I replied.

My wife called me a pedophile. That is a big word for a 2 year old.

I called a suicidal hotline in Iraq and they asked me if I could drive a truck.

Friend: Want to play Fall Guys?

Friend 2: Yup.

Friend: Ok, so let me ju- wait, where are you going?

Friend 2: I'm gonna jump off.

Friend: Why?

Friend 2: We are playing Fall Guys, right?