ME jokes

She said you can twerk, so I put her in a tractor and put her to work. She got mad at me and said, "There's no good men," but I gave her a kob and equal pay!

I saw a kid on the curb while I was on a walk, and he was in baggy clothes, and I said, "Are you an orphan?" He said, "Yeah." And the orphan said, "What gave me away?" I said, "Ur parents."

My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.

My BFF asked me: "You know why it took Carlos 3 days to move on?"

I said: "Why?"

My BFF says: "Well, it's because he was already cheating!"

I said: "KNEW IT!"

Me: Knock knock.

Orphan: Who's there?

Me: Not your family.

My friend showed me his broken finger, and I said, "JESUS!" He said his name is Jake.

ROBERT LEWANDISNEY SONG

Give me freedom. Give me fire. Give me contract, Or I retire.

Jog all day, Out of UCL now. FC Barcelona, I need you now.

Villarreal defenders, They surround me. Big submarines, All around me.

I get upset. Call my agent. I want money. I’m impatient.

They call me an elevator because I let people down.

My wife told me to treat her like a princess, so I got drunk and drove through the tunnel.

This Native American won't stop talking bad about me, so I said, "Please stop acting like you first discovered this land belonged to your ancestors!"

I asked the orphan if he wanted to watch all the Tom Holland Spider-Man movies with me, and he started crying.

My mom: If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you?

Me: No.

Attack on Titan music starts playing in my head.

Me: Bro, I don't think the Twin Towers will ever order pizza again.

Friend: Why?

Me: Because when they ordered pepperoni, all they got was plane.

My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger sister.

Me vs. the emo kid: we go to high-five a tree. I get a high five; the emo kid is left hanging.

I am Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon.

Neil before me.

Me to bully: You are so fat that when the satellite took the picture, you were considered as an island.

Bully: (Speechless)

My wife told me I could never, ever build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

I'm sorry, orphans, that you're getting bullied. Oh, I have to go, my MOM's calling me. We're going on a road trip to go to a FAMILY reunion!

"Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head."

- JFK