ME jokes

Do you want to know what gifts God gave me?

He didn't give me any.

I was made by the Devil.

Me going to jail for telling the orphan he has 363 days because mothers and Father’s Day.

My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.

Your sister: You're so ugly.

Me: But we look the same, so who's also ugly?

A police officer came up to me and said, "Just why, why would you bring the epileptic children to a laser tag fight?"

What did John Cena say to the blind kid? "You can't see me."

Me: Hey, are you an orphan?

Orphan: Yeah, what gave me away?

Me: Your parents.

Me: Do you eat your cereal with water? You: No, why? Me: 'Cause your dad never came back with the milk!

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

Are you a blanket? Because I love it when you’re on top of me.

My son came to me depressed, so I pointed to the spare bedroom and said, "Hang in here, son."

Hey, wanna hear a joke?

Yeah, me too.

F*ck me!

People ask me if my friend jumps off a bridge, will I go as well? Of course not. I am a leader; I will go first, my friend will jump after me!

(Bully) Boy, you ugly!

(Me) Boy, shut up, that's why your hairline start at the back of your head.

Girlfriend: "Would you still love me if I was a figment of your imagination?"

My schizophrenic ass: Of course I would.

You are able to travel to the anime world, believe me, Michael Jackson did it.

Kid: *runs down the street* HELP ME!

Officer: You OK, kid?

Me: Don't worry! He's my nephew, there was a big spider.

Officer: Oh, OK, ma'am. *walks off*

When officer leaves:

Me: *gets whip* What did I say about leaving the basement?

A priest says to me, "Come up, my child." Then I said, "Do I know you? Because you're not my father."

Me and my friend (rope) like hanging out.