ME jokes

Once I said to an orphan, "What the 'F' means in 'orphan'?"

He replied, "There's no 'F'."

Me: "There's no family."

Me: Am actually happy right now.

Life: Lol one sec.

Friend: My mum took my phone from me, and I really want it back.

Me: Yeah, well, Hades took my parents from me, and the funny thing is, I don't want them back.

Friend 1: How come when you say "apart" your lips move apart, but when you say "together" they move apart?

Me: Maybe your lips want a divorce.

My friend said she was tired of seeing me every day.

So I pushed her off the side of a cliff.

Green beans, potato salad with the one that was in the fridge for me.

Me: *opens a bag of hot Cheetos in class*

All my friends: Hey bro, can I have some?

People I don't know: Please lemme have some. PLEASE, I'll be your best friend!

People I say no to: (⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)

My builder was extending my basement when he questioned me because he found three dead kids in a corner tied together.

Hey y'all, you want to read something funny? Then look up "Greater Tuna" OID and read the script. It's the best. I'm performing it for an OID (Oral Interpretation of Drama) and it kicks ass. Check it out. Also, the name I'm using is my Roblox Username. Friend me.

My mom told me to get dressed, and I said, "For what? Are we going to the rodeo?"

If you are a big fan of me, go to the movie and I kill the bad guys. If you don't, I will be mad and I will be sonic.exe lol.

What did the human say to the fly when it was buzzing around the human's head?

"Would you stop bugging me!"

Life is better without my dad annoying me (him smacking me, screaming for something useless, limiting my screen time, and much more).

My mom told me that my friend Paul is coming over, and he is going to sleep over, so I was happy.

The next day, I ask my mom, "Where's the dog?" My mom asks me, "What dog?"

Then I said to my mom, "I heard Paul say, 'Do you want it doggy?' and you said 'Yeah.'"

I'm always willing to go down on a special needs girl.

Momma always told me to eat my vegetables.

Hi, my name is Meer Adnan Hussain. I am a Muslim. I live in Karachi, an area of Pakistan. I want this job. I am interested in this work. Please take me in this work. Your porn star, Meer Adnan Hussain. Wait for your email. Okay.

"Give me a cigarette," the condemned man said.

"I thought you quit," replied the guard.

"I did, but I don't think it matters anymore."

My boyfriend always likes when I wear my fishnet sleeves. He says it looks great on me, but he doesn’t know that my skin is covered with scars... no one does. No one questions why I wear them everyday. I hope it stays like that because I can’t deal with my mom finding out that I still hurt myself.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance on the cliff, so I pushed her over because I lost my balance!

I call this my great talk with Siri.

Me: Hey Siri, give me a "yo mama" joke.

Siri: My mother? Huh?

Me: Did I stutter?

Siri: Interesting question.

Me: It wasn’t a question.

Siri: I’m not sure I understand?

Me: You should understand.

Siri: Hmm... Is there something else I can help with?

Me: No, you b***.