Man jokes

A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.

The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.

The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."

What do you call a Chinese man in the heat?

Boi Ling.

So, a blind guy is sitting on a park bench with his seeing eye dog right beside him. Suddenly, his seeing eye dog cocks his leg and pisses all over the blind guy's leg. So the blind guy gives the dog a treat.

A man taking a walk saw the entire thing and said to the blind man, "That is the most charitable thing I’ve ever seen, your dog deliberately pissed on you and here you are giving him a dog biscuit." The blind man says, "Oh it’s not what you think, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick him in the ass."

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!

What's the difference between a good TV show and a gay man?

One makes your day and one makes your whole week.

What's the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command.

Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway, and that even if she didn’t, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.

When you forget the pinata at the birthday party. The kids: "Aww man." But the emo kid just hung himself. Kids: "Yaaaaayyy." Parents: "Adjust, improvise, overcome, that is the way."

Why don’t midgets fight? They walk away to be the bigger man.

What do you call it when a man is scared in Panera Bread?

Panera dread.

What did the short Chinese man say when he was called a dwarf? "Da fok yu sai tu meee."

A man walks into a bar and says, "I'm feeling depressed. What do you have to cheer me up?"

The bartender replied: "A shotgun."

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

I once fought with a man in a wheelchair.

He couldn't stand a chance.

My best friend is transgender; she transitioned from a man into a woman. I think it's courageous of her to take a pay cut like that.

A man walks into a bar.

Then he walks into a Pole.

Then the Pole says, "I surrender, Heil Hitler!"

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you breathe through something so small?"

I asked a kid at my work where his parents were. He started crying. Man, I don't know what I did. I'll ask another kid at the orphanage.

Michael Jackson died of shock when he found out Boys II Men wasn't a delivery service.

When I was your age, we had Wacko Jacko, not Florida Man.