ME jokes

A man is watching TV and his wife comes down and says, "I just fell down the stairs, did you not hear me?"

Man, "Sorry, I thought it was the start of Eastenders!"

Me: I used to laugh at Skyrim jokes like you, then I took an...

Everyone Else: DON'T...FUCKING...SAY IT.

If Carlos and Jose took a brownie from me and I had 10 to start, what do I have?

Answer: A math problem.

When I go to weddings, old people will tell me I'm next, but when I go to funerals, I tell old people they're next.

So this guy named Andrew Furda was my boyfriend for like a half a week, so five days. Then bam, I cut my hair. He only liked me for my looks, and I hoped he regrets it because it is WAR, so if you see this, you're going down, Andrew!

Luigi was dying and had two sons. Bruno was handsome, but Alberto was ugly.

He said, "Maria, tell me, is Alberto my son?"

"Yes, Luigi," his wife said, and he died happily.

Wife said, "Thank God he didn’t ask about the other one!"

By the way, could you tell me an elevator pun? I can't seem to "come up" with one myself.

Follow me if you know someone smart.

A plane is about to crash into the ocean, and the passengers are freaking out.

A woman stands up, takes off her clothes, and says, "Before I go, is there a man man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, takes off his shirt, and says, "Here, iron this!"

When someone said to an orphan, "My boyfriend ghosted me," the orphan says back, "Don't worry, my parents ghosted me!" 🤣

Why is Lucas so weird? I don't know, you tell me.

Me at an orphanage: I need to talk.

Orphan: My parents!

Me: You know that word?

What is an orphan’s favorite Roblox game?

Adopt Me!

Mom, shut up. Me? I don't shut up, I grow up. When I look at you, I throw up.

Me: What's the difference between me and my grandpa?

Friends: What?

Me: I've been alive for the past 14 years.

I saw a kid wearing tatty rags on a curb, so I asked, "Are you an orphan?"

"Yes," he replied. "What gave me away?" He asked, "Your parents," I said.

Your forehead is so big, Megamind thought he was your long lost sibling.

My friend's emo. I told her to play jump rope with me. She hanged herself. Lol.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

"Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!"

I was raped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.