ME jokes
Friend: You ok, man?
Me: Yea... I'll just leave myself "hangin'" tonight...
What did one tree say to another in a crisis? Don't leaf me when things get bad.
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but it eventually came back to me.
My mom said, "You are in big trouble!"
I said, "Are you going to punish me?"
Person: You suck!
Me: Tell that to your mom, and she’ll say the same thing, honey. 😎
exactly
I wondered why the baseball was getting closer...
Then it hit me!
A man once sued smart water for not making him smart. Then a woman replied, “Okay cool, now I’m going to go sue Thin Mints for not making me thin.”
What’s the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus?
They’re both saying “Oh my god my mom’s gonna kill me!”
Q. You know what really bugs me?
A. Insect puns.
What does a stick say when it falls down? "Wood you help me up?"
Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."
A puma was making another puma laugh. That puma that was laughing said, “Stop making me laugh! I’m gonna puma pants!”
Me, haha, I'm the joke.
My grandma told me I was next at my brother's wedding, so I told her she was next at her husband's funeral.
My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."
Woman gets pulled over by a cop.
Cop: "Ma'am, have you been drinking?"
Lady: "No, officer."
Cop: "What's that in your cup then, ma'am?"
Lady: "Just water, officer."
Cop: "Looks like wine to me."
Lady: "Oh my god, Jesus did it again!"
Hello, everybody, it's me, Mariplier, and today I'm going to be balling at Freddy's!
"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.
"Give me the good news first," the patient said.
"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."
"That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"I've been trying to reach you for two days."
My mom told me to make my dad smile, and she will give me $100, so I said, "The Cowboys are gonna win the Super Bowl." He smiled, but my mom didn't give it to me.
Anyways, I forgot about my package coming, and the mailman came, and I said, "I like your hat; teal looks nice on you," and he smiled, and my mom gave me $100.
My teacher asked me what my favorite number was yesterday, and I said 2977. I chose 91 for my football jersey number and Sharpied a 1 after the other 1, and my teacher Mr. Jackson's dad died in 9/11, and when he was talking about it Friday the 9th, I threw a paper airplane at him and got suspended for 3 days starting Monday.