ME jokes
The black nurse tells me she has been a vegan for 29 years. The father sitting next to me asks, "So you don't miss fried chicken?"
A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."
My wife told me to contact more of my feminine side.
I crashed the car and fucked my trainer.
I've thought about suicide, but there's always been a part of me that knows I wouldn't be able to live with the decision.
Bin Laden’s kid comes sad from school.
“Dad, I got an F in Geography class!”
“Why is that?”
“The teacher asked me what’s the tallest building in New York and I said ‘Empire State Building.’”
Bin Laden waits a moment and then replies, “Let dad handle this one.”
My wife treats me like God!
She takes no notice of my existence until she wants something.
Q: What did Britney say to Kevin when they were in bed?
A: "Hit me baby one more time."
She said she wanted me to treat her like a dishwasher. So I loaded her up, ran her through a rough cycle, and left her wet and broken on the floor.
The interviewer asked me if I had a criminal record when I was requesting Australian citizenship.
I replied, "No. Is that still required?"
The girl asks her boyfriend, "Are you jealous of my heart?"
He says, "No."
She says, "Because it's pumping in me and you're not."
This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. What the fuck are you mad at me for? My grandpa didn’t even survive one.
My girlfriend called me a cocksucker, but hey, 20 dollars is 20 dollars.
Do you want to know what gifts God gave me?
He didn't give me any.
I was made by the Devil.
My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.
A police officer came up to me and said, "Just why, why would you bring the epileptic children to a laser tag fight?"
Dad: Son, do you want to play Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots?
Son: Sure, let me get it from the closet.
Dad: No, bring your sisters. Just like the game, they can’t move their legs.
Me: Do you eat your cereal with water? You: No, why? Me: 'Cause your dad never came back with the milk!
All these people on here making me wish I knew them IRL.
Riddler: Riddle me this, are you scared of the big black?
Person: Big black what?
Riddler: ...
Person: I'm scared of what you mean because you won't tell me what you mean.
Me yelling every gay slur to get suspended.
I’m in catholic school.