ME jokes
She said she wanted me to treat her like a dishwasher. So I loaded her up, ran her through a rough cycle, and left her wet and broken on the floor.
My wife treats me like God!
She takes no notice of my existence until she wants something.
I told my therapist I feel suicidal. He charged me in advance.
The interviewer asked me if I had a criminal record when I was requesting Australian citizenship.
I replied, "No. Is that still required?"
This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. What the fuck are you mad at me for? My grandpa didn’t even survive one.
Memes
Are you a blanket? Because I love it when you’re on top of me.
Me: Do you eat your cereal with water? You: No, why? Me: 'Cause your dad never came back with the milk!
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
(Bully) Boy, you ugly!
(Me) Boy, shut up, that's why your hairline start at the back of your head.
You are able to travel to the anime world, believe me, Michael Jackson did it.
Your sister: You're so ugly.
Me: But we look the same, so who's also ugly?
A police officer came up to me and said, "Just why, why would you bring the epileptic children to a laser tag fight?"
What did John Cena say to the blind kid? "You can't see me."
Girlfriend: "Would you still love me if I was a figment of your imagination?"
My schizophrenic ass: Of course I would.
Kid: *runs down the street* HELP ME!
Officer: You OK, kid?
Me: Don't worry! He's my nephew, there was a big spider.
Officer: Oh, OK, ma'am. *walks off*
When officer leaves:
Me: *gets whip* What did I say about leaving the basement?
Do you want to know what gifts God gave me?
He didn't give me any.
I was made by the Devil.
Me going to jail for telling the orphan he has 363 days because mothers and Father’s Day.
My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.
Me: Hey, are you an orphan?
Orphan: Yeah, what gave me away?
Me: Your parents.
Me yelling every gay slur to get suspended.
I’m in catholic school.