ME jokes

Why can’t I drive? 'Cuz my dad never showed me how, yet.

For some reason, quarks sound really strange to me.

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

Friend: Knock, knock.

Me: Who's there?

Friend: Short.

Me: Short who?

Friend: Short you!

Me: 🙁

Friend: 🤣

Student: Why does everyone hate me?

Another student: Because U got the A last night.

Doctor, what is wrong with me?

You will never be able to walk again. It ain't like with me on the field it would make the Miami Dolphins any better.

I wonder why the plane got bigger and bigger, then it hit me.

Two fish in a bowl. First fish asks, "Haven't I seen you around here before?"

The second fish replies, "F**k me, a talking fish!"

I wore a purple outfit to school, and some Indian kid called me Thanos, so I called him Vision and tried pulling the red dot off his head.

Why does everyone call me racist?

My shadow is black.

I complained to my dad why he never took me to the zoo.

He said if they want you, they’ll come get you.

I ran into a fat woman today. She said next time, don't hit me. I said I don't think I have enough gas to go around.

Then the ground started to rumble with every step she took.

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

Tell the person next to you to spell "me." When they do, say, "You forgot the D." They should respond with, "There is no D in ME." You say, "Not yet." If this does not go as planned, well, then you are fucked for life.

Me when people ask how old my girlfriends are:

"There's 2, there're 4, there're 6, there're 8."

No matter how much I cry, the white people still left me hanging.

Somebody told me that black slang is just white slang in reverse. For example:

White person: Dad, you're home!

Black person: Dad?

White person: You can keep the change.

Black person: Empty the register.

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

Me: What has two legs and bleeds?

Friend: Um, women? Obviously?

Me: Actually, half a dog. So you're still right.

Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.