Machine jokes
What weighs 5 oz. and is very dangerous?
A sparrow with a machine gun, of course!
Why did the clown fall off his bike?
Because the neighbor threw a washing machine at him.
Your mom's like a candy machine; she pops out for anybody.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!
Run on a sandpaper floor-treadmill hybrid in a medium sized room for 24 hours. It will be fun!
What did the rapper say to the broken vending machine?
"Yo, drop the BEAT!"
What kind of vacuum does an abortion center use? A: Dyson.
Solve this equation: a gay boy + a whole lot of drugs = A hyped up f'ing machine.
I found the best GoFundMe: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-get-the-time-machine.
A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation, the man yelled, "FREE DISHWASHER!"
How do you turn a straight guy into a gay guy? Well... for starters, you grab that ass of his, drag him into the bathroom, and tell him to suck my long, big pineapple, and thus you have yourself one straight guy converted into a dick-sucking machine.
What do me and a casino machine have in common? It takes about 50 pumps to get to the jackpot.
TRUE STORY!
X-Ray Tech: I broke my arm and went to the hospital. The X-Ray Tech was the hottest blonde I've ever seen.
I threw her ass down on the X-Ray table, ripped her clothes off, ripped off mine and I jumped on top of her!
Then I put the X-ray machine on top of us, turned it on and I looked up on the X-ray monitor and I watched and saw my sperm swimming up inside her!
A man is on his death sentence, and he gets to choose his last meal.
He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life. They never found a working machine.
Q: Why did frosty pull down his pants? A: He heard the snowblower coming.
The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.
What do you get when you cross a vacuum and a rooster?
A cock sucker.
Time is like a machine, it slows down when beaten.
I asked the gym trainer what type of machine I should use to get the best looking women.
He said the ATM outside.
What's black, white, and red all over? A penguin in a blender.
What's all fuzzy, warm, and laughing? The person who snapped its neck and put it into the blender.