Machine jokes
What is the difference between a washing machine and a child?
The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.
What’s the best part about putting a baby in a blender feet first?
Watching their expression change.
In honor of Diddy:
The ice cream machine at McDonald's now works!
Me and my suicidal friend are close, so I took him to the mall to treat him.
We bought snacks, a new controller for his Xbox, and LED lights for his room to hopefully brighten his mood. After we scanned the last item, the machine beeped by itself.
Have you ever heard of a dream that that that that the universe was a fake machine?
What was Stephen Hawking's favorite shampoo? Head 'n Shoulders.
Why are washers better than babies?
Washers don't cry when you put a load in them.
What does a Chinese machine gun sound like? "ching chong ching chong tang tang."
Why was the snowman smiling?
Because he saw the snow blower coming down the street.
What is big, black, and hairy? It's a gorilla with a machine gun.
There is a man in the hospital. The power went out, and the man was stabbed to death. There are three witnesses: the nurse who was with another patient, the doctor who was reading some paperwork, and The Who who was at the vending machine. Who killed the man?
The mom did, because you can’t use a vending machine when the power's out!
What do you call a bored robot?
A “sigh”-borg.
Time is like a machine, it slows down when beaten.
I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.
What's red all over and spins at 100 mps?
Baby in a blender.
So there’s this air purifier in my room, right? It’s really noisy, so I unplugged it to sleep better, and sure enough, I fell asleep faster. So I came to the conclusion: if I unplug noisy machines, people will sleep better.
It worked really well in my local hospital.
Men built civilisations. Men went to the moon. Men invented the modern comforts of today’s society.
Women did none of those. They are useless, only fit to be baby making machines.
I farted in my grandma's breathing machine.
Guy: Are you a vending machine? Because you're a snack.
Girl: Your card got declined.
Guy: That's ok, you got to bang them a few times to get you money's worth.
So I was on Google, and on my computer it had Windows. When Stephen Hawking died, it shut down, the shutdown sound played, and wouldn't turn on again.