ME jokes
What did the plate say to the other plate? Lunch is on me! 😂
If anyone's gonna be fuckin' my sister, it's gonna be ME!
Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.
Me: What? Am I dying?
Doctor: No, your wife is.
I asked my friend if they will show me something retarded. He said, "Go look in a mirror." I said, "Thank you."
What did the lady say to Michael Jackson on the beach?
"Excuse me sir, but you're in my sun."
I went to the dam to take the dam tour, but the dam tour guide told me there wasn't going to be a dam tour that day. So I was thirsty and I wanted some dam water, but the dam man wouldn't give me any dam water, so I told the dam man to keep his dam water.
You remind me of a snowflake, beautiful and unique. One touch and you're wet.
A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."
There is this cute Russian girl in my class, yet she hasn't asked me out for vodka.
Mom: You need to grow up. You're so immature.
Me: *glares* Get out of my castle....
Mom: It's a pillow fort.
Me: Why can't I have an imagination! ?
Mom: You're almost 19 years old.
Me: Not good enough... OUT!
Me and my grandpa went on a road trip, and he died. That was the last thing we did together, and I will never forget his last words: “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS!”
How many homeless guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
“You’re telling me there’s change in a lightbulb?”
A policeman just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous! My dogs don’t even own bikes!
I went to find someone to fuck in the streets for money, and I found a prostitute, but then she raped me. After she said it was amazing and instead let me push.
add me in Roblox wholetthedogsoutyou1 lol who let the dogs out you you you you you?
Did the sun just come out, or did you just smile at me?
Satan: "Why are you in hell?"
Me: "I threw itching powder on somebody with no arms."
A girl called me ugly.
So I drove over her with a car and called her flat.
I was visiting an orphanage and started to pull in close to the building. My car hit 3 speed bumps, and it caught me off guard. I got out of my car, looked under my tire, and saw three orphans wedged in my tire. I started to get worried, but then I thought to myself... nobody will miss them.
I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5.
...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.
I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"