ME jokes

Your hairline is so big, it distracts me from your face.

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic, but I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

My science teacher was talking about natural selection.

At one point, she asked me to name the first person to theorize about it. I said, "Eric Harris." It was on his shirt.

If you don't get the joke, look up "Eric Harris natural selection."

I confessed to my crush in preschool. Unfortunately, she rejected me. I just carried on and got right back to teaching.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

Holy cow!

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

Why the fuck is this guy calling me a crying bitch?

Hey guys! Just a reminder that the guy below me is a crying bitch! Have a good day!

I'm upset, but when I saw you, you never let me down.

See, this is the best thing about no such thing as vampires because I'd be the first person to say drinks are on me.

Me: Hey! Look at my drawing of deez!

My babysitter: Very nice! But, uh, what’s deez?

Me: (¬‿¬)

Me die.

The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just checking my Facebook quickly before the kettle boils.

My mom: Your life could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer.

Me: I wish I were Tracy Latimer, then someone would kill me.

Is it me, or was 9/11 too plane? I thought it would be more exciting.

I'm dyslexic. My sister was reading, "What's the book?" I asked. She showed me the cover. "You reading 'The Scared Bull'?" I asked. She started laughing. "No, 'The Sacred Bull'!"

Repeat after me: shut up; shut up; I don’t shut up, I grow up, and when I look at you, I throw up. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

My guy: I have a Q-Tip.

Me: You can Q my tip.

My guy: Ayo!

One time I broke a leg and I was using a wheelchair.

My parents thought I was a disappointment and put me up on eBay, the Ohioan Black Market, and the nearest adoption center.

One time I was playing a bongo at a Chinese restaurant.

But they were competing against a Cuban restaurant and killed me.