ME jokes
My ex keeps missing me. But her aim is steadily improving...
My friend tried high-fiving me; I left him hanging.
The Egyptian god of sun's name is Ka.
My friend: Where does the sun god go to get a shoe?
Me: In a Ka-boot sale :D
Friend: What would happen when someone stole the shoe?
Me: Call The Police Ka!!!
If I'm ugly, why do you always look at me when I come in the door?
My sister says, "Dad," and repeats it, and this is my dad: WOULD U STOP me? 😑
I'm jealous of cancer. My dad beat me but never beat cancer.
My wife still misses me...
But her aim is getting better!
Friend #1: "What's your favourite thing about trees?"
Friend #2: "Apples"
Me: "I can hang myself in them."
What is a joke that will never end even though you want it to?
For me, life.
It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.
You remind me of a pencil.
Why?
Because at one time, you actually made a valid point. This time, everything is pointless with you around.
I was looking forward to my date with this paraplegic girl, but she stood me up.
When your legs forget how to work after leg day, I can't climb the stairs.
Michael Myers right behind me. Runs like I'm a track star!
My crush said that she would rather die than have sex with me... It turns out that she was lying.
We almost drowned when we went out boating, but I got a watermelon to keep me floating.
I went to school on a Saturday. My teacher asked why I am here, so I replied that my brother told me to go to hell.
Teacher: Why were you late?
Me: Traffic.
Teacher: Did I did it?
Me: Did I even blame it on you?
What's an orphan's favorite Roblox game?
Adopt Me.
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
Teacher: "What's your name?"
Student: "Hang on a second."
10 seconds later:
Teacher: "Is something wrong?"
Student: "Hang on a second!"
20 seconds later:
Teacher: "Don't say a word!!!"
Student: "Hang on a second!!!"
Teacher: "Come here and tell me your name right now!!!"
Student: "Hang on a second!"
Teacher: "Don't call for help!!!"
Student: "Just listen to me!"
Teacher: "Go on, speak!"
Student: "Hang on a second!"
Teacher: "Don't push my patience; this is no joke!!! Tell me your name right now!"
Student: "Hang on a second!!!"