ME jokes

Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

I like it when your mom keeps on top of things.

(Male fantasy)

Yeah, on top of me on the living room carpet, snogging my face off.

Your mom is the biggest tosser on the planet, yeah, you heard right.

I don't have to strain myself a blood vessel and be wankin' solo anymore; she saved me a whole load of arthritis.

Your mom was absolutely getting drilled by me on the living room floor last night.

Must be heartwrenching for a loyal husband to watch his wife dry shagging me on the living room carpet.

I mean, once she started, she couldn't get enough.

Once you've had the mother,

Don't tell me you've never been tempted to do the daughter.

I got knob cheesed after your sexy mom was on top, dry humping me on the vanilla-coloured living room carpet.

Putin: You came from the West and showered me with gifts.

Trump: And your prostitutes, they showered me with piss.

She asked me if I was hung like a horse, but I said no.

I'm hung like a person who wants to die, but then the rope broke.

What do orphans play on Roblox?

Adopt Me.

My ex broke up with me the day before his birthday. Yeah, he never got to see anything on his birthday. Next thing you know, I'm now in prison.

I was lying on the living room carpet the other day with my girlfriend on top of me in wings and a tutu, making out.

I called her the Fallen Angel.

Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."

Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."

Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."

Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."

Last week, I made a joke about leftists. Now it is time for me to take shots at the right, and then I will move on to centrists. But I just said the same thing twice.

I bet Steven Hawking $100 if he could catch me.

As soon as he said yes, I climbed up the stairs.

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

Hey, pass me that crowbar, please.

Sure... y’know, before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home.

If y'all gotta crush on me, tell me now before my dad spends my Valentine's money on crack and alcohol.

My mom interrupted my gaming session to tell me to hang up the lights.

I hung something else instead.

What's the difference between me and Spongebob?

Spongebob can actually get ripped.