ME jokes

I am awesome, look at me!

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

For some reason a group of emo kids are following me because I gave them a Happy Meal.

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight.

I told her to keep her chins up.

My parents raised me as an only child, which infuriated my sister.

I wore a purple outfit to school, and some Indian kid called me Thanos, so I called him Vision and tried pulling the red dot off his head.

A blind kid was talking to me because he was getting bullied...

I told him, "Just tell them what you see!"

My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.

Person with no arms: Even though I have no arms, I can do anything you guys can.

Me: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏 If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏

Person with no arms: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”

“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

"John FK, he think he special car no top, everyone see like he on parade. Me, I stay hidden, secret style, no bullets find me. Much smar smarter, no? Scret lifestyle safety."

What’s the difference between video games and my dad?

My dad doesn’t beat me.

My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.

What do you call an orphan’s family reunion?

Me time.

At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”

Lil bro's hairline is making me hungry wit that M shape also hitten me wit that damb batab bat bat baaa.

Osama Bin Laden was trying to give me relationship advice.

Probably wasn't the best time to say "OK Boomer."

Me: What has two legs and bleeds?

Friend: Um, women? Obviously?

Me: Actually, half a dog. So you're still right.