ME jokes

I burned an orphan's hand and then they said, "You will pay for this."

Me: "What are you going to do? Tell your parents?"

I want to die at a party. This is because nobody can be sad over me.

I wanted to hire a butler for my new mansion in downtown LA. As he arrived, he introduced himself and I discovered it was Ghostionel Pessi.

I asked him why is he working as a butler? He told me that “a big game is coming up so he needs to refine his bottleling skills.” DAMN PESSI!

I wasn't looking at you, your big forehead was distracting me.

You have five seconds to kill me. 1... 2... 3... 4... Thank you. I can rest now. WAIT, HOW AM I TALKING?????????????????????

"Butter, butter, and butter, please, please bring me butter."

*walks into a comedy night club* Owner: "You're doing standup tonight, right?" Noob Joker (you): "Yes, I am!" Owner: "Get onto the stage." Me: *walks up stage* Owner: "This is the standup comedian noobpro." Me: "Hey guys, how about some Donald Trump?" Crowd: *RUNS*

Ex-bf's gf: You're so ugly as hell.

Me: Oh, did I mention that I was trying to be you?

Luke asks his friend, "How old is your father?"

James replied, "He's as old as me."

Luke then said, "It doesn't make any sense."

James then said, "He became my father when I was born."

Roses are red,

I am dead.

You could call me wet, or I will keep your dread.

Why did you and Sarah break up?

'Cause she cheetahed on me.

Follow me.

I heard a noise, so I'm dead.

Sorry for this Pick Up Line.

Are you a building? Because I rate you 9/11, so let me put my plane in and let kids fall out.

Me: How do you say yes in Spanish? You: Si. Me: Si if these nuts fit in your mouth.

Armless guy: Even though I don’t have arms, I can do anything you normal people can do.

Me: 🎵If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands! 🎶

What is a four-legged animal called that can fly?

A donkey flying in the sky running away from me.

You abuse me that I have no beards, but your sugar daddy shaved them off to look cute. 🤔

What's the difference between me and a depressed kid? At least I'm out of the grave.

Alex: Dad, can we get me a little brother from the orphanage?

Dad: Sure, Alex!

Dad: We're here!

Orphanage manager: Alex! You are so big now!

Alex: Dad, what is she talking about?!

This is not a joke, Tom. I'm asking you to leave me alone, stop being sexual, I don't like you.