ME jokes
Me and my friend roasting each other.
Him: Your dad dropped you on purpose, but my dad dropped me by accident.
Me: But after dropping you, he never picked you up.
I caught my wife cheating on me.
I beat my son and grounded him.
They're not jokes, they're notes now, get me?
I am in trouble.
What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."
Some guy asked me, "Are you better than my meat?" I said, "No, I'm not better, I just beat it all the time."
Baby: Stroll?
Me: *puts baby in stroller* WE'RE GOING ON A STROLL!
Baby: *happily screams*
Stroller: *front wheels break off*
Me: WE'RE GOING ON A STROLL WITH NO FRONT WHEELS!
Baby: Oka- CRASH!
The only joke my dad ever made was me.
I've been looking for my parents for years. For the life of me, I can't remember where I buried them.
I am like mushrooms. Nobody likes me, but everybody tolerates me.
He: "I love you."
Me: "I love myself too."
Is there a really annoying girl at your school and she's so fake? Well, say this:
Me: Hey, I have a nickname for you.
Her: Really? What?
Me: Sweet-in-low.
Her: Why?
Me: Because you're artificial.
I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.
What did the pirate say when he saw a ghost? He said, "Oh my God, it's me dead parrot!"
I hope you SEA me around later, 'cause I SHORE won't stay here for long.
Teacher told me to turn in my essay, but I ain't no snitch, fool.
I couldn’t figure out why the football kept getting bigger... then it hit me!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Chicken.
Chicken who?
Are you chicken me????!!!!
Lady: "Can I lick your balls?"
Me: "Ummmmm, ok?"
Lady: *grabs ball sack and licks my balls*
Me: "I'm gonna have to clean these now!"
Lady: "Let me do that."
Me: "No, thank you! I have to use these baseballs for practice!"
When I got to school, they gave me an Acer laptop, so I went up to the teacher and aced her.
Some kid online: I f*cked your mom.
Me, an orphan: Jokes on you, I don’t have one!