ME jokes

Person: You can't kill an orphan!

Me: What are they going to do, go tell their parents?

Person: "How many people have you had intercourse with?"

Me: "Nun."

Bully: Shut up, motherfucker!

Me: Well, stop talking to me and I won't have to keep fucking your mother.

I hate it when I go to the shop and people are like, "Oh, hey what are you doing here?"

Me: "Oh, you know, just hunting elephants."

I gave Helen Keller an Oculus and AirPods for her 12th birthday, and she hated them and me.

I felt bad for a dog, and I looked to my left, and there was an orphan, and I said I will make you a website, and I said there won't be a homepage.

I met a talking lizard. The doctor told me he had ereptile dysfunction! 🦎

Egg shaped, dome, bowling ball lookin' ass, bald fuck with that 360 degrees ahh head, motherfucker look like a damn balloon.

Call me Kobe 'cause I'm finna use your head as a basketball and throw it at yo' parents. Mr. Clean, bootleg Saitama lookin' ass mfer. No hair? :(

A teacher wanted to sing, so she did. This is what she said:

"You have no family, even though you're broker than me."

Boss: Have a good day.

Me: *goes home*

What did the mic say to the rapper?

"Don’t DROP me, bro!"

Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”

My girlfriend who is a Jehovah's Witness had sex with me so hard, she turned to Christianity.

A fat homeless person begged me for food, so I said, "I can see your dinner. You had plenty!"

About a month ago, I was at my best friend’s funeral and I told him, "Bitches always come and go." He looked at me kinda mad, kinda confused, and said, "That’s my mom, dude."

Me: Hey God, are you there? It's me, Michael.

God: *SILENCE*

Me: If any gods exist, they better say or do something this instant!

God: *SILENCE*

Whenever someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.

I became anti-furry because I don't want Doom Slayer after me.

Me: Ice woman diary: a witch's tin key.

Other: What? You said, "I swim in diarrhea, which is stinky?"

Luke asks his friend, "How old is your father?"

James replied, "He's as old as me."

Luke then said, "It doesn't make any sense."

James then said, "He became my father when I was born."