ME jokes
My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.
Me: Hey Siri, did you know Candice died?
Siri: Yes, I was informed she died from sugondese.
Me: What is that?
Siri: Sugondese nuts.
A poor person came up to me and said, "You're ugly." I said, "You remind me of Spider-Man: No Way Home."
I'm not saying I'm ugly...
But when I'm watching porn, the hot, sexy women in my area always pop up and ask me if I'm rich.
Somebody: Do you even eat and get sleep?
Me: I have depression, what do you think?!
exactly
My grandma told me I was next at my brother's wedding, so I told her she was next at her husband's funeral.
If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.
Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.
Just give me my money (clap clap clap).
Friend: Name one gay person off the top of your head.
Me: Me.
Me, haha, I'm the joke.
What is the difference between me and a fire?
It's hot.
You’re so fat that when you sit on the toilet, it says, “A B C D E F G, get your butt off of me!”
What’s the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus?
They’re both saying “Oh my god my mom’s gonna kill me!”
A puma was making another puma laugh. That puma that was laughing said, “Stop making me laugh! I’m gonna puma pants!”
Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."
What does a stick say when it falls down? "Wood you help me up?"
Q. You know what really bugs me?
A. Insect puns.
A man once sued smart water for not making him smart. Then a woman replied, “Okay cool, now I’m going to go sue Thin Mints for not making me thin.”
Money means nothing to me. Ask me for it, you will get nothing.
My mom said, "You are in big trouble!"
I said, "Are you going to punish me?"