Machine jokes

Waluigi gets his Walu-weenie stuck in a vending machine!

What's the similarity between a 14-year-old girl and the fetus inside her?

They're both thinking, "Oh fuck, mom is gonna kill me!"

Me and my friend were hunting ducks. He had a 12 gauge shotgun, and he looked over and I had a .50 caliber machine gun. He said, "You're crazy!" I responded, "Quackers."

Solve this equation: a gay boy + a whole lot of drugs = A hyped up f'ing machine.

How do you turn a straight guy into a gay guy? Well... for starters, you grab that ass of his, drag him into the bathroom, and tell him to suck my long, big pineapple, and thus you have yourself one straight guy converted into a dick-sucking machine.

Me and my suicidal friend are close, so I took him to the mall to treat him.

We bought snacks, a new controller for his Xbox, and LED lights for his room to hopefully brighten his mood. After we scanned the last item, the machine beeped by itself.

What do 15-year-old boys and washing machines have in common?

They both like keeping one sock for themselves.

I found the best GoFundMe: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-get-the-time-machine.

What did the rapper say to the broken vending machine?

"Yo, drop the BEAT!"

I've been sad recently that the Twin Towers aren't around, so I made the conclusion to build a time machine to watch it again.

I am armed with an automatic 4-OXD 22. caliber machine gun. HANDS IN THE AIR!

Time is like a machine, it slows down when beaten.

Some babies may be delivered via stork, but some bigger babies are gonna need a crane.

Why was the washing machine laughing?

It was taking the piss out of the knickers!

What weighs 5 oz. and is very dangerous?

A sparrow with a machine gun, of course!

What do you call a dwarf that fell into a cement mixer?

A wee hard man.

Your mom's like a candy machine; she pops out for anybody.

I saw Stephen Hawking using an ATM. It is nice to see he had found someone before he shut down.

I invented a time-traveling machine and traveled back to Pangea. I warned the dinosaurs about the deadly asteroid. They told me, "It wasn't an asteroid... it was Pionel Pessi's penalty ball ricocheted from Mars that made them extinct." Tears ran down my face. Shame on you, Pessi!

What do you call a baby in a blender? A baby blender!