Machine

Machine Jokes

Snowman

Why was the snowman smiling?

Because he saw the snow blower coming down the street.

Baby

What do you get when you throw a baby into the wheat thresher?

An erection.

  • 1
  • Hooker

    What is the difference between a washing machine and a hooker?

    I can put a load in the washing machine without it following me.

    Washer

    Why are washers better than babies?

    Washers don't cry when you put a load in them.

    Rapist

    The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.

    Penguin

    What's black, white, and red all over? A penguin in a blender.

    What's all fuzzy, warm, and laughing? The person who snapped its neck and put it into the blender.

  • 2
  • Atm

    I asked the gym trainer what type of machine I should use to get the best looking women.

    He said the ATM outside.

    Frog

    What's red, green, and goes 90 miles an hour?

    A frog in a blender.

    Man

    There is a man in the hospital. The power went out, and the man was stabbed to death. There are three witnesses: the nurse who was with another patient, the doctor who was reading some paperwork, and The Who who was at the vending machine. Who killed the man?

    The mom did, because you can’t use a vending machine when the power's out!

    Baby

    All normal-sized babies are delivered by stork.

    Heavier babies are delivered by crane.

    Woman

    Men built civilisations. Men went to the moon. Men invented the modern comforts of today’s society.

    Women did none of those. They are useless, only fit to be baby making machines.

    Computer

    A computer is like a living organism. Its charger is its life support. If you "pull the plug," you are letting it slowly die.

    Can

    Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!

    Sandpaper

    Run on a sandpaper floor-treadmill hybrid in a medium sized room for 24 hours. It will be fun!

    Kid

    Why do emo kids cost so much?

    Because they’re the only people you can scan at the checkout machine.