ME jokes

Me at an orphanage: I need to talk.

Orphan: My parents!

Me: You know that word?

What is an orphan’s favorite Roblox game?

Adopt Me!

I saw some kid following me, so I told him to go back to his family.

Orphan: "What family?"

Me: Sorry I couldn’t make it to school yesterday, I had an appointment.

Teacher: What kind of appointment?

Me: I had an appointment with a cut day. 😈😈😈

True story.

Me: You know what's the favorite slogan that Hindus like the most?

My friend: What?

Me: “kati supari kata paan katiyo ko bhejo pakistan.”

Why is Lucas so weird? I don't know, you tell me.

Me: "Hey, are your parents home?"

Orphan: "Stop calling here!"

Me in the corner.

Me: Shut up! If you don't shut up, I'm gonna tell your parents!

You: Why? I don't have any.

Sister: Hey sis, how are you today?

Me: Oh, good, you?

Sister: Good, 'cause I heard you finally got a good living life.

My boyfriend thinks he’s hilarious.

Him: How do you break things?

Me: You break things up.

Him: Okay.

Me: Is everything okay?

Him: We’re a twig. We’re breaking up.

On the plus side, I finally hear voices talking to me... just wish they were outside my head.

Two cunts were walking down the street.

One was doing calculus, and the other one says, "Imagine me, a stupid cunt that can talk...."

My math teacher walked by and asked me, "What is that?"

I said, "Paper."

She said, "Really?"

I said, "Yeah, do you need glasses?"

Knock, knock. Who's there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin', they hatin'!

A girl called me ugly.

So I drove over her with a car and called her flat.

My wife said if I rape her again, she would leave me. Why didn't anyone tell me it was that easy?

Me: Have you seen a Mr. Weewoo?

Most people: No.

Me: He drives the ambulance downstairs.

A man is watching TV and his wife comes down and says, "I just fell down the stairs, did you not hear me?"

Man, "Sorry, I thought it was the start of Eastenders!"

My friend: What are you doing?

Me: I'm making holy water.

My friend: How?

Me: I'm boiling the hell out of it.

I hate my birthday. For my first birthday my mom gave me my life. I liked it when it was new and fun. Now it's broken and sad and I wanna take it back.