ME jokes

What did Snow White say when she sat on Pinocchio? "Lie to me."

So the man asks me, "Jesus, how do you want your steak?"

So I said, "Well done, my good faithful servant, well done."

Once Roblox popped up in my server, be like, "Roblox, what are you doing?"

Me: "What the heck?" Me: "How did I get in your server?"

Roblox: "You've been banned for just cheating!"

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor!" she said.

"S’truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber."

They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. "No way, we can’t do it!" Cobber said, "So let’s try Plan B."

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What’s that?"

"I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.

"Spot on!" Bruce said, "While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"

"No... " Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper."

Me: I have an arrow in my head.

My friend: What's the point of that?

Me: Of the arrow?

Friend: No!

Me: Probably the flint.

Me: What's the difference between me and my grandpa?

Friends: What?

Me: I've been alive for the past 14 years.

I started a new job. My boss said, "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky." I said, "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick."

She said, "How do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied, "You just ask nicely."

A depressed kid wanted to give me a high five.

I just left him hanging.

Me to an orphan: If you had a penny for everyone who loved you, I don't think you'd have any.

The orphan: But why?

Me: Because if someone loved you, they wouldn't have thrown you out.

Wanna me to show you a joke?

*Points at face* Funny, right?

What’s a sheep’s favorite song?

"Baby Don’t Herd Me."

Me: Wanna play a game?

Sister: Ya, what is it?

Me: Tic tac toe.

Sister:?

Takes out knife and rolls up sleeve.

Me: Tic tac toe.

I wonder if any of these people are still alive.

Anyways,

When I arrived at the pearly gates when I died, the guardian asked me how I died. I told him I was just hanging around.

Pornhub suggesting me MILF on Mother's Day...

I confessed to my crush in preschool. Unfortunately, she rejected me. I just carried on and got right back to teaching.

Coach: Why can't orphans play baseball?

Me: Because they can't get a homerun.

So the coach got mad at me because I'm the only one on my team who is only a bit on the spectrum, and I was just keeping the ball to myself. The coach pulled me aside and said, "Pass to others." I said, "Why?" And he said, "There's no 'I' in 'team.'" I said, "Yeah, but there's an 'm' and an 'e.'"

Me: The man sleeped in a $200 bed in His hole life so why dose he need a $2,000 coffin?

My friend: They're cheaper at Costco.

Me: Oh shit, you're going to have "fun" this weekend.

A police officer came up to me and said, "Just why, why would you bring the epileptic children to a laser tag fight?"

So, I got my blind friend a Big Mac for his birthday. A week later, he walked up to me and said,

"Damn, that was the most violent book I've ever read."