ME jokes

Alex: Dad, can we get me a little brother from the orphanage?

Dad: Sure, Alex!

Dad: We're here!

Orphanage manager: Alex! You are so big now!

Alex: Dad, what is she talking about?!

This is not a joke, Tom. I'm asking you to leave me alone, stop being sexual, I don't like you.

That shit was trash. You can't handle me.

Hold up. Aren't you Nathaniel B.?

Today I went to get a sub, and they asked me if I wanted all vegetables. I said no, leave some for the rest of the customers.

Why did you and Sarah break up?

'Cause she cheetahed on me.

I heard that Uranus is pronounced "yuuranus," but it reminded me of urine! 😆

A man was on the street and went up to a kid wearing rags. The man asked, "Hey, are you an orphan?"

The kid said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

The man said, "Your parents."

My brother: What are you looking at?

Me: A mistake.

Hey, my sister said you're Mattick, so I decided to swim with her and she threw a ball at me, so I went to my dad and she said, "Why did you tell dad?" She was crying because I’m not getting a car seat.

Me: "Gift a homeless kid iPhone 7."

The kid: But it has no home button.

Me: Exactly. 💀

Me: How do you say yes in Spanish? You: Si. Me: Si if these nuts fit in your mouth.

Armless guy: Even though I don’t have arms, I can do anything you normal people can do.

Me: 🎵If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands! 🎶

Roses are red,

I am dead.

You could call me wet, or I will keep your dread.

What is a four-legged animal called that can fly?

A donkey flying in the sky running away from me.

Follow me.

I heard a noise, so I'm dead.

Sorry for this Pick Up Line.

Are you a building? Because I rate you 9/11, so let me put my plane in and let kids fall out.

The shark bit me and I feet red down my legs.

Me before: Why do bandanas exist? They're ugly.

Me after seeing your hairline: Oh, I seeee.

Me giving pro tip: Get a bandana LMAO.

It's not bad that my car doesn't beep when reversing.

The screams of the passers-by are enough for me!

A man assaulted me with milk, cheese, and butter.

How dairy!