ME jokes
Whoever said that about me better pray!
Me: Mom, stop, you are not funny. You never make jokes.
Mom: I made you.
Alya, I need to talk to you now. If you don't reply, I will kermit the not living, and if you don't think I will, I will post your OnlyFans photos I get every month for $5.99 a week (high price if you ask me)!
Neona (😞): Are you mad at me?
Gwen (😌): Me? NEVER! Sometimes we listen and don't listen, let's just hug it out!
Neona (😁): Agreed!
Me: Yo wanna play 9/11?
My Friend: What’s that?
Me: It’s a game where I kick you in both legs and watch you fall.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
I hate you.
I hate you who?
You hate me?? Rude!
I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day...
Every time they see me, kids and mothers run away...
I don’t have a costume so please don’t reprimand...
When I open up the door, I’ve got my penis in my hand.
Me explaining to the school nurse that ice can't cure everything.
Nurse: hOW DaRe yOu OpPosE mE mORtAl!
I used to have a phobia of pogo sticks. Those things always made me jump.
Someone complimented me on my driving last week. They left a note saying, "Parking Fine!"
A few days ago, I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.
Your mamma is so fat that she saved me a lot of money by sitting in my car when I wanted to buy a low rider.
My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.
Boss: Why are you so bad at driving trains? How many have you derailed this year?
Me: Sorry, boss, it’s hard to keep track.
Who wants to laugh about life with me?
Is it just me, or everybody has a dark side, like a psycho side, and then you act like crazy for some reason?
Julie: What's the difference between a chimp and a pizza?
John: I don't know.
Julie: Remind me not to send you to the store...
Bf: Babe, do you love me?
Gf: Of course, why do you ask?
Bf: I heard that your mom passed away, and I went to pick some roses for you to try to cheer you up, and then I remembered why I went to the garden.
My chocolate babe is calling my name, and now I'm about to get my chocolate freak on.
Mom: I'm going to the shop. If someone is at the door, don't open it.
Me: Ok.
*Ring*
Me: Opens the door.
Oh sh*t!
Mom: Gets flip flop.