ME jokes

Two friends fighting.

Friend 3: "Cut it out, you two!"

Friend 4: "It wouldn't help if they cut it out... Believe me... I've tried..."

"Imagine being an orphan, could never be me," I say. For some reason, everyone started crying, then I walked out of Dave's orphanage.

Your mom is so fat that when she saw Moby Dick, she said, "We are family... even though you're bigger than me."

A friend took me out to his shed and was showing me all his tools, when he pointed to a ladder. "That's my step ladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

Yo mama so fat, when she jumped in the ocean, the whales said, "We are family, even though you're fatter than me!"

What did the fat guy say to the tree?

"Get me some coconuts!"

When the kid in the wheelchair scares you... you wheelie scared me.

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A blind man handed me a piece of paper. It said, "⠊⠋ ⠽⠕⠥ ⠉⠁⠝ ⠞⠗⠁⠝⠎⠇⠁⠞⠑ ⠞⠓⠊⠎ ⠽⠕⠥ ⠁⠗⠑ ⠛⠁⠽."

I have no idea how he knew.

A depressed kid gave me a high five. I left him hanging.

The youngest of the Twin Towers said, "Goodbye, brotha." But the one who got hit, which is the oldest, said, "If I go down, you go with me!"

Me and Billy Bob the 1st, Billy Bob the 2nd, and Billy Bob 4th Jr. were all in the Twin Towers.

Me when the your, uh, uhhhh, when your me when the your, uhhh, uhhhhh, mom.

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes.

So she gave me a hug.

Me running from the table where the Emo table with a happy meal.

Me running from the table where the Emos sit with a Happy Meal.

Kid me: I lost my stick.

Teacher: No, you didn’t.

Kid me: How do you know that?

Teacher: It’s hanging out of your pants.

A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.

I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.

The doctor said I had two years to live, so I shot him. The warden gave me 50. Problem solved!

Me: I know a good 9/11 joke, but it would probably go over your head.

The Twin Towers: No, it won’t.