ME jokes

I was walking home, then I saw a "Wait" sign. A man came and took me. I'm still waiting for him to ask for a lesson.

The other day my girlfriend asked me to hand her the red lipstick, so I handed her the dog.

Teacher: Tell me about the history of Tsar Nicholas (blah blah blah).

Student: How should I know, that's his story?

Why can’t I drive? 'Cuz my dad never showed me how, yet.

For some reason, quarks sound really strange to me.

There is a similarity between my wallet and an onion.

They always make me cry.

Nobody:

Me: "Nobody:" "Me:"

What did the stop sign say to the street sign when he couldn't read a map?

"Can you give me some pointers?"

Me: Knock knock.

Friend: Who's there?

Me: A broken pencil.

Friend: A broken pencil who?

Me: Nevermind, it's pointless.

Me: Hey Joe, updog.

Joe: What?

Me: Updog.

Joe: What's updog?

*Facepalms*

Me: Lol in the corner.

They told me Avengers: Endgame was going to be 3 hours long, but honestly? I felt like it was over in a SNAP!

He: "I love you."

Me: "I love myself too."

Your mom: Your plate is full, that's enough food on your plate.

Me: My plate is not full, I still see the white of the plate.

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"

The boy says, "Me! I’m going home now."

Mom: I'm going to the shop. If someone is at the door, don't open it.

Me: Ok.

*Ring*

Me: Opens the door.

Oh sh*t!

Mom: Gets flip flop.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

I love stairs. They always bring me up.

Me: I finished a book with 100 pages.

Someone else: How was it?

Me: It's a long story.

My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. He said, "Get your paws off my toy!"

Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.

I made sure it didn't outsmart me.