ME jokes

I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!

Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!

What do you call an orphan's family region?

Me time.

I've been looking for my parents for years. For the life of me, I can't remember where I buried them.

I am like mushrooms. Nobody likes me, but everybody tolerates me.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. But, unfortunately, it just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

When the bully says, "You're adopted," so you hit him with, "At least someone wanted me!"

God, you’re having a good day?

Me: Yes, beats burning in hell.

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

When I die, I'll let everyone I kept dear lower my coffin into the ground.

So they can let me down one last time.

Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?

Me: I Excel at it.

Boss: Was that a Microsoft pun?

Me: Word.

I just competed in a wrestling tournament. The first guy hit me harder than my dad’s belt.

My wife is so fat.

She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.

My cousin: “How’s the lemonade stand supposed to run when you’re at softball practice?!”

Me: “Lemonade stands can’t run, dufus.”

I am awesome, look at me!

Asking for a friend, could anyone please tell me how to politely ask a question for a friend?

I drip when you take me in the mouth, what am I? Ice cream.

What did the calculator say to his friends? “You can count on me!”

Orphans have it lucky.

When teachers threaten to call parents, the orphans say, "Try me."

When teachers give homework, orphans say, "Where?"

My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"

I met a baseball player, so I told him to make a home run, and he just looked at me with sadness. I don't know why.

By the way, he was an orphan.