ME jokes
Why was your mom so into me?
'Cause she was the man.
I say these jokes are life saving material. Who's with me?
Joker gives Batman a phone.
Thomas: "Uhh, son, we need to talk... about the uhh, dressing up."
Martha: "Hello dearie, Brucie, is it ok if you visit me when you go to Joker's house?"
A girl named Kariah was at a night club. She was twerking and shaking, but she was just there for fun with her friends until some guy named Jaden came up to her and started flirting with her.
Jaden: WOW Girl!
Kariah: What?
Jaden: It's just that a sexy girl like you should be having sex, not begging for sex!
Kariah: Okay, listen pimp, I don't know who you are, but I don't want you around me one bit!
Jaden grabbed her hips with such FORCE!
Jaden: Come on, let's go somewhere...private! And have a good time, a fun time!
Kariah slapped him and left the night club, telling her friends she was gone, leaving a tip for the drinks she bought.
Daina: Hey, what's wrong?
Mary: Yeah!
Greg: Sweetie...tell us.
Ariana: Come on...did someone try to touch you in a weird way?!
Kariah wanted to tell them but couldn't; it was too personal.
Kariah: Uh I have to go...it's way passed my curfew! Love you!
Kariah sighed and waited for a cab down by Heyo street. Then a cab man started dirty talking her...DIRTY!
Cab man: Hey, sexy lady! Where are you going?...need a...wow...whoohoo...dang...ride?
Kariah rolled her eyes then stuck her tongue out at the cab man. This fucking cab men said this.
Cab man: Ooooo...use that for the sex!
Kariah: I don't think so!
Cab man: ha uh ha... I see the way your looking at me I know you like me!
Kariah walks away from him and finds another cab, but the cab man did not take her mean talk and weird silents for an answer. Instead, the cab man got out of his "Cab" and harrowed around her.
Cab man: HEY WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING!?
Kariah: TO MY KIDS AND MY HUSBAN! SO GET LOST BITCH!!!!
You see Kariah was married, she just came to be with her friends at a night club. Cab man gets close to her so she ran...she ran as fast as she could till she tripped on her high heels, once the cab man got close to her he picked her up...I think you know what he did okay I'll tell you. Cab man picked her up and took her back to the cab a.k.a taxi of course she was not gonna give up without a fight...will she gave up!
Cab man: I know ya like me! I just know it! You dressed up in a hoochie and sluty dress for nothing will wrong you LIKE ME maybe love if we get lucky!
He drove her to his house and then took off his cloths "underware included" got on top of her and "Rape was born again". Kariah did not remember a thing that night only that she was forced agianst her will too will have "S.E.X"
So today an old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her... Hhah.
Me: Knock knock.
Some dude on the street: Who's there?
Me: Whowhowho.
Dude: Whowhowho who?
Whowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowho.
Bully: My mom says I'm not allowed to burn trash.
Me: (quiet)
Bully: HEY I'M TALKING TO YOU.
Me: Are you talking to yourself? Because I was listening to music until I heard you.
Worst joke ever: me and my user.
So this is how I got divorced.
On my birthday my boss, who was a hot sexy woman who I have always had an eye on her huge ass and tits, wished me happy birthday and took me to her house. She went into the shower and came out dressed and this made me disappointed. But then she stripped off and made my dick go into her pussy and before I could realize I heard her main door creak. And in came my wife, mum, and my 2 kids, 8 years old and 12 years old. Although my wife joined in, she was mad after since that was not my wife, that was my wife's twin sister. Do not know why woman these days are like this!!!!!!!!!!
I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”
And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.
What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?... You crack me up.
A puma was making another puma laugh. That puma that was laughing said, “Stop making me laugh! I’m gonna puma pants!”
Me: I know why you don't have friends.
Kid: Why?
Me: Because you can't even figure that out.
What did the seal say to the shark?
"Are you seal-iously going to eat me?"
There is this cute Russian girl in my class, yet she hasn't asked me out for vodka.
Christopher Walkin: "This is a literal universal remote! It actually controls your life! You can pause, you can rewi-"
Me: power button.
So, me and my friend dressed as dead people for Halloween. The only difference in the costume was that he was actually dead.
Kid: Which were me, are your parents?
Orphan: What are parents?
Little Brown Bear (LBB): Why did Santa take the kitty and all of my toys, Mummy?
His mom: Maybe because you're the second most massive shit stain besides Caillou.
*Krampus comes down the chimney to eat LBB*
Krampus: Should’ve been better, Little Bear.
LBB: Help, Mummy! He’s the Scratchy monster!
Shrek: Just kidding, it’s not Krampus, but indeed me and Black Donkey instead, and we’re going to poop on your floor.
Duggie: Hopefully Marvin doesn’t see us, and by the way, want some purplish Kool-Aid?
The time I saw you and you asked me to be your friend.
Me: "Yeah... no. You're too ugly. Even your parents never loved you."
Kid: 😭