Me and my suicidal friend are close, so I took him to the mall to treat him.
We bought snacks, a new controller for his Xbox, and LED lights for his room to hopefully brighten his mood. After we scanned the last item, the machine beeped by itself.
What do you call a dwarf that fell into a cement mixer?
A wee hard man.
I invented a time-traveling machine and traveled back to Pangea. I warned the dinosaurs about the deadly asteroid. They told me, "It wasn't an asteroid... it was Pionel Pessi's penalty ball ricocheted from Mars that made them extinct." Tears ran down my face. Shame on you, Pessi!
What's red, green, and goes 90 miles an hour?
A frog in a blender.
I put a Dalmatian in a washing machine and killed him.
What is big, black, and hairy? It's a gorilla with a machine gun.
Guy: Are you a vending machine? Because you're a snack.
Girl: Your card got declined.
Guy: That's ok, you got to bang them a few times to get you money's worth.
What do you get when you cross a lawn mower and a parakeet?
Shredded tweet!
What gets louder as it gets smaller? A baby in a trash compactor.
What was Stephen Hawking's favorite shampoo? Head 'n Shoulders.
What gets louder as it gets smaller?
A baby in a trash compactor.
What kind of vacuum does an abortion center use? A: Dyson.
What's red all over and spins at 100 mps?
Baby in a blender.
Your mom's like a candy machine; she pops out for anybody.
What do me and a casino machine have in common? It takes about 50 pumps to get to the jackpot.
Dad: Why did Jimmy fall off his bicycle?
Son: Why?
Dad: Because somebody threw a washing machine at him.
Why did the hobo go back to the future?
To stop himself from wasting all his money on a rigged casino machine.
What does a Chinese machine gun sound like? "ching chong ching chong tang tang."
Instead of walking through the door, the owner of the house broke in through the window.
When he came out, a man standing on the sidewalk walked up to him and asked why he hadn't just walked through the door. The owner responded, "I'm pollo vegetarian, and I really just wanted a bit of food."
When the man looked confused, the owner said, "Windows are nature's vending machine."
I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.
