ME jokes

Imagine this... you're a lesbian, and you're doing it with your cannibal girlfriend. You say, "Eat me, baby!"

She pulls out a knife and fork.

My girlfriend called me a pedophile.

And I said, "That's a big word for a 5-year-old!"

Follow me if you know someone smart.

My teacher gave me an A in Physics, then she tells me that it turns guys on.

I like strippers on me.

Your forehead is so big, Megamind thought he was your long lost sibling.

My friend's emo. I told her to play jump rope with me. She hanged herself. Lol.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

"Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!"

I saw a kid wearing tatty rags on a curb, so I asked, "Are you an orphan?"

"Yes," he replied. "What gave me away?" He asked, "Your parents," I said.

Mom, shut up. Me? I don't shut up, I grow up. When I look at you, I throw up.

I was raped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.

Me: What's the difference between me and my grandpa?

Friends: What?

Me: I've been alive for the past 14 years.

When someone said to an orphan, "My boyfriend ghosted me," the orphan says back, "Don't worry, my parents ghosted me!" 🤣

When I go to weddings, old people will tell me I'm next, but when I go to funerals, I tell old people they're next.

So this guy named Andrew Furda was my boyfriend for like a half a week, so five days. Then bam, I cut my hair. He only liked me for my looks, and I hoped he regrets it because it is WAR, so if you see this, you're going down, Andrew!

Luigi was dying and had two sons. Bruno was handsome, but Alberto was ugly.

He said, "Maria, tell me, is Alberto my son?"

"Yes, Luigi," his wife said, and he died happily.

Wife said, "Thank God he didn’t ask about the other one!"

If Carlos and Jose took a brownie from me and I had 10 to start, what do I have?

Answer: A math problem.

I called my mom on Alexa, and she told me, "Please take out the trash." I said, "But I can't, you're not here."

Why is Lucas so weird? I don't know, you tell me.

Me: "Hey, are your parents home?"

Orphan: "Stop calling here!"

Me in the corner.