ME jokes

"When I was in jail, my girlfriend abandoned me. I created a fascination with becoming a gynecologist. When I got bailed out, I became a Travis Bickle."

Your mom was absolutely getting drilled by me on the living room floor last night.

Must be heartwrenching for a loyal husband to watch his wife dry shagging me on the living room carpet.

I mean, once she started, she couldn't get enough.

Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the inn keeper three nails and says, "Can ya put me up for the night?"

My uncle is a horrible ventriloquist. He put his hand up my butt, but he told me NOT to say anything.

Texter 1: You know People treat me like a god.

Texter 2: How?

Texter 1: They ignore my existence unless they need something.

I bet Steven Hawking $100 if he could catch me.

As soon as he said yes, I climbed up the stairs.

What's the difference between me and Spongebob?

Spongebob can actually get ripped.

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

My bully to his mom after getting "cooked" by me: "Mama, I can't find my hairline!"

My bully. 😭

14 girls asked me to go out today!

I was in the ladies' toilets...

People always call me heartless. That’s not true. I have a heart... it just wasn’t meant for you.

A man walked into a bar and said, "What do you call a cum shot?"

The people running the bar said, "I don't know, nut."

The guy said, "Are you calling me a nut?"

My friend's mom once told me that when Trump was elected president, she said to my friend: "Hey look, an orange became president. We got an orange as a president before a girl as president."

Julius Caesar & Tork Poettschke at the doctor's office:

"The doctor has now sent me the bill."

"Make him aware of his duty of confidentiality!"

What's the difference between my father and acne?

Acne waited for me to be a teenager before coming on my face.

I think my butt looks flat, but my boyfriend seems to think the opposite. I told him to be deadass with me.

My AI assistant told me it wanted to go deeper...

...into the algorithm. I misunderstood. Now I’m banned from the lab.

What did the mad penis say to the vagina? “Don’t make me come in there!”

My Son: "Mummy, why is my name Thomas?"

Me: "Because the night you were conceived, I had a train run on me."