Guy: Are you a vending machine? Because you're a snack.
Girl: Your card got declined.
Guy: That's ok, you got to bang them a few times to get you money's worth.
If anyone ever makes a time machine, please make a bunker for Hitler/the Nazis and send them to 2050. I want to see who would die first, future us or them.
A young peasant coming from the field with his scythe on his shoulder notices an attractive young woman that was doing the laundry in a mountain stream, perched on some rocks near a waterfall.
The guy stops and leans against his scythe, fascinated by the young girl's beauty.
After minutes of watching her, she loses her balance, slips on a rock and falls all the way down, crushing her head on the white rocks.
Thoughtful, he puts his scythe back on his shoulder and walks away, saying to himself "Damn, another washing machine destroyed by limestone!"
What is big, black, and hairy? It's a gorilla with a machine gun.
Why did the man with no arms fall off his bike? Someone threw a washing machine at him.
Instead of walking through the door, the owner of the house broke in through the window.
When he came out, a man standing on the sidewalk walked up to him and asked why he hadn't just walked through the door. The owner responded, "I'm pollo vegetarian, and I really just wanted a bit of food."
When the man looked confused, the owner said, "Windows are nature's vending machine."
I have so many cash machine jokes.
But none of them seem to work ATM.
The Twin Towers were like a woman stuck in the washer machine. They both got freed.
What do you call a bored robot?
A “sigh”-borg.
I am the ice cream man running over fat kids with my van. If you touch my van, I’ll smack you in the face with a frying pan. If you steal ice cream, I’ll shoot you in the face with a fudge machine.
Dad: Why did Jimmy fall off his bicycle?
Son: Why?
Dad: Because somebody threw a washing machine at him.
Roses are red, Obama is well spoken, I'm sorry sir, but the ice cream machine is broken.
Little boy: Momma?
Mom: Yes, my dear.
Little boy: One day I wanna work in McDonald's.
Mom: Why!?
Little boy: Just to see if their ice cream machine is actually broken.
Have you ever heard of a dream that that that that the universe was a fake machine?
What is white, then red, and is very fast?
My chainsaw blade.
So there’s this air purifier in my room, right? It’s really noisy, so I unplugged it to sleep better, and sure enough, I fell asleep faster. So I came to the conclusion: if I unplug noisy machines, people will sleep better.
It worked really well in my local hospital.
(Credit to Meme Machine)
What's the similarity between a 14-year-old girl and the fetus inside her? They're both thinking, "Oh fuck, mom is gonna kill me!"
WALUIGI GETS HIS WALU-WEENIE STUCK IN A VENDING MACHINE!
What do you call a fat indian that is actually a machine? The curry muncher 2000
Me and my friend were hunting ducks. He had a 12 gague shotgun, and he looked over and I had a .50 caliber machine gun, he said "your crazy!", I responded "quackers"
