ME jokes

My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them.

I did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

I finally asked my deadbeat dad what makes him happy. His answer? He hasn't gotten back to me.

Is it just me, or do these gays need to leave me alone?

Life is better without my dad annoying me (him smacking me, screaming for something useless, limiting my screen time, and much more).

Freddy: I'm coming for you >:)

Me: God, no, help!

*game notification pops up with very loud sound*

Me and my life.

Me: Why did the bus drop his ice cream?

Sanity to live: I don't know?

Me: He was run over by Timmy!!!

Sanity to live? *dies*

Me: *At edge of bridge* Wow, sweet view.

Sanity to live: *resurrected*

Narrator: Sometimes a bridge is all you need...

(sponsored by jumping bridges)

My friend thinks he is funny.

He told me that the only food that makes you cry is an onion, so I threw a coconut at him.

My parents told me that when they had sex, it was absolutely shambles.

Thankfully, it turned out that they were real balls.

I lost my job at a research facility. The people were too chill for me.

I walked up to 2 people kissing and stared.

After a little while, they asked me if I minded. I said no, I don’t mind.

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Knock, knock." "Knock, knock who?" "Can you let me in now?"

Someone asked me if I was a good sleeper. I told them I'm so good that I can do it with my eyes closed.

A guy walks up to me and says, "I wonder if the hookman is real?"

I reply saying, "Yeah, it's Asa Hutchinson, lol."

Me, holding a baby: "Oh my God, it's so cute!"

Also me: "Throw it."

Yo, Rob, you forgot to pay me cause you sucky sucky my thang.

AKA, you're up for adoption.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Don't scare me! I poop easily!

Let me tell you a joke about pizza!

Never mind...

It's too cheesy.

I heard my neighbors having sex, and it was annoying me, so I called my girlfriend to ask if she wanted to go out, but when I called her, I heard my neighbors' phone ringing.