ME jokes

Life asked death, "Why do people choose you over me?"

Death replied, "Because you're the beautiful lie, and I'm the painful truth."

What do a brand new house, me, and new jewelry box have in common?

We're all empty on the inside.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Chicken.

Chicken who?

Are you chicken me????!!!!

When I got to school, they gave me an Acer laptop, so I went up to the teacher and aced her.

Some kid online: I f*cked your mom.

Me, an orphan: Jokes on you, I don’t have one!

I was in math class when my teacher gave us homework, and she said to me, "You're gonna get an F this time." So I went back home, and f**k my teacher.

What did the pirate say when he saw a ghost? He said, "Oh my God, it's me dead parrot!"

So I went to my friend's house and he told me to make myself at home, so I kicked him out. I don't like visitors.

Some guy interviewed me and asked how it felt to kill thousands of people. I replied, “I don’t know. I’ve only killed communists.”

Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year?

Friend: Why?

Me: Because they don't have a mother or father's day.

For Charlie D'Amelio fans, my basement is your home now. Leave a like if you agree with me.

Your hairline reminds me of a car taking a U-turn.

Any 8 year old: Sus!

Me: Jake, we're at a funeral!

What's the difference between me and Elizabeth Afton?

Her dad always comes back.

My friend is upset with me because I sniffed his grandmother's nickers. Not sure if it was because she was still wearing them or if it was because the whole family was watching. Either way, the rest of her funeral was really awkward.

My friend playing truth or dare asked me: "Dare".

My friends: "I dare you to go home."

Is there a really annoying girl at your school and she's so fake? Well, say this:

Me: Hey, I have a nickname for you.

Her: Really? What?

Me: Sweet-in-low.

Her: Why?

Me: Because you're artificial.

When I throw a dodge ball at a person taller than me, it's always a nut shot.

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

I hate when my father doesn't cook me cocktails for tea.